borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health · suicide


The past few weeks have been…colourful. I  have had highs, anxious nights, crashing lows filled with tears. It’s been a rollercoaster. The insanity running rampant in my mind has only started to cool down the past 3 days of which the first day I ran to my mums room to announce ‘I FEEL NORMAL!’ it was amazing, really, I didn’t think I’d ever feel that way again. Things had been so intense I was suspecting I have Bipolar on top of BPD.

There was another day of having a lot of energy and I started to suspect I would crash later. Sure enough around 10pm I was crying, suicidal, thinking I should call the crisis team or go to A&E. I managed to stay in my room. I scratched my arm with a nailfiler instead of a razor. I wanted to take more codeine. In the end, I lay alone on my bed, pills in hand, crying out to God in pain until 3am. In that moment, I had no one.

I had gone up to 50mg of Sertraline and at the time it was difficult to tell if it was the medication or the crisis making me that way. Everything was a blur. I had appointments almost daily, and an assessment by the mental health team. I will be seeing a psychiatrist hopefully next month. I am really hoping it helps as I have tried the therapy route for a long time and the self help route, this is the only other thing I can think of to help me.

Some things have become clear to me admist all of this chaos, that I still need to work on my recovery particularly when it comes to feelings of abandonment. I also cannot ‘force’ myself through my depression as I have been the last year. I have to admit it’s a thing. I do not want to spend the rest of my days struggling to get up to go to work, or motivating myself to complete an application, or to pretend to smile. I want to do those things. I want to want to live.

Ex-love totally blocked me out of his life. He had reconsidered a relationship with me but admitted he wasn’t ready. He also said if I was healthy he would be with me but because of me being suicidal he couldn’t handle if that were to happen. That hurt. That really really hurt. I couldn’t understand it. ‘So basically because of an illness that wasn’t my choice I get to miss out on being with a person I love?’ he just kind of sighed and said that wasn’t it. It is though.

I reached out to him during this crisis period. I left a voicemail asking him to call me back because it was about paying for psychiatrist fees (I would never ask normally but he had already offered to help me pay for therapy as I’m not working atm). No reply. I text him again, that it’s not OK to blank me again like he’s done before. Still nothing. A few days later I still caved and said if he just wants me to block him I will but if he wants to talk, to call me. Still nothing. I wasn’t even worth a reply to just say ‘I don’t think we should talk.’ Anything. It hurts that he’s done that when I’m so vulnerable. When we actually split up February last year, he helped me through it, I was able to use my DBT skils and I had the ‘healthiest’ break up ever. This year? He dropped me cold. After making an effort to see me with roses. It’s so confusing and abrupt.

I think this relapse has happened because I had 2 people cut me off and in a short span of time. I now have no ‘close’ friends that I share my intimate feelings with, the ‘real’ stuff.

Both of my sisters are pregnant. I love being an auntie. I got my niece painting in the garden yesterday, she did her first ever handprint which my sister loves and wants to frame. Played with her on the swings, she was so happy and I was giggling right there with her. Took her to the shops in the sun, stopped to let her see some flowers on the way. I have moments of joy in my life. But I just, didn’t expect to be here. I never imagined struggling so much.

I was contemplating whether I could even blog again, after doing so well, or kinda well, for so long, I was right there in full BPD mode, and worse than the initial event that led me onto the recovery journey in the first place. How do I come back? What do I even write about? But, I want to continue. I have to get back to normal. This blog has become a part of my life and part of my ‘normal’. I chose life, in those nights I wanted death. So I will write to show that that is nothing to hide or to feel ashamed about.



borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health

Better, but shaky.

So I’ve gone from feeling suicidal on Monday, to inviting my friend over for dinner and making pineapple crumble plus doing a make-up look for her upcoming graduation. I’ve dropped her home and the moment I’ve crashed onto my bed, I feel awful inside. I still miss my friend so much, I’m just worried because he hasn’t been active online at all, which isn’t like him. I have no idea where or how he is, whether he’s an inpatient/outpatient at the moment, nada. I know it’s not my problem anymore as I was essentially dumped but that just adds to the pain of it all.

I know I should just focus on myself instead of ex-friends and ex-lovers and I have so many people in my life who do care but for some reason they’re not the specific people I want the care from. Ex-love confused the hell out of me, he explained he met me to show that people do care about me, people outside my family who are essentially bound by blood relation to be there. But he was choosing to be around without any familial obligation and to show me that people out there want me to be well. But then, I messaged him yesterday and called, and text today and nothing. He knows how bad I’ve been and so, do you not care now? I’m so done with the mixed messages. I know he has a lot going on of his own stuff but I just wish if someone was going to be ‘there’ it would be a little more consistent than that.

I don’t know how to let go, I don’t hate either of them and I think that’s why it’s taking me so long to get over this. On the other hand, I think my moods are just rocky in general.

My psychologist has been amazing, he’s offering me a free session and to reach out by text/email if I need him because I told him about my calmly written suicide note. He said, when someone’s calm that’s actually a more worrying sign. He doesn’t even provide crisis support but I think he’s so concerned as I haven’t been like this ever since we started working together a year ago. It makes me feel safer knowing he has my back like this. He even said I can pay him back whenever I can afford to as I’ve been off work.

He agrees that mood stabilisers/med review from a psych would be a good idea and I’ve been referred but the ‘crisis’ team still haven’t contacted me and they were meant to be in touch on Wednesday. I have 0 support at the moment, apart from online and being on ‘watch’ at home, to get me through this. Somehow, I still am, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. I feel super fragile right now.


borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health · suicide

My Blue-eyed Angel

Ex-love met me at the station. A year later and his blue eyes strike me just as much as they did the last time we met. With his blue shirt, they were even more pronounced.

I wish it was on happier terms.

I was a state 4am this morning. My stomach hurts from the little amounts of food I am currently taking in. My head hurts from the tears and stress of last night. I break down into tears again, seriously contemplating suicide. 2 tabs of melatonin and It doesn’t put me to sleep, it just calms some of the racing thoughts in my mind. I manage to get up, eat 2 biscuits and a croissant.

The thing is, I’m at the stage where if I try to eat a meal my stomach hurts. It’s easier for me to eat in little amounts right now to avoid the pain.

I managed to get up, have a hot bath, finally shave, tidy my room and meet him.

He got me roses, as per his usual sweet self.

We basically spent the hour of him holding me in his arms, cuddling me and asking me what’s been going on and why I’m hurting so much.

He’s been distant because he doesn’t want to sleep with me, he respects me too much he said. He told me I’m not in the place for a relationship right now, I know this is true, I haven’t thought of dating at all the past few months, my minds too occupied with getting through each day. It still hurts to hear it confirmed though.

I am already craving his arms around me. I haven’t been held in a caring way for so long. He asked about my suicide note the concern is clear in his eyes.

I can feel his hands wandering over my body. He holds my waist. ‘You’re even smaller than the last time we met,’. ‘Is it that bad?’ I look down at my stomach. ‘Yes, you need to eat. You are your first priority.’

I wanted to spend the night with him. I don’t mean sex. Being in his arms helped me feel safe. It helped calm my mind and my emotions which are nothing short of a tangled mess at this stage.

I am home, in bed now.

The memories will have to do.




borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health

How the f*** did I get here.

I feel so weak. My back hurts and I get faint every time I get up from the bed, I keep forgetting so everytime I stand I have to hold onto the closest thing next to me, sometimes my mum, other times the door handle. I’ve been trying to put weight on again because the stress has caused me to lose a stone. I’m 7 stone again, the weight when my anorexia was in full play. This time it wasn’t intentional but now I’m having a hard time putting it on again. I don’t know if I want to be anorexic again, I’m not counting calories but I just don’t want to eat. I feel like sh**. I’ve taken the week off work.

Went to the GP yesterday he’s getting me sent to have full bloods done of basically everything, he asked me if I’m exhausted all the time to which I said yes. I really am. I managed not to have codeine yesterday because I’m trying to stop but just had my ‘last’ dose again before writing this. (I say ‘last’ because it’s so accessible for me) I feel like crap though because it’s actually for my mum who genuinely needs it. When did I get to selfish? I’m scared that on top of mental stress, poor physical health, I’m also going to have to start getting support for opiate addiction…just another issue to deal with.

It’s sunny but I’ve drawn the curtains, all I do is lay in bed in the dark, switching between facebook and watching Dr Phil and self pitying posts about how crap I feel. I don’t understand how I got here, this wasn’t the plan for 2018. I just want my friend back.

So the back story – around the time of my unexplained panic attacks I connected with someone on FB, in a BPD group. He had cool lyrics and poems and we started messaging. He quickly became my FP, but for the first time, I was his FP too. To say our friendship became intense fast is an understatement. The catch? Because there is always one….He’s married. His wife hates me, of course. I don’t even care about getting in between. I don’t want a relationship with him, I even asked her on the phone if I could be his friend with her permission and she said no. It doesn’t help that their marriage is on the rocks for years, and they constantly fight. She told me to just leave her family alone. I wish I could. An FP is so inexplicable. I bonded so quickly. It was just so nice to talk to someone who doesn’t mind your clingy, overbearingness, understands it. In a short time, he has been my friend through some of the worst things I’ve been through, depression, panic attacks, losing my old fp, experienced my BPD split on him where I blocked him, suspected him of being a narcissist (I have since realised he isn’t), and he’s still been my friend.

I’ve posted self pitying posts online about how bad I feel. I’ve had mean posts from women telling me im basically a whore for talking to a married man. Which hurt even more, to the point I was close to self harming. I get it, I mean I don’t know how I’d feel if I was her. But really, I just want my friend back. I miss talking about medications, bpd mood swings, talking to someone on ‘this side’ of BPD. All my friends don’t have BPD, they can only empathise with me. His BPD manifests very much like mine. We limited our chats, so that when he went home from work she’d have all his time. Didn’t work. She basically made him choose her or me, as if there ever was a choice I mean he’s married to her for God’s sake, how much more of a choice is that? When I had him as my FP I felt like there was ‘one person’ in the world who understands me, gets it. When I would be close to panic attacks on the train I would text him and be able to avoid it escalating. I just feel so lost. I don’t know how my life reduced to being affected by whether one person is talking to me or not. I’ve been in my room in the dark for days. My mums trying to get me to eat, all I want to do is cry. She came in my room this morning and said ‘I want breakfast, I’ll have some if you have some’ how sweet, it didn’t work. I’ve forced myself to have lunch.

I feel guilty for taking time off work. We’re in a busy period and I was meant to be there to support, I have a lot of responsibility and workload because I work so well when I’m there. But when my mental health kicks my ass like it is now, I totally let them down. They probably think I’m irresponsible.

I’ve had a couple of weeks off therapy because I couldn’t afford it and I’m scared to tell my psych how low I’ve gotten. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was go to my messenger to see if he’s messaged me until the sinking realisation dawns on me that we’re not talking anymore. What hurts the most is that I didn’t even get to say goodbye, he just said he couldn’t take it anymore and blocked me. They kept fighting about me at home. I kept telling them not to. I just wanted to say goodbye as painful as it would be but I didn’t even get that. I don’t know how he’s coping because I know he gets affected by losing an FP too. I hate her for doing that to him. I don’t think im a whore… I’m not trying to be one, I was even thinking about talking to him through her account so she could see all our messages and feel included but I don’t think she’ll even accept that.

I’ve had a hard time trusting someone to date again but now I feel scared to even get attached to friends. After ex-love blanked me and didn’t really explain he didn’t want to talk anymore either, this random ‘disappearing’ act seems to be a common theme for people in my life. I think I’m just not good at choosing trustworthy people? My FP told me ‘no matter what’ he would always want a friendship with me because he’s also attached to me. I keep thinking ‘how could you do this?’ he knows how fragile a place I’m in right now.

I reactivated my old FB from when I was 21. I scroll down, I didn’t realise I was so popular compared to now. I have messages, plans, outings, every weekend. Friends messaging me, my ex messaging me, people asking if I’m single for everyone to see on the page. I look at my life today and the contrast is so dramatic. I ignore whatsapp messages, my friends have been messaging me, I am trying to get back to them but they have no idea the state I’m in at the moment.

I’m avoiding all responsibility at home and in my life. I spent some time with my sister and neice yesterday they came round and it was fun, but I kept retreating to my room. All I want to do is hibernate. I’m going to see this high through and then try to spiritually, mentally and physically heal. I know it’s going to take time I’m not even sure if a week is enough. I’m starting to wonder whether I need next week off as well but I’m worried I’ll get fired if I do. How did I get here?


mental health · poetry






four more.

White gold was always my favourite. Something I’m choosing to adore, it beats being the whore. You know, the kind that they always accused me of being. He didn’t know my worth so I found something else. To replace you. It loves me back. I always feel good when I take you.

Into me.

It was a leap of faith, sure, or impulsivity, does it really matter which one it was? I’m here now with you again, in bed. I’m warm. I’m always calm when you’re here. Feels like all my tension slips away. My mind’s clear, or a little …up there, at least, it is for a while.

Anyway, let’s not talk about when this moment ends. I want to stay here for now. You know I’ll come back for more. I promised myself I wouldn’t –  ‘this is the last time’ I declare. Took me two days and I reach out for you again. You’re always so dependable. You don’t know what you do to me, but I do. You’re my escape. My dirty little secret. I can’t introduce you to my family just yet, they won’t understand. Let’s just keep this between us for now. I know this is toxic, I know I’m dependant but what am I to do? I don’t want to get help. I try not to think about you during the day. I want to keep you out of my mind. But when the days winding up to close, I know you’re coming round. I pick you up and you spend time with me. See, you spend time with me whenever I want, I never have to ask twice. It can be too much at times but I always was

too much.

I know this is and I’m in over my head but let’s just see where this thing goes…I know where it goes, it’s going to end in my destruction but I’m a girl who loves flirting with death. Self sabotage queen, you give me what I need to do just that. You fulfill me, take me away to places where I can actually dream. Codeine, how did we get here?


borderline personality disorder · mental health


Did my stupid codeine tonight, last of my batch. I’m meant to ‘enjoy it’ because of that reason but at the moment I’m not. I’m not even sure if I’ve gone and built a tolerance to this dose. I think it’s kicking in though because I’m struggling to post.

i managed not to have any yesterday because it’s not feeling the way it first did and the fog of the crisis is cleared. I’ve even patched up with the person I was having a fallout with and we’re OK at the moment. I felt OK this evening except for the fact that my body feels so drained all the time I want to cry from the exhaustion. Gone are my ‘asleep by 10:30 up at 7:30’ days. Sleep is patchy. I’ve had nightmares every night. All to do with evil in various forms. The worst is when I wake at 2:59 or sometimes dead on 3:00am. Witching hour they call it. The moment I’m about to fall unconscious I hear a dog bark and I wake again. Or voices. Starting off at a normal tone and suddenly turning loud, startling me. Sometimes it talks directly to me, other times it’s a random part of a conversation made up by my imagination – or so, I hope.  The sounds used to frighten me, because they sound external, as if the dog is somewhere in the room or right by me. Now they’re annoying and worrying as it only happens when I’m having a flare up of whatever-the-fuck-this-is.

I had a moment this evening where I realised the dust from all the recent changes is settling. My sisters wedding celebrations are over, my room is transformed, ex-love is blocked out of my life and I have a new friend who i speak to everyday, who’s heard me at my BPD worst (even though he admits it was his fault) and has decided to stick around. It’s rare for someone to give you company when all you do is work and come home and feel like sh**, doesn’t make for the most entertaining conversation material. I dare to hope that he will be my friend for a long time. Admittedly in true bpd fashion, he was promoted to FP very early on in our communications, though he doesn’t seem to mind.

I’m so used to detaching this part of my life in my interactions with others, I see now that even with my friends who know about my diagnosis, they only get brief descriptions and then i endeavour to remain my ‘happy’ self (or an attempt) for as long as I can muster.

i’m aware that this all sounds terribly self pitying but I assure you this is my current state. Perhaps it’s just the residue of the recent storms and I hope it fades down. My new ‘normal’ is so different to what it was just a month ago. I hope I adjust.

I’m still going in late to work; waking at around 9/10am and I still don’t feel I have enough sleep. I barely manage to leave the house, battling the ache I feel to call in sick. I’m dreading tomorrow already as I have to be in before 10am for a meeting. We have a deadline for Monday so work has been super busy, I’ve managed to perform well I think, but I pay for it when I get home.

i’m going to get my bloods done soon because I can’t make sense of why I’m so shattered. My mum has been amazing as she solely takes care of the house and except for weekends when I feel I can – I have barely helped out. She’s noticed I spend all my time in bed, I just can’t quite seem to focus on anything else.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my ramblings. Recently more than ever it has meant a lot to me that you care to read about my thoughts and feelings and are always so supportive. I hope if you are struggling that you know I too will try my best to be there for you and say a prayer for you to feel some joy too.

Love, a x