There has been a lot to think about today and a lot of lessons learned, of the psychological kind, (always the best). I was a little distressed this afternoon (I say a little, but I mean a lot, like damn just keep pretend shopping until therapy, just make it through until therapy, gaaah I can’t wait to make it home, wow– therapy feels like home?!).
Yesterday went OK, as in, we had fun and I didn’t hate him.
When I got into the house, dropping the roses, chocolates and perfume onto the bed, to see the expectant faces of my mother and sister who were both dieing to know the deets, I immediately said ‘no’.
That should have been sign enough but it took me most of today to be sure.
He’s a very nice person in general, caring, almost to a fault. I just didn’t feel any attraction to him. We didn’t have too much to talk about and our lives are quite different, being a city girl who has always wanted to live in the country, now I’m wondering whether that’s the right choice – his lifestyle just seemed so sheltered compared to everything I get to do now. Do I really want to leave? Maybe the move has to happen a lot later than I imagined, maybe I am learning the difference between what I thought I want and need to what I actually want and need? The meal at the restaurant was awkward as hell because he doesn’t experiment much (as in, reaaaallly sticks to one thing), we don’t have any similar hobbies, interests, movie taste, shows, style (I thought we did, we don’t).
I spent most of today juggling around in my head how to end it, whether I should end it, questioning if it’s my BPD pushing someone away, whether I’m afraid of getting close to someone or whether it’s the fact that I now finally have some kind of filter in my brain that can actually turn people down for healthy reasons. All my life, up until these last 2 years and especially this year, I haven’t been able to do that. Most of my relationships should never have happened and they were because of the lack of said filter so this new ‘standard’ and this ‘selecting’ strategy that I have is only now something I am using and starting to gradually feel more and more confident in. I hope I’m making sense, I’m writing this before bed so I’m really not sure whether this is truly reflecting the inner workings of my mind or if I’m rambling, (lol).
I started wondering whether it is me being too picky, of being doomed to a life of singledom and rejections and rejecting forever. I couldn’t wait to get into therapy today to hash it all out.
Therapy is my saviour, what keeps me grounded to reality and keeps me heading in the right direction without taking stupid left turns into dead-end relationships or self sabotaging or leaving my job which is so so tempting at the moment.
And it did help today, it helped because my psychologist agreed that I am actually benefitting a lot from these dating experiences. Not in terms of the hunt of finding the one, or the romance of it, so to speak, but I am learning so much in terms of social interactions, interpersonal relationships and navigating them. This whole ‘filter’ thing for example, would never have come about if it wasn’t for all of this, nor would all of this new thought about my self-worth and how I want people to view me and treat me. So I am happy and grateful that this is accelerating my growth and giving me more situations to hash over in therapy. I don’t feel stagnant I guess.
I also realised I wasn’t being too picky, he said maybe I could be too ‘strict’ on my criteria at the moment but that maybe I need to give myself some time to learn and adjust it along the way, as I used to be so ‘open’ before and that didn’t do me good so I guess he means I will find a middle ground in my own time and so far, I think that rings true. I told him about all the things I didn’t like and that I didn’t have in common with my date and he agreed that these are all practical reasons not to go ahead with something but perhaps, most importantly, he told me to trust my feelings.
Trust your feelings, guys – you’re welcome.
On a gut level, I came into the house and said ‘no’. I realise, I shouldn’t feel that way, I should be feeling the post-date joy, the excitement, the butterflies, the wanting to see him again. Today, I wanted to talk to him less, spent the day busy doing other things and then waited til I was free in the evening to talk to him on the phone. It hit home, that it felt like I was talking to a friend. He could talk about his day, I could talk about mine, it was pleasant, good to check-in, that was it, really. I wanted to get off the phone soon and read my new book that I’m obsessed with and blog on here.
So I ‘fessed up. In the nicest possible way, I guess I was trying to say we don’t have that ‘chemistry’ there. That’s the only way I can put it. The line from ‘friends’ to ‘partners’ was never crossed. He breathed what sounded like a sigh of relief and said he was glad I said it because he was trying to think of a way of telling me the same thing. That he felt like he had gone out with a friend. He told me he’s happy he got to meet me and know me and that he still wishes me the best, that I’m a nice ‘lass’ (in his northern words) which is good to hear from someone who’s dated you, even if it’s just once, guess it brings home that I’m not nasty or stuck up when I meet new people. We wished eachother the best in finding the right person, to keep in touch and said goodnight.
I felt amazed. I had actually called it! Not only that, but I called it right, said my truth and, I didn’t keep going just because he hadn’t said anything, waiting for him to call it as I used to (does he like me/not like me/does he want to continue/not continue?) dragging myself along hoping I feel more attraction to them just like I did in September. But to top it off, he felt the same!
I never thought I would be happy about someone feeling mutual lack of chemistry but there are so many firsts to experience!
I still have a lot of stuff to juggle the next few weeks, including the house and some issues at work, but I feel so good about what’s happened here, that it was another step in the right direction. I am realising I need my ‘breaks’ from looking to be more than therapy and just passing time, I am going to try to book a spiritual retreat or weekend classes.
For whatever reason, I feel like the next step is nurturing my soul for a little while.