borderline personality disorder · mental health

Obstacle course.

So I got through the week. I got through it despite being sans therapy, working full time, training on thursday and having major cramps. Therapy tomorrow! woop! Although I keep forgetting I have therapy tomorrow, it seems to be a common occurence the past few weeks, I wonder if I’m feeling better enough to not feel like I need to go? I want to keep going, at least for a year, only because I have had long stints without therapy only to end up doing impulsive things without realising. My BPD can be quite sneaky like that.

My BPD is under wraps, really, for the most part. It’s with constant management though. I mean daily, hourly, management. I need rest, strict sleep, I need to socialise, need down-time, I meditate everyday. I need meditation, meditation calms me like nothing else. Sometimes my mind is spinning and I don’t even realise until I start meditating. I do though, still feel like management is a constant obstacle course, avoiding and tip-toeing around ‘triggers’ so that I don’t blow up. Especially with my family relationships. I go through ‘splitting’ type thoughts in my mind often with my family, and although I’m not letting anything out and ruining my family relationships in the process, it’s still affecting me in my head and sometimes damage control means I have to leave them and isolate myself for a while so I don’t say anything to hurt their feelings. It means sometimes, I have to mind my own business, because I have an opinion about something my sister’s doing and before I would get into an argument with her or her and my mum by telling them I don’t agree with certain things they do but I see now that that only hurts me the most. Yes, I got my point across, but if it wasn’t affecting my life, I made the argument affect my life by getting me all dysregulated, and she doesn’t listen to me anyway. Which I mean is fair enough, it’s her life and she wants to do things a certain way, she can.

I have realised now my mental health cannot be put at risk even by things like that. It’s hard though because I was so used to doing that my whole life, ending up in arguments with her or my mum by telling them ‘this isn’t right’, that it was weird to let go and keep quiet. Like last night, she stayed out til late without telling my mum or even letting me know and I still don’t know when she got back, this would have made me mad before, not that she can’t go out but the fact that she didn’t even let me know. I decided it’s just not worth getting mad over, it’s only affecting me and I ignored it, and today I am glad I did, because I slept fine, avoided an argument and felt better for it. It’s hard changing old patterns, some things I feel are completely changed and routine for me, like self-care, balancing socialising etc. but this is an area I’m still navigating.

Although now I am calmer (thanks to proper sleep and 5-HTP patches woot!) the ‘bigger’ issues of BPD are now coming into play – like questions about identity, how exactly I want my next year to go. I am going to keep going but by March it will have been 24 months (woah) of recovery and I’m starting to wonder where to go from there. It feels like 2018 is a big stretch that I don’t know how to fill apart from training at the charity, and possibly studying in September, I want something more. I want less recovery, more living. I don’t know if I want to stick in this position which will be finished by January time and after that, I’ll have to find something new again, and what? Is a question still unanswered and still a little daunting.

Now that I better manage my moods (I still have my moments, I assure you) I also have been feeling broody, YES, children have been off my mind for a long time, and since I don’t even have anyone by my side, it’s confusing to me. I guess I just want a family of my own to surround myself with, and be busy with. Focusing on yourself is great and all, but it gets tiresome focusing only on yourself. I want more love around me, a home. Plus, my close friend has also found someone so I am the only one, apart from my work-friend who is single, and while I’m not too bothered, it does impact my time with them as they talk about their relationships or just have their time filled with their other halves. My friend has already planned to go to events I would have asked her to go to with me, with her BF as he’s into similar stuff. So I won’t be able to go now, unless I summon up courage to go on my own, but these events are a little too open for that.

I am also struggling with how much I want to/let my mental illness define me. I tell myself I am not BPD, I HAVE BPD and there is a huge difference between the two. But when I put it aside, not really talk about it and just get on, I feel like people miss something, I am dismissing something that actually is still there and is only understated and easily passed over because of how much I manage it. But then, when I become all about it, wanting to mention it, wanting to be with someone I can talk to about it, reading up about it, it’s like that becomes the biggest part of my life, and that doesn’t feel right anymore either. It’s not my life, it’s not all of who I am, and there is a lot going on at the moment for me that it’s not affecting. So it’s confusing me a little, I might have to talk about all this tomorrow as I don’t have an answer…

 

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borderline personality disorder · mental health

3 Things I am grateful for.

Something that stuck with me from my therapist last year was when she told me to write the following everyday:

3 things I am grateful for, 3 things I am feeling, and 3 things I am proud of. Now I don’t always do the last 2 but I try to do at least the first, almost everyday (I am slipping here and there). I wanted to share it on here, in the hopes that someone else could get into it but also because in my research I have found a lady who used to suffer from BPD and now is doing very very well in life also engages in this practice but added an extra part. She put ‘When bad things happen I write a list of what I could learn from that situation, what opportunities could come from it and I focus on that.’ – So I will add that today too.

 Things I am grateful for today:

My friend at work – being able to tell her what happens in my life and get advice from her about an interpersonal situation. I don’t do this with many people so it is a blessing.

Having a job where my timings can be flexible, some days I just can’t stick to the ‘usual hours’.

My other friend who totally understood me when I plucked up the courage to assert a boundary nicely.

I was moody and grumpy for work this morning because I was missing a lot of things before I even left the house but it also turned out it’s my monthly. Today I have learnt that I am able to catch myself in the funk of it so now I can start to change it, maybe I can practice some DBT – some mindfulness. If what I’m getting upset about isn’t urgent I could just walk out of the house instead of getting all up in my head and adding to my anger. I could try a brief affirmation. Now I can also tell myself it may be my hormones and not always me ‘acting out’. So next time, I can recall that there may be a good physiological reason for this.

3 Things I am feeling:

Tired (pretty sure this is an always thing?).

Content.

Anxious – about the assessment tomorrow.

3 things I am proud of:

I asserted a boundary today.

I made it through the morning relatively unscathed with my relationships all intact.

I socialised after work knowing it would be better for me than going straight home.

 

So I am recuperating in my room, on the screens as always. Tonight’s meditation will be the following:

 

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · mental health

The time in the day when you felt OK.

I need to document this time, mainly because it happens many times, at least once a day but I am hoping I will be able to remember this moment the next time I feel taken over by sadness. In my darker moments it’s almost as if these happier/calmer states just don’t exist. For one, I am content right now because I am not manically checking my phone to see if I have a text back. It doesn’t bother me at all. Secondly, I have been able to have my attention fully on one thing and that has been reading articles online about people’s experiences with BPD. It always helps me –  I guess to keep hope alive. Thirdly, I feel at peace in my body. My chest isn’t hurting and I don’t feel sad or torn apart. I didn’t feel like this just earlier in the day. I’ve noticed the dreaded depressed feeling today lasted about 3 hours at the most. I played around doing make up on my sister to distract myself and after that I was fine. While at work on Thursday – my depressed mood which led me to barely talking to colleagues lasted for about 4 – 5 hours. So these mood states are not long at all. But when I am in them it’s like I can’t remember what it was like before. I can’t recall happy moments or I can but they feel like something of the past, not just you know, this morning or 2 days ago. It’s like remembering a dream you had, hazy and distant. So, as of this moment, I am okay. I can get through 3-5 hours of sadness, I can let those states pass.

I am okay and when I am in those moods, I will come out of them and be OK again. Do they still suck? Yes. Will I go through it again? Yes. Will I come out of them? Yes. Is it worth coming out of them? Right now, I don’t feel super content in saying Yes but I still feel like it is worthwhile. I don’t want to let it keep me down. I will be around even after the sadness. I am not sadness. Sadness passes. Emotions change, they do not need to be judged. This is something they teach us in DBT but I still haven’t quite accepted feeling deeply sad, especially when there is no trigger. I guess I feel like I need a ‘reason’ for sadness and if I don’t have one, I take issue with it. It’s OK to have times of sadness, even if it’s for no reason and it doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me human and it doesn’t make me unstable, it’s just how my brain works. It doesn’t make me unstable because I have healthy, non damaging outlets, I am able to contain myself and see myself through them in some way or another. I am able to support myself and get through another day. I got through today. I can get through tomorrow.

 

 

borderline personality disorder · dating · dbt · mental health · therapy

I don’t have time for mental illness.

I guess the main relief is my current struggle isn’t actually my doing. Even in therapy on Monday when I relayed the events going on in my life of last week, he wholeheartedly agreed that none of this was caused by my BPD. For once, all the shambles around me are just life events occurring. It hasn’t been me being reckless, or sabotaging or me lashing out at people under stress. It’s just a stressful shitty time. I hibernated last weekend and I guess I’ve been hibernating from this blog too, mainly because truly, no recovery related stuff is really happening, I don’t have interesting fun facts at the moment to share. My life at the moment is pretty strained. My psych acknolwedging that a lot is happening helped me to really believe it. I guess when you feel so intensely sometimes you wonder whether you’re exaggerating it or whether things really are that difficult at the moment.

There are some pros that have emerged in my recent experience:

  • I didn’t act out at all during all of this and had a healthy ‘break up’ (we were barely together, but you know) when Ben said he doesn’t want to take things further my urge was to cling, to call him and ask to consider the changes we could make to make it work (I have a hard time letting go, obviously) but I didn’t. It was hard, but I realised that he knew that too, and if he wanted he could have called/met up with me to talk about how we could make it work, he obviously didn’t want that, and I deserve that.
  • I took ‘executive’ action – as I like to call it – to handle the stress (more on that later).
  • I have been using positive coping strategies and so far I regret none of them.
  • I am still in therapy and because of my last session I was able to notice a BPD type behaviour creeping up and nip it in the bud before it gets bad.
  • I’ve actually been pretty reliable and responsible, especially at home. I’m doing more errands, spending a lot of time with family, helping out financially even more and with all of that, managing my BPD myself.

The actions I took are actually related to more stress that has been piled on me.              My sister lost a job after being accepted and before she even started because she’s been discriminated against for having depression (this is an article in itself). So I have to chip in more financially at home – this means I’ve dropped therapy to fortnightly and I’ve had to go back fulltime. So I’ll be starting full-time next week. I feel like both of these things are not what’s best for my recovery but, I’m going to try my best to get through it. But it helps the situation at the moment, and in terms of recovery it means I was responsible and able to take care of my family despite all of the crazyness going on at the moment.

I have started taking melatonin for the last 4 nights and it hasn’t been a miracle but I definetly feel less tired in the day and it helps me manage my BPD a lot better because of that. Unfortunately, I still had a nightmare last night which woke me, I’m going through a stint of having them every night and it’s upsetting to say the least so I hope that doesn’t happen tonight. I think I’m close to nailing the best sleeping time for me and once I have that, working full-time may be a lot easier. I’m also waiting for my 5-HTP patches. Now the tablets definetly helped me, (again not a miracle but it lifts my moods for sure as I felt it happening the first day of taking it). I am hoping the patches are even better. BPD and ME talks about it on her blog and how it helped her so I’m grateful that she put that out there. I will let you guys know how I go with that. So between the melatonin and 5-HTP I’m hoping my moods and sleep will stabilise and I can get on with things easier. I also have my assessment for DBT on tuesday which will be up to 2 hours! Of getting drilled with questions but hopefully after that, I can start, weekly for a good half a year or so of DBT! I think it’s going to be one-to-one as well so maybe that will help. I really hope so, at least it’s more support so I’ll take what I can get.

I was reminded how sneaky my BPD can be this week. I was reaching a point after Ben of becoming unhealthily obsessed with the app. I kept going on it and making it about who did or didn’t like me. All of a sudden it was becoming more urgent, an evaluation, trying to find the right person quickly. Getting angry that it isn’t happening. I knew it was happening but I kept finding myself back on it. I told psych about it and he said that while my current life situation may not be my doing, this IS. I love that he can be blunt and honest with me in a nice way. He pulls me up on BS that could harm me. He’s right of course so I agreed I’ll be taking a break from it. I had already swapped numbers with one person but I’ve ignored all the messages from others and haven’t logged on in days. I already feel better for it. I haven’t always needed to be in therapy, last year I went months without, studying, going out, trying to be normal but then the behaviours creep up on me and I’m not really thinking about them. So this has been a stark reminder to me that even if it’s fortnightly I need to carry on for now no matter how ‘functional’ I might seem at the moment. It’s like pulling out weeds before they can grow and get crazy. I’m grateful he was able to help me nip it in the bud, now I just need to keep it this way for a while.

I’m not really going out much but I am making the effort to go out with family, keep in touch etc. and prayer and spirituality is really helping. I lose myself in reaching out to God to help me through this time and it really beats harmful behaviours. I don’t feel great inside at the moment, but at least I’m not regretting anything.

 

 

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · dating · mental health · Uncategorized

Shit got real.

He didn’t want to take it further. He sent the message while I was at work, as a reply to me saying I wanted to see him again (ouch). One of the reasons being ‘potential problems with my hypersensitivity and the way he knows he can be and his personality.’ Ahh…there it is the personality related one. There were other things too. Most of which could be worked around…he obviously didn’t want to work around them, things like living situation and my studying for my career plans etc. It is what it is.

One of them I may make a post about as it’s something not encountered just by talking to him, but a number of times in my life and something that I just need to rant about.

He was taking a while to reply as I’d asked him in the morning and he didn’t get back til later in the afternoon. See BPD brain and my clingyness issues and insecurities can make me panic when my other half doesn’t reply back quick enough but sometimes, I don’t think it’s that at all. Times like this make me feel like 1) I was right to panic which makes it worse in future situations because I remember these situations 2) It probably wasn’t irrational anxiety, maybe it was my gut instinct telling me something was up.

I mean it sounded like we would both have had to compromise a lot of things, but then aren’t a lot of relationships like that? I’m just a bit sick of the search too. It does hurt, and it hurts because since yesterday I was starting to warm up and feel comfortable and looking forward to seeing him. It’s just typical bad timing. I left work early after crying in the bathroom because yesterdays news was still on my mind as it was and I just didn’t have the energy to fake around my work friends compared to this morning where work was a welcome distraction and potentially seeing him was something to look forward to as well. 

Romantic relationships are the arena where my BPD kicks in the hardest, not really friendships, family or even work so at the moment I’m finding it super hard to take care of myself. What I really want to do is dance it out on stage in some smokey ass club, with a whole lot of tequila in my system. But neither of those things would happen because I don’t do either of things anymore. Or alternatively, self-harm it away. But I’ve had a long streak of not doing that anymore either (coming onto 19 months). I’m just going to try to get through the weekend..I have therapy on Monday so I hope I can see some sense then. I hope my psychologist has some more magic phrases and logic that will help me think it all away.

FFS.

 

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · dating · mental health

Well, that sucked.

Cue another sucky thing about bpd brain is the ability to take everything personally. I had an interview today and it was in the mental health field which as you all know I have been wanting to get into for a long time. Anddd the interview was awkward as hell. It’s not a therapy role which is obviously what I want but it would be supporting psychiatrists etc. so it was still a move in the right direction.

The whole thing was just awkward from start to finish. One of the ladies actually made a blunt and rude statement in answer to my question (kind of making me look stupid when my question was pretty reasonable). But, because she said it in a normal tone it was kind of brushed off and I couldn’t say much because I’m in an interview. In my head I’m thinking pshhh woman if we weren’t in this situation would you have got a piece of my mind for that. I think she was mad because I didn’t ask her questions (she actually will not be my boss or even working within the same team as me so why she was there was beyond me).

It’s hard after the interview not to blame myself or feel bad about myself. In reality it’s just a question of whether or not you are suited for the role and the role is suited for you, and if you don’t get it there are a 100 other jobs you would be great at. I know all of that, and I would always encourage people to keep going for interviews and try and the main thing was that I made the effort to go. Sucked up the nerves, put myself out there, that type of thing. But, it still doesn’t take away from that feeling and the sinking feeling once you’ve left. My sleep has been erratic, nightmares, waking up at 4am for no good reason, so I am exhausted and need a lot of TLC today.

My self harming instinct wanted me to wallow and feel crap and berate myself but I tried to do something to cheer myself up. Went shopping, kinda too broke to get much and I was just grumpy. Got a lot of junk and engaged in binge eating while sitting with my family, got some bad family news. I’m just trying to block it out because it is actually too upsetting. And now at the time of writing this, Ben and me are going through something that may be a dealbreaker. His dependance on his older sister to ‘OK’ someone before he takes things further and in the future before he introduces to his parents, etc. I’m not about that. I’m feeling YOU out, not your sister. Kind of a turn off and I’m awaiting his reply as I said I’m not taking this further if that is an essential requirement for him.

So I’m dreading what he replies as this will be enough to make me jump ship and then by the end of today I would have had massive bad news, a crappy interview and be back to single and looking all by 3pm.

Trying hard not to pity myself, but when crappy things happen, why do they all happen together?