borderline personality disorder · mental health · poetry · Uncategorized

Waning

I nuzzle in between your thighs,

Kissing your warm skin wherever I can,

I never tire of breathing you in.

In here, I feel at home.

Holding apart your soft skin with my fingers,

‘Tell me,

Tell me about the secrets you keep,

Where do you hide them?’

My lips rising to your womb

‘Is it here my love?

you keep your pain…

Nurturing it

As though you would a child?’

You shake your head,

Black tresses of hair swaying on the pillow.

How beautiful and tormented.

‘No, not here’.

I feel you restrict,

Pulling yourself inwards.

Stay with me.

I take my time,

Kissing my way to your chest.

I listen to the beating of your heart,

Trapped in a cage.

Is it tired?

‘Is it in here?…’ I ask.

‘…An unwelcome visitor?’

You turn your face to the side,

I know you are holding back tears.

You were always too proud to cry.

Gently, you nod your head.

Your brown eyes are so distant now,

Are they searching for escape?

‘Has my love not reached and thrown your demons out?’

‘No,’ she says.

‘Just hold me a little tighter, so that I can forget it all.

Even if…

it’s just for a moment.’

 

 

 

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borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health

How my dad’s BPD led to mine.

A big statement. But a very true statement; my dad has been untreated his whole life. Sure, it’s calmed down for the most part now that he’s in his 60’s but is it enough to simply ‘act out less?’ I would say no. It’s not enough to stop acting out when what you say can be just as damaging – the thought processes, the ‘verbal’ acting out is still there.

My mum’s away for a couple of weeks so it means I have to be around him a lot more than I am when she’s here. Even the way he talks to her is not OK but she has accepted a lot of his behaviours and just smiles or ignores it. As someone who went on to develop (now, traits of BPD) I can’t just ignore what he says.

Anyway, last night I had a bit of a go at him, and in my eyes, rightly so. I am going in to work late as I type this, because I was playing it out in my head this morning (and I’m not that well as it is) to see how I could have changed my behaviour if I needed to. This is how it went down:

We went to my sisters last night and ordered take out as we’re making it a weekly thing to do that. He came by in a suit which is very unlike him. We asked him about it and he joked saying that it was because last time I called him scruffy (he had his hood up of his hoodie tight so you couldn’t really see his face so he looked like a bit of a thug). Apparently I asked him again in the evening but I don’t remember really.

On the way back to the car. I asked him again as a joke/conversation. ‘So what was the real reason you wore that suit?’ I thought he may have visited his lawyer as he has an ongoing legal battle that, or he went to visit someone… just a bit of topic of conversation. He fell back and started talking to my sister/complaining that I’ve already asked him 3 times, I don’t have to believe him if I don’t want to, it’s because he didn’t have anything else to wear.. it goes on. She kind of dodged it and asked if he’s staying around to which he said ‘no last time I stayed your sister came down at 9 had a go at me to stop being loud because she had work, it doesn’t feel right, I don’t feel right.’

This, obviously got to me. Really, how dare he. It’s super hurtful that out of his own misinterpretation he assumed that my asking about the suit meant that I was ‘criticising him’ or ‘not believing him’ when actually I was just trying to talk to him. (This is why I usually don’t bother). Then to talk about it right behind me to my little sister, leaving me to walk on my own and alienate me. In the car I got in and said ‘I was just asking you about the suit as conversation’ he kept defending himself and I just said ‘sorry I even asked a question.’ He still didn’t apologise/feel anything bad about it or notice that he upset me. Everyone’s meant to tread around his outbursts.

He was lieing about it being 9pm. It was around 10:40pm and I know because I saw the clock on my way down before I asked him to be quiet. My ‘go’ at him was : ‘can you talk quietly please I have to sleep for work and I can hear you.’ It wasn’t in a sweet tone, sure, but I wasn’t shouting either. And with his door closed and mine and him being downstairs he obviously wasn’t as ‘quiet’ as he thought he was. And as someone with mental health I need my flipping sleep. I have a strict schedule for a reason. Not that he knows or cares.

I’m hormonal, was in pain and exhausted and already trying not to split with my sister who was smoking while with us. I told her not to, she can do that in her own private time but she didn’t listen to me. Which is fine, I can’t control her and I’m trying to notice when I ‘split’ and start villifying her in my brain just because she isn’t doing something I want her to. I can’t control her life. I have to accept that sometimes people will do what they want even if you ask them effectively. Your nearest and dearest will not always listen to you. I’m not her mother and she’s old enough I know, I just struggle with not seeing her as ‘all bad’ at those times. I’m trying to see that she’s a mixture, a mixture who I love as a whole even though sometimes she may really piss me off. We’re fine today, and I’m not splitting on her today, because the event has passed. So I feel like in those times when I see her as ‘so bad/disrespectful/stubborn’ or whatever it is that I’m splitting her into in my mind, I need to try to remind myself that I won’t be thinking like that perhaps even in an hour or two’s time. It’s during those moments that I find it really tough to remember that. But today, it’s back to seeing her as my normal everyday sister. I know we have quite different personalities and views on things but if I want to get better I have to accept that as well.

The situation with my dad didn’t go well after that. I felt a sting of pain and I wanted to cry in the car. It was in that moment that it made so much sense to me that I would have, as a child, developed BPD traits. It could even explain the social anxiety. It’s the unpredictability. If you’re having a regular conversation with someone/joking around and they misinterpret the situation and start talking about you/complaining/arguing it makes sense that you’re going to be afraid/unsure/anxious in your future interactions with people. I have learnt to be unsure of what to expect. It’s why I’m always second guessing how someone meant something, or whether if I’m assertive I might get an ‘angry response’ or shut down or rejected. Because I’ve grown up in a house where I wasn’t getting a ‘normal’ response. It would just depend on his mood and the dysfunctional  way he interpreted things. I mean hell, he would even flip at my mum asking her ‘why are you looking at me like that?’ when I remember, she would be looking at him the way all people look at eachother, but he had found a way of turning it into a threat and argue with her about it. It was, no doubt, truly, messed up. Not to mention it led him to physically beat her so many times.

Anyway, moving on from that. I decided not to cry but I was going to get my point across. I’ve grown weary of letting him say and do what he pleases and it goes uncorrected. ‘I was asking you normally about the suit, you know just to talk, and it wasn’t 9pm it was 10:40 and I didn’t have a go at you or say you can’t stay round at all so don’t make it sound like I did’. I mean he still didn’t apologise.

This is where my anger started to mess with me and my taking care of myself. He diverted the topic and carried on talking to my sister, ignoring me or my existence. I was still mad when I got home and went back out to his car. I told him/shouted that he didn’t need to talk about me behind my back to my sister, that it’s not nice, it’s actually hurtful and not to make it sound like I’m not letting him stay. That it was out of order how he did that. He told me: ‘I don’t have time for this’ and drove off.

Of course, he never has time for any of this. He never actually has had time for my emotional responses. I’ve had to work on in therapy one particular instance from when I was about as young as 7 where I was crying and all he did was make fun of me. So, you know, the parenting skills/emotional availability just aren’t there.

I’ve learnt a lot from this incident and mulling it over.

  1. That I have to be careful not to split on my loved ones, and when I have, to notice that’s what’s happening (something I’ve been doing more of recently) and to give it time to pass. I was able to not to get into an argument with my sister and make the house awkward over her smoking. I’ve also realised it’s important to remember that even if I do ask someone for something, they can say no, and that I can’t control her/anyone else. If I still feel a certain way after I’ve come out of ‘split’ mode I can always bring it up in a mature conversation. This act of noticing yesterday saved me from ruining a relationship I have had to work to get back.
  2. It’s not my dad’s misinterpretation that hurts, it’s okay to misinterpret situations but he should have asked for clarity. He could have asked me what I meant by that question and it would have opened up the conversation for me to explain I was just curious/joking, he could have saved himself an argument that came about from his own judgements. For myself, if I feel like I’m interpreting something negatively, I’m going to ask ‘What did you mean by that?’ or ‘Why did you ask?’ or ‘Could you explain a little more?’ I might sound a little bimbo’y in asking but it’s better than the alternative and at least I can give the other person a chance to explain.
  3. This is probably why I am nervous in social interactions, or one of the reasons at least.
  4. It was good that I stuck up for myself instead of letting him bull-doze his anger over me and accuse me of something that just isn’t true.
  5. I didn’t need to run to the car and have a go at him. It only hurt me more than him. I can voice my opinion but it doesn’t mean the other person will be sorry/care. I would have had a more productive time engaging in self-care and calming myself down and then perhaps in a day or two if I felt I still needed to say more, I could say more. What is most important in these situations is that I take care of myself and bring myself down.
  6. Some people will not realise, or acknowledge their part in the situation. You can only voice your opinion skillfully.

I was raging a little in the house, for about a minute or two and then I went to my room to calm down. I realised I don’t want that kind of environment at home. I grew up in that kind of angry/scary environment because of my dads moods. I’m not repeating that. I know I’m only human and it was okay to be angry but it’s not nice for me or my brother and sister to see it at home. So I regulated myself and then got talking to my brother and sister as usual because I want them to feel comfortable at home. I especially don’t want them to be afraid of me, even if my anger isn’t directed at them.

In a way I realise now how important it is for me to be as emotionally regulated as possible. I want my home to be peaceful. I want everyone at home to feel safe and happy and know that despite my mental health struggles, they are okay with me. If I ever get married I would want the same in that house too.

I also want that for myself. I don’t want to be ranting and raging because someone said something to upset me. I want to put myself as first priority and my self-care as first priority. I will stick up for myself but I am not going to chase or force an apology out of someone, I can’t get someone to say sorry, or feel sorry. That is on them.

There’s a lot more I could say but I will leave it there for now. Mainly because I want all of this to sink in for me. I was musing on a lot more today, and have emailed another psychiatrist to see if I can try some meds again, will report back on that another time.

Have a lovely evening guys. xx

 

 

borderline personality disorder · mental health · Uncategorized

HSP

I have known for a while now that I’m a HSP, I’m not sure how much is out there about being an INFP, HSP and having BPD but I do feel like some personality types may be more prone to developing BPD symptoms. I don’t want to delve into it further than that as I just don’t have the knowledge to talk about it but I have found some commonality between the three and perhaps the traumatic experiences are what trigger the difficulties associated with what is otherwise, a positive HSP experience?

Anyway I am starting to appreciate the difficulties I experience on a daily basis that are outside the realm of BPD and more perhaps lending itself to what can be called a highly sensitive personality. Why do I use this label this time? Because this relates to my daily environmental experiences and triggers that are not usually things that are perceived in any way as threatening or negative.

I’ve noticed recently that it is affecting me in a number of ways:

I find myself squirming inside or feeling shocked when I hear a loud sound I wasn’t expecting, not like a crash or bang type loud noise. It could be a truck driving past and the shudder of it by my window that took me by surprise or my sister laughing loudly downstairs or the beeping of the train doors as they shut that bring me to shudder or feel assaulted to the point where I can’t focus on what I’m doing, reading or writing.

I have to dim my lights sometimes hours before bedtime, at least once a week I need to put on my fairy lights (warm glowy girly ones that make me so happy :D) about as early as 7pm, lock my room door and do a lot of nothing just to come down from the business and constant stimulation I experience in the day.

Being in social groups can get tiring too, not the whole time I am there but after a period of time, I am just drained from talking and being talked to, it starts to feel more like I’m being talked ‘at’.

Unexpected phone calls. This can affect me because my moods are unpredictable so sometimes I am really not together enough to want to answer calls, which sucks, because they’re usually from family and I can’t really ignore them which means I have to pretend even more. It also sucks into my ‘quiet space and time’ and I have to summon some kind of energy and politeness and be prepared to be on the phone longer than I want to be.

 

 

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · mental health · Mental health culture

Don’t tell me I’m not tired when I’m tired.

Well I actually started this piece by typing up the word ‘Hi’ as if I was about to write an email so that should probably give an indication of how tired I really am. I’m not sure how helpful what I’m about to say will be, but I will say it because I need to, damnit. I’ve read quite a few articles online now talking about tiredness and the struggle with mental health. Namely, that the two are related even if one cannot see the health issue as you can a physical illness. It’s just that it seems to be happening to me a lot lately, and it is getting on my damn nerves.

When I say I am tired, I am tired. I don’t need to explain it, I don’t need to justify it, I don’t need to go through my day so you can ‘believe me’. Why the heck is this even a thing? I can even recall occasions in the past when I’ve jokingly or in a genuinely confused fashion questioned someone: ‘why are you tired, you’ve been at home all day watching TV!’. Not that I have been at home watching TV, between work, training, tutoring and dating I wish I had a day at home, only, I don’t.  It’s to the extent that I haven’t even had time to be nervous about my date tomorrow, I’m just going through motions of all the things I’m juggling. But when I find I do express my current state of being ‘tired’ no one seems to want to hear it, or believe me.

I mean on the outside, I get it, why would a single 27 year old find it so hard to work and go out, isn’t that what everyone at that age does? Only, you can’t see or even know about how I drag around this thing called borderline personality disorder which maybe I don’t have anymore but even then a diagnosis is just a checklist so really there are a lot of emotions and struggles still associated with it, such as the social anxiety that had me breathing deep in group training today and wondering whether I should slip away and pop an anxiety medication I happened to keep in my purse and come back hoping it will help me regroup. I didn’t, but the sensations are all still there. I mean, I’m still popping melatonin to make sure I sleep through the night, and I am travelling a lot. Ironically, a lot more than the people who are making said statements about ‘why are you tired?’ It’s frustrating as f to hear it from someone who doesn’t experience a day even similar to what you do. Sure, it’s easy to say when you get to nap mid-day or take it easy or drive to wherever you have to go so you’re not surrounded by the imbeciles on public transport that I face, you know, like the guy who decided to puke on the bus or the one who played his music so loud on his headphones the whole bus could hear it, to top it off it wasn’t even good music so it just felt like post-work torture instead of a nice silent bus journey home. 

I’m not saying I couldn’t have it worse, or I couldn’t be busier because I will be busier in precisely 2 days time. All that I really mean from this rant is that when I am telling you I’m tired, just for once, let me have that moment. I’m effing tired. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be saying it. I’m not being offensive, I don’t have to write an essay on the cause and effect relationship explaining the various factors that have led me to this point, all I need is to say it, and for you to accept it as my truth. It’s not even laziness, infact, I wish it was laziness. It also boils down to the same fact that people just don’t acknowledge that someone can have a lot going on mentally, I don’t need to have fever to be tired, I can be tired just from the thoughts and adjustments I have to make in my head. I mean I am glad I can make them and that I am currently at a level where I am functioning enough to be able to do all of this, but you know, it doesn’t remove the fact that it’s tough. I don’t understand why sometimes it’s the nearest and dearest that are the most invalidating whilst I can write all of this on here and receive nothing but support.

Still gonna say it. As much as I want.

borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health · therapy

Exploration and new possibilities.

So I had my second assessment today. I was super frustrated with them as I was so clear from the beginning of this year that I wanted to be referred for DBT and that was it. They had a whole discussion about my case and called me back telling me that they could do that for me. I had an hour long grilling (‘assessment’) a couple of weeks back and then I asked again whether I would be getting DBT because that is what I was told. She said yes they would look over my case and then Id have another assessment and then be referred onto a trainee DBT therapist. I come to my assessment today (assessment number 2) only to find Ive been referred to another team in the same building (confused yet?) and they dont offer DBT. Basically, they’re not bloody listening. So I was super agitated. I told the therapist that I know it’s not her fault but I’m angry that Ive been pretty much lied to as I was specifically told I would start DBT after this assessment. With a trainee.

Well, now that I was there, I couldn’t exactly do anything about it. I was there in office with her, so I might as well get talking as Ive waited this long. This service, she told me, offers CBT and Psychodynamic therapy. I’ve had both. CBT didn’t do sh** for me a couple of years back so I am not a fan. Not to say it doesn’t work for people or certain situations but this is my own experience with it. I’ve also had psychodynamic based therapy with three different therapists now. I really don’t feel like going over my whole life story with another person. I’m also just not really at that stage anymore. I’ve gone over my traumas, I’ve come to terms with a lot of them. I know what’s left of my symptoms. A kind of constant management. I’ve learnt so much over this year. In fact I almost feel too recovered to go to this therapy anymore.

The rest of the session was almost a reflective session. It was oddly helpful I realised by the end of it. Even the therapist noticed that I had a lot of self awareness and was able to reflect on where Ive made progress and where I may still be struggling. I did tell her, in great detail.

This is where I’m currently at:

Still some identity issues- I know what field I am interested in pursuing but my day to day work is not reflecting my passion. I’m working just for money atm. But I am able to work full-time. I haven’t discovered a hobby I am ‘in love’ with or that takes me out of my head and focused enough for times when I’m feeling low. I also just want to say I have a passion, other than you know, obsessively reading about mental health and recovery.

Interpersonal difficulties- I’m not lashing out, slipping on boundaries or anything major but I do have to put in work, often ‘on the spot’ in a conversation I have to think about what someone said, how they meant it, what an appropriate response is. This can sometimes tick over in my brain in the space of a second. I have to still do this because I can feel the familiar ‘anger/fear’ response in my body and this is when I know I could be interpreting the situation based on impulse/BPD type thinking. When Im stressed and angry I also have to put in work not to take it out on my loved ones as it’s nothing to do with them and it only alienates me in the long run.

Emotion regulation – I’m still daily managing this one. I still get hit with random bad moods, though this past week not as often as I’ve been too busy, really, to stop and think about it. I also have to regulate anger/stress/anxiety often too. This is usually tied into my ridicolously long commute to work everyday which I really need to do something about. I have techniques though and she too noted that I have picked up a lot and am applying it to my life. Honestly, a lot of my emotions I feel are now within the normal range of what anyone else would experience in the situations I am in.

Romantic boundaries – I am not obsessive anymore (I have only just realised that as Ive typed this!, yay!). I also do not get overly excited when talking to someone new. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy the conversation, late night calls and all that jazz but I no longer jump at feeling ‘complete’ or the chance to feel complete straight away. I actually find myself wanting to take things slow. Finding things out slowly, refusing to make anything ‘official’ straight away and asking lots of quesions. I am also now very wary of how someone makes me feel and whether or not they respect me and my past. I no longer wish to be someone or entertain someone who cannot do that.

I think as I am writing this, that I am going to say goodbye to the sessions. I cannot wait another couple of weeks or months after another session only to find myself in front of another therapist talking about my past all over again whilst I have so much insight already and am seeing somebody else, who is, pretty damn good at what he does IMO. He cares about me, I know that, and even he was excited for me at my last session. He can tell I have made so much progress.

I just lost my shit at home earlier, shouting, how typical! Lol. Luckily, I dont think it was too bad and I wasnt the only one at fault. I just have to be constantly vigilant and try to be the best version of myself

 

 

borderline personality disorder · mental health · Uncategorized

Baby steps.

I’m getting by. BPD is still falling into the background. Apart from the crap about taking days off, I know why that is now. If I’m not progressing in a job, and I don’t think it’s going to take me anywhere further, I get demotivated and bored. I think this can’t be it? I need to know I can work up and keep progressing. I don’t know what I’ll do after I’ve reached that stage but, I’ll worry about that when I get there. My past working patterns make sense to me now. I was able to get up at 4am before, simply because I thought a much bigger position was on the horizon, or I worked 45 hour weeks because I had more responsibility, so it’s more a combination of factors, other than my BPD as I initially thought.

Life is settling into a kind of rhythmn. One where I’m still juggling BPD but you know, a rhythmn and today, I felt part of the world. Part of life. I was able to put some of my DBT skills to use last night as I was worrying about sticking up for myself at work today. I needed to voice to a new manager about what I wanted to work on for the next few months, not what they wanted me to work on. Earlier this year, instead of having that conversation with my, then, boss I got annoyed and left altogether (it still worked out in my benefit but I realise now it could have been impulsive). After telling my psychologist about that incident, he told me I had ‘run away’ to avoid confronting a difficult situation, this time, his voice loomed in my head on Friday. I realised, I needed to have this conversation today. I can’t run away again, I need to voice what I want and what I don’t want. I need to change my responses and respond to life.

I was expecting to be so anxious I took Propanolol with me. But I didn’t need it. It went great. DBT and recovery is showing me time and time again that it is the way to go and to never assume one outcome but to keep looking for alternative situations – maybe that’s what they mean by the ‘grey’??. I still got nervous, I was still wondering how I would handle the worst case scenario (I would have given my notice in if we couldn’t reach a compromise today) but I just kept reminding myself that the main victory would be sticking up for myself in an effective manner and being able to handle difficult situations with balanced emotions. I voiced it super naturally, that I enjoy what I’m doing at the moment and I’m learning loads of new things and that I want to stick with it. To which she told me that was fine and to keep on as I wanted and if I ever had any questions to come to her. It went much smoother than I thought, I even tried out something new on the computer today to build up my skills, I was given a deadline of tomorrow afternoon, but I was able to mess around and get it done in about 20 minutes. It boosts my confidence, challenging myself in mini-ways. I feel like future interviews will be less daunting this way.

I beat a little of my sunday blues yesterday evening too, I went out to watch the fireworks in the evening. This helped me achieve my DBT goal of getting a bit of exercise and getting out of my head, I did enjoy it and I did feel so happy for the short while. Instead of battling the blues like I usually have to. Not that I didn’t struggle a little, but I just watched a stand-up comedy for a while to keep myself feeling cheerful. Much better than the alternative.

That’s not to say things haven’t been stressful, they have – my sister has been quite ill and I’m the closest to her, but I stay strong and see it through. I just need patience and to choose my responses wisely. Last night, I realised – I have family who can stand to be around me and love me, I have friends who know about my diagnosis and still care about me, I have people at work who do have my back and care about how I’m doing. I am a person who is not that bad to be around! I used to think I could never be accepted because of my BPD, and although I’m not always understood, I realise that it’s really difficult for people who don’t experience what I do to truly understand. And that’s OK.

I still have job security issues so that is my next major milestone and stressor. Once I secure a good position that I don’t have to keep switching around in, I will truly feel like I have reached some level of long-term stability and starting to come out of the other side of this. I have until 2018 for that one.

 

 

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · dating · mental health

I have worked too hard to get here.

I am not a buddhist, although I first stumbled across ‘The Power of Now’ when I was 13 and it must have left an impression because I’ve never forgotten that moment since. I remember finally understanding how the monks in the world war were able to set themselves alight all the while sitting still in meditation and unfortunately I used some of the principles to focus on self-harm without flinching (that’s just where I was at back then). As some of you might know, I’m religious but when there is wisdom to be found, there is wisdom to be found, and I’m all about that wisdom! (is it overkill yet?)

For me, I feel like the buddhist ideologies hold a lot of what I really need and am lacking in my life. I have come to develop a certain ‘life/world view’ during my time in recovery and it is serving me well, helping me to remember what my principles are, what life is really about, and reminding me to go the right way. Make the right decisions.

One of the ways it has influenced me is; I see the world as a classroom. All of my lessons in recovery, are lessons in life. Unravelling patterns, old behavioural urges, thought processes, habits, impulses and reactions and choosing to do something new, has taught me this:

Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know

The same situations, or some variation of them, will play out again and again, until we learn to face them and see them for what they really are: lessons. There is something here and it needs your attention.

bpd lesson

And until you man/woman up and do this, it will keep hurting, and keep hurting, and you will find the same scenes playing and playing. For me, thankfully, I’ve broken a lot of the shackles of BPD, learnt a lot of lessons, but the biggest theme in my life is still there and from the sound of things it’s because it’s one of the most powerful forces of all: attachment.

I have spent so much of my life, seeking outward, hoping for a person to fix it all. I have fessed up about it on this site so much. It’s an unhealthy obsession, unhealthy only in the way I let it get in the way of my own life. I sabotage myself, in trying to get what I want, thinking it’s what I need, it’s not what I need, it’s a drive, and it’s lieing to me. I have worked so hard for almost 20 months now in getting better and becoming better, in learning to live life well, be the best person I can be, and I have truly caught up to the world in so many ways.

Yet, here I have spent a week distracting myself from why someone I haven’t even met yet (because he forgot about our date – there’s always a first for everything hey, apparently an emergency, did apologise) hasn’t contacted me but can watch my whatsapp statuses. Do I message? Don’t I message? Do I wait, don’t I wait? Do I say hi / bye? I’ve been trying not to obsess but did obsess enough to seek out online articles about ‘why hasn’t he called?’ I don’t need an article (no offence article writers I still need you in my desperate times) I know why he hasn’t called. He doesn’t care. Here I am caring. Here I am getting attached to the illusion of being attached and fulfilled. Am I really placing that much importance on another person? Am I really giving someone who isn’t even talking to me such a reign on my emotions and my life?

In this state I am reacting, and at the mercy of another. To get a message = happy, to not get a message = sad/anxious/lonely. It is too much power for anyone, a responsibility that all will fail and will leave you feeling totally at their mercy. On the one hand, I am striving, training, working, recovering, living and on the other, I’m still seeking, still yearning, still letting whether one person sends a damn message or not dictate whether I should be happy, whether this will be ‘it’ what makes it for me, what makes me better.

It’s not going to make me better. There I’ve said it. If relationships were going to make anyone better, marriage would have fixed everything, all I did was crumble then too. If relationships made it better, those who are in relationships wouldn’t still have to go to therapy and treatments and work on themselves. They would just be. On some other level, my brain is still deluded. Still hoping, to replay what happened so long ago, to try to fix it this time. I can’t fix my childhood and no one can fix what happened. There is only acceptance. Acceptance and self compassion. I need to soothe myself and give up a dream of the right guy fixing my whole life, I have been trying hard to take steps to make my life better everyday, but at the same time, this fantasy has been alongside it all. I am realising now that the two simply cannot co-exist, as the obsession can easily unravel all hopes I have of creating stability, and it has done, so many times over.

I have spent sleepless nights replaying my years especially those during university and look back wondering why didn’t I stay single after that ex? Or that one? or after that? I could have performed so much better, in so many different ways, had I given myself a chance. But I dream, I dream about love, as we all do, to want to love is to be human, but to let the desire consume you and become your purpose for living – it will destroy you.

Buddhism also talks about change a lot. About being comfortable with change, befriending change and understanding that nothing in life is permanent, everything is moving – moment by moment. People are not meant to bear the burdens of another’s soul. Your attachment wounds are your own to heal. Until you learn that it doesn’t come from outside, you will seek out attachment, break it, seek out attachment, break, seek out attachment, break again….and on and on and on.

I would like to think the lesson – here, tonight, is being learnt. I have been trying to learn this one for a while now but I welcome change, I welcome my change in response, in thought, in mood in the very deep corners of my heart and in the old logic of my brain. I am learning my lesson.

There is also an emphasis on letting go. Something a clingy, needy, abandonment fearing, wounded heart can really struggle with. Has struggled with. I want to cling, to not be alone, to feel alive, to feel safe, to be regulated by lovers, by people, by circumstances. But letting go is how it was always meant to be. If things are always changing, it stands to reason that we are also meant to let some things go. I am learning to respect time and the nature of life, the natural order of things. When things are meant to happen they happen, in their own time, in the way it was always meant to be.

I apologise for sounding so zen-like, but truly, seeing the world and life in this way has helped me so much that I wanted to share it with you too. Even in writing this I feel like I have released a lot of tension, admitting to my own self that there was something holding me back, accepting the pain and the need for change. I feel a little shame and guilt for it having taken me this long, for having behaved that way when I know on a logical level what the ‘healthy/right’ response is and should be in these situations. But, we are made up of so much more than logic, and now, I am forgiving myself. I truly hope this will inspire me to keep moving forward and see things in a new way. No one is worth my life, my joy, my recovery.