borderline personality disorder · mental health · sex and love addiction

In Prayer last night.

I’m still in the SLAA program. It’s been something life changing so far in the sense that I am having conversations I didn’t think I’d be having. The program is a lot more spirituality based than I first thought. Coming from a psychology background I was very much expecting the program to be therapeutic in the traditional sense, perhaps based off of some models and some tips and tricks to help beat addiction combined but it really isn’t. In fact there are no tips and tricks, just pure dedication to the program, peer support and seeking a connection with one’s Higher Power (can or can not be referring to God).

There is an extensive amount of spiritual questioning, inquisitiveness, self-reflection and understanding in this program. I love it, although at times it can be really difficult I am gaining insight into myself that I perhaps never would have done otherwise.

The reason I’m rambling on about the program is because once you’re at a certain stage  it mentions that a person may begin to have insights or dreams that bring about new ideas to the forefront of one’s mind, seen as a part of the healing process. This has now happened to me a few times.

One such incident was last night while I was engaged in prayer. I made a list (this can be quite helpful for me) and as I believe in God, I was reading these out. After I had a look at the 2 pages of different things I want/need, I noticed that finding a suitable partner and having a blissful relationship was not as high on the list of my priorities, nor did it take up centre stage. In fact it was only 1 aspect out of many.

Seeing it this way on paper really made it hit home – a relationship, or a partner that you love, really is only 1 thing out of so many things in life that a person may desire or feel they need. I had so much more planned for myself, so many others things I desired, hoped for, felt were important. For example, I had prayers for my family members and certain situations they’re in, I had prayers for my future and whether I should pursue a career in psychology. I had prayers about my mental health, my job and so much more.

I’m glad it put some perspective on things for me. There is so much more to life and so much more to do and see and think about other than this addiction and longing for a relationship.

I can also see how draining the addiction is, how it takes life and energy instead of giving life and energy. A healthy person in a healthy relationship is able to take and give and feel that love is enough and infact, love spills over. In addiction, you are constantly trying to suck the other person and the relationship dry for all it’s worth and every ounce of affection and love given is never enough. You always need more, because you are trying to ‘feel good’ or ‘get high’ off of the relationship. Wounds cannot be healed this way, trauma or whatever attachment issues that are embedded in the pysche and the heart cannot be healed by dumping love on top of them, kind of like piling mud over a pit of thorns, the thorns are still there, they need to be taken down, worked through. I don’t blame, nor do I resent myself for trying to heal myself this way, it was all I knew, I dind’t have the insight I have now, but now I am starting to see, and I am starting to appreciate the massive task I have ahead of me, to Love God, to Love myself, to Love my life and the people in it, to work through my attachment issues or trauma and then consider adding another person into the mix.

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