borderline personality disorder · mental health · poetry · Uncategorized

Waning

I nuzzle in between your thighs,

Kissing your warm skin wherever I can,

I never tire of breathing you in.

In here, I feel at home.

Holding apart your soft skin with my fingers,

‘Tell me,

Tell me about the secrets you keep,

Where do you hide them?’

My lips rising to your womb

‘Is it here my love?

you keep your pain…

Nurturing it

As though you would a child?’

You shake your head,

Black tresses of hair swaying on the pillow.

How beautiful and tormented.

‘No, not here’.

I feel you restrict,

Pulling yourself inwards.

Stay with me.

I take my time,

Kissing my way to your chest.

I listen to the beating of your heart,

Trapped in a cage.

Is it tired?

‘Is it in here?…’ I ask.

‘…An unwelcome visitor?’

You turn your face to the side,

I know you are holding back tears.

You were always too proud to cry.

Gently, you nod your head.

Your brown eyes are so distant now,

Are they searching for escape?

‘Has my love not reached and thrown your demons out?’

‘No,’ she says.

‘Just hold me a little tighter, so that I can forget it all.

Even if…

it’s just for a moment.’

 

 

 

Advertisements
borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health

How my dad’s BPD led to mine.

A big statement. But a very true statement; my dad has been untreated his whole life. Sure, it’s calmed down for the most part now that he’s in his 60’s but is it enough to simply ‘act out less?’ I would say no. It’s not enough to stop acting out when what you say can be just as damaging – the thought processes, the ‘verbal’ acting out is still there.

My mum’s away for a couple of weeks so it means I have to be around him a lot more than I am when she’s here. Even the way he talks to her is not OK but she has accepted a lot of his behaviours and just smiles or ignores it. As someone who went on to develop (now, traits of BPD) I can’t just ignore what he says.

Anyway, last night I had a bit of a go at him, and in my eyes, rightly so. I am going in to work late as I type this, because I was playing it out in my head this morning (and I’m not that well as it is) to see how I could have changed my behaviour if I needed to. This is how it went down:

We went to my sisters last night and ordered take out as we’re making it a weekly thing to do that. He came by in a suit which is very unlike him. We asked him about it and he joked saying that it was because last time I called him scruffy (he had his hood up of his hoodie tight so you couldn’t really see his face so he looked like a bit of a thug). Apparently I asked him again in the evening but I don’t remember really.

On the way back to the car. I asked him again as a joke/conversation. ‘So what was the real reason you wore that suit?’ I thought he may have visited his lawyer as he has an ongoing legal battle that, or he went to visit someone… just a bit of topic of conversation. He fell back and started talking to my sister/complaining that I’ve already asked him 3 times, I don’t have to believe him if I don’t want to, it’s because he didn’t have anything else to wear.. it goes on. She kind of dodged it and asked if he’s staying around to which he said ‘no last time I stayed your sister came down at 9 had a go at me to stop being loud because she had work, it doesn’t feel right, I don’t feel right.’

This, obviously got to me. Really, how dare he. It’s super hurtful that out of his own misinterpretation he assumed that my asking about the suit meant that I was ‘criticising him’ or ‘not believing him’ when actually I was just trying to talk to him. (This is why I usually don’t bother). Then to talk about it right behind me to my little sister, leaving me to walk on my own and alienate me. In the car I got in and said ‘I was just asking you about the suit as conversation’ he kept defending himself and I just said ‘sorry I even asked a question.’ He still didn’t apologise/feel anything bad about it or notice that he upset me. Everyone’s meant to tread around his outbursts.

He was lieing about it being 9pm. It was around 10:40pm and I know because I saw the clock on my way down before I asked him to be quiet. My ‘go’ at him was : ‘can you talk quietly please I have to sleep for work and I can hear you.’ It wasn’t in a sweet tone, sure, but I wasn’t shouting either. And with his door closed and mine and him being downstairs he obviously wasn’t as ‘quiet’ as he thought he was. And as someone with mental health I need my flipping sleep. I have a strict schedule for a reason. Not that he knows or cares.

I’m hormonal, was in pain and exhausted and already trying not to split with my sister who was smoking while with us. I told her not to, she can do that in her own private time but she didn’t listen to me. Which is fine, I can’t control her and I’m trying to notice when I ‘split’ and start villifying her in my brain just because she isn’t doing something I want her to. I can’t control her life. I have to accept that sometimes people will do what they want even if you ask them effectively. Your nearest and dearest will not always listen to you. I’m not her mother and she’s old enough I know, I just struggle with not seeing her as ‘all bad’ at those times. I’m trying to see that she’s a mixture, a mixture who I love as a whole even though sometimes she may really piss me off. We’re fine today, and I’m not splitting on her today, because the event has passed. So I feel like in those times when I see her as ‘so bad/disrespectful/stubborn’ or whatever it is that I’m splitting her into in my mind, I need to try to remind myself that I won’t be thinking like that perhaps even in an hour or two’s time. It’s during those moments that I find it really tough to remember that. But today, it’s back to seeing her as my normal everyday sister. I know we have quite different personalities and views on things but if I want to get better I have to accept that as well.

The situation with my dad didn’t go well after that. I felt a sting of pain and I wanted to cry in the car. It was in that moment that it made so much sense to me that I would have, as a child, developed BPD traits. It could even explain the social anxiety. It’s the unpredictability. If you’re having a regular conversation with someone/joking around and they misinterpret the situation and start talking about you/complaining/arguing it makes sense that you’re going to be afraid/unsure/anxious in your future interactions with people. I have learnt to be unsure of what to expect. It’s why I’m always second guessing how someone meant something, or whether if I’m assertive I might get an ‘angry response’ or shut down or rejected. Because I’ve grown up in a house where I wasn’t getting a ‘normal’ response. It would just depend on his mood and the dysfunctional  way he interpreted things. I mean hell, he would even flip at my mum asking her ‘why are you looking at me like that?’ when I remember, she would be looking at him the way all people look at eachother, but he had found a way of turning it into a threat and argue with her about it. It was, no doubt, truly, messed up. Not to mention it led him to physically beat her so many times.

Anyway, moving on from that. I decided not to cry but I was going to get my point across. I’ve grown weary of letting him say and do what he pleases and it goes uncorrected. ‘I was asking you normally about the suit, you know just to talk, and it wasn’t 9pm it was 10:40 and I didn’t have a go at you or say you can’t stay round at all so don’t make it sound like I did’. I mean he still didn’t apologise.

This is where my anger started to mess with me and my taking care of myself. He diverted the topic and carried on talking to my sister, ignoring me or my existence. I was still mad when I got home and went back out to his car. I told him/shouted that he didn’t need to talk about me behind my back to my sister, that it’s not nice, it’s actually hurtful and not to make it sound like I’m not letting him stay. That it was out of order how he did that. He told me: ‘I don’t have time for this’ and drove off.

Of course, he never has time for any of this. He never actually has had time for my emotional responses. I’ve had to work on in therapy one particular instance from when I was about as young as 7 where I was crying and all he did was make fun of me. So, you know, the parenting skills/emotional availability just aren’t there.

I’ve learnt a lot from this incident and mulling it over.

  1. That I have to be careful not to split on my loved ones, and when I have, to notice that’s what’s happening (something I’ve been doing more of recently) and to give it time to pass. I was able to not to get into an argument with my sister and make the house awkward over her smoking. I’ve also realised it’s important to remember that even if I do ask someone for something, they can say no, and that I can’t control her/anyone else. If I still feel a certain way after I’ve come out of ‘split’ mode I can always bring it up in a mature conversation. This act of noticing yesterday saved me from ruining a relationship I have had to work to get back.
  2. It’s not my dad’s misinterpretation that hurts, it’s okay to misinterpret situations but he should have asked for clarity. He could have asked me what I meant by that question and it would have opened up the conversation for me to explain I was just curious/joking, he could have saved himself an argument that came about from his own judgements. For myself, if I feel like I’m interpreting something negatively, I’m going to ask ‘What did you mean by that?’ or ‘Why did you ask?’ or ‘Could you explain a little more?’ I might sound a little bimbo’y in asking but it’s better than the alternative and at least I can give the other person a chance to explain.
  3. This is probably why I am nervous in social interactions, or one of the reasons at least.
  4. It was good that I stuck up for myself instead of letting him bull-doze his anger over me and accuse me of something that just isn’t true.
  5. I didn’t need to run to the car and have a go at him. It only hurt me more than him. I can voice my opinion but it doesn’t mean the other person will be sorry/care. I would have had a more productive time engaging in self-care and calming myself down and then perhaps in a day or two if I felt I still needed to say more, I could say more. What is most important in these situations is that I take care of myself and bring myself down.
  6. Some people will not realise, or acknowledge their part in the situation. You can only voice your opinion skillfully.

I was raging a little in the house, for about a minute or two and then I went to my room to calm down. I realised I don’t want that kind of environment at home. I grew up in that kind of angry/scary environment because of my dads moods. I’m not repeating that. I know I’m only human and it was okay to be angry but it’s not nice for me or my brother and sister to see it at home. So I regulated myself and then got talking to my brother and sister as usual because I want them to feel comfortable at home. I especially don’t want them to be afraid of me, even if my anger isn’t directed at them.

In a way I realise now how important it is for me to be as emotionally regulated as possible. I want my home to be peaceful. I want everyone at home to feel safe and happy and know that despite my mental health struggles, they are okay with me. If I ever get married I would want the same in that house too.

I also want that for myself. I don’t want to be ranting and raging because someone said something to upset me. I want to put myself as first priority and my self-care as first priority. I will stick up for myself but I am not going to chase or force an apology out of someone, I can’t get someone to say sorry, or feel sorry. That is on them.

There’s a lot more I could say but I will leave it there for now. Mainly because I want all of this to sink in for me. I was musing on a lot more today, and have emailed another psychiatrist to see if I can try some meds again, will report back on that another time.

Have a lovely evening guys. xx

 

 

borderline personality disorder

Juggler

Maybe that’s what I am. I felt like that today, juggling my life with the brain that I have. I’m sorry, somewhere along the line I made my blog about recovery and mostly, with a focus on how I’m doing better but this one isn’t about that.

On the outside, I am getting a lot done, and mentally, I am so hyper aware of my BPD on a daily basis just to get through the day. Only to rinse and repeat tomorrow, I feel like life is one big marathon where even the weekends are not the ‘come down’. I feel like I never really get ‘rest’. My brain just doesn’t let me. That, and I cram all these activities and events and responsibilities to feel like I’m in recovery and doing well by managing all these things, but I don’t think I know when it goes from healthy to ‘too much’ or whether it is enough and I will see the fruits of it all later.

I think tomorrow I have to cut caffeine as I know I can get worse when I have too much, and I have been having wayyy too much, the reason I don’t care about it as much as I should is because even when I’m not on caffeine – my mind still races. From the moment I wake up, before my alarm has even gone off, my brain is going faster than I want it to. Even if it’s nothing ‘negative’ it will be firing off about work, what I need to do tomorrow, responsibilities, stress, stress, stress. I mean, if my brain must subject me to this invasion of thoughts why couldn’t it be something nice, like I dunno, fluffy kittens and laughing babies and how I should probably have icecream tomorrow and don’t forget to smile and ‘you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful’, you know, the good stuff.

Today, I ‘split’ on a colleague in my head and she had no idea, she looked at me in a way and told me not to do something in a bit of a moody? way, but then even apologised as she hadn’t clarified that she didn’t want me to do it. I spent a minute or two stewing inside about how much I dislike her now, how much of a bad person she is for having looked at me that way in front of the others when it was her own fault, how I don’t really like her…I realised what I was doing, all of this went on in my head, invisible to her. If I wasn’t so hyper aware of my condition, I’m not sure I would have realised what I was doing. I was able to get back to a more realistic view of her (she just came back from being sick and was actually pretty moody and it was showing in her interactions with everyone, not just me).. and continue talking to her effectively about work and later on laughing and sharing opinions.

I had to stop myself from eavesdropping on my bosses in the office because sometimes I’m still getting paranoid type thoughts that I must be topic of conversation, and always, it tells me, in a negative way. I realised these thoughts were ridicolous and forced myself to walk on, but that type of thought still comes.

I forced myself to state calmly what I needed my family members to do and had to try my best not to flip out when my dysfunctional father was irritating me with his no filter. He was round all day and he really makes it so much more difficult for me to manage myself. He has no idea about my life, my struggles, but comes over and demands and says things that are just not helpful.

Because of the holiday season I have a 3 week gap so I hope I can make it through this time without anything major happening. I have a big day tomorrow at work and I really want to be on form for it but I don’t know if I will be, or can be.

borderline personality disorder · mental health · Uncategorized

HSP

I have known for a while now that I’m a HSP, I’m not sure how much is out there about being an INFP, HSP and having BPD but I do feel like some personality types may be more prone to developing BPD symptoms. I don’t want to delve into it further than that as I just don’t have the knowledge to talk about it but I have found some commonality between the three and perhaps the traumatic experiences are what trigger the difficulties associated with what is otherwise, a positive HSP experience?

Anyway I am starting to appreciate the difficulties I experience on a daily basis that are outside the realm of BPD and more perhaps lending itself to what can be called a highly sensitive personality. Why do I use this label this time? Because this relates to my daily environmental experiences and triggers that are not usually things that are perceived in any way as threatening or negative.

I’ve noticed recently that it is affecting me in a number of ways:

I find myself squirming inside or feeling shocked when I hear a loud sound I wasn’t expecting, not like a crash or bang type loud noise. It could be a truck driving past and the shudder of it by my window that took me by surprise or my sister laughing loudly downstairs or the beeping of the train doors as they shut that bring me to shudder or feel assaulted to the point where I can’t focus on what I’m doing, reading or writing.

I have to dim my lights sometimes hours before bedtime, at least once a week I need to put on my fairy lights (warm glowy girly ones that make me so happy :D) about as early as 7pm, lock my room door and do a lot of nothing just to come down from the business and constant stimulation I experience in the day.

Being in social groups can get tiring too, not the whole time I am there but after a period of time, I am just drained from talking and being talked to, it starts to feel more like I’m being talked ‘at’.

Unexpected phone calls. This can affect me because my moods are unpredictable so sometimes I am really not together enough to want to answer calls, which sucks, because they’re usually from family and I can’t really ignore them which means I have to pretend even more. It also sucks into my ‘quiet space and time’ and I have to summon some kind of energy and politeness and be prepared to be on the phone longer than I want to be.

 

 

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · bpd · dating

Mutual end!

There has been a lot to think about today and a lot of lessons learned, of the psychological kind, (always the best). I was a little distressed this afternoon (I say a little, but I mean a lot, like damn just keep pretend shopping until therapy, just make it through until therapy, gaaah I can’t wait to make it home, wow– therapy feels like home?!).

Yesterday went OK, as in, we had fun and I didn’t hate him.

When I got into the house, dropping the roses, chocolates and perfume onto the bed, to see the expectant faces of my mother and sister who were both dieing to know the deets, I immediately said ‘no’.

That should have been sign enough but it took me most of today to be sure. 

He’s a very nice person in general, caring, almost to a fault. I just didn’t feel any attraction to him. We didn’t have too much to talk about and our lives are quite different, being a city girl who has always wanted to live in the country, now I’m wondering whether that’s the right choice – his lifestyle just seemed so sheltered compared to everything I get to do now. Do I really want to leave? Maybe the move has to happen a lot later than I imagined, maybe I am learning the difference between what I thought I want and need to what I actually want and need? The meal at the restaurant was awkward as hell because he doesn’t experiment much (as in, reaaaallly sticks to one thing), we don’t have any similar hobbies, interests, movie taste, shows, style (I thought we did, we don’t).

I spent most of today juggling around in my head how to end it, whether I should end it, questioning if it’s my BPD pushing someone away, whether I’m afraid of getting close to someone or whether it’s the fact that I now finally have some kind of filter in my brain that can actually turn people down for healthy reasons. All my life, up until these last 2 years and especially this year, I haven’t been able to do that. Most of my relationships should never have happened and they were because of the lack of said filter so this new ‘standard’ and this ‘selecting’ strategy that I have is only now something I am using and starting to gradually feel more and more confident in. I hope I’m making sense, I’m writing this before bed so I’m really not sure whether this is truly reflecting the inner workings of my mind or if I’m rambling, (lol).

I started wondering whether it is me being too picky, of being doomed to a life of singledom and rejections and rejecting forever. I couldn’t wait to get into therapy today to hash it all out.

Therapy is my saviour, what keeps me grounded to reality and keeps me heading in the right direction without taking stupid left turns into dead-end relationships or self sabotaging or leaving my job which is so so tempting at the moment.

And it did help today, it helped because my psychologist agreed that I am actually benefitting a lot from these dating experiences. Not in terms of the hunt of finding the one, or the romance of it, so to speak, but I am learning so much in terms of social interactions, interpersonal relationships and navigating them. This whole ‘filter’ thing for example, would never have come about if it wasn’t for all of this, nor would all of this new thought about my self-worth and how I want people to view me and treat me. So I am happy and grateful that this is accelerating my growth and giving me more situations to hash over in therapy. I don’t feel stagnant I guess. 

I also realised I wasn’t being too picky, he said maybe I could be too ‘strict’ on my criteria at the moment but that maybe I need to give myself some time to learn and adjust it along the way, as I used to be so ‘open’ before and that didn’t do me good so I guess he means I will find a middle ground in my own time and so far, I think that rings true. I told him about all the things I didn’t like and that I didn’t have in common with my date and he agreed that these are all practical reasons not to go ahead with something but perhaps, most importantly, he told me to trust my feelings.

Trust your feelings, guys – you’re welcome.

On a gut level, I came into the house and said ‘no’.  I realise, I shouldn’t feel that way, I should be feeling the post-date joy, the excitement, the butterflies, the wanting to see him again. Today, I wanted to talk to him less, spent the day busy doing other things and then waited til I was free in the evening to talk to him on the phone. It hit home, that it felt like I was talking to a friend. He could talk about his day, I could talk about mine, it was pleasant, good to check-in, that was it, really. I wanted to get off the phone soon and read my new book that I’m obsessed with and blog on here.

So I ‘fessed up. In the nicest possible way, I guess I was trying to say we don’t have that ‘chemistry’ there. That’s the only way I can put it. The line from ‘friends’ to ‘partners’ was never crossed. He breathed what sounded like a sigh of relief and said he was glad I said it because he was trying to think of a way of telling me the same thing. That he felt like he had gone out with a friend. He told me he’s happy he got to meet me and know me and that he still wishes me the best, that I’m a nice ‘lass’ (in his northern words) which is good to hear from someone who’s dated you, even if it’s just once, guess it brings home that I’m not nasty or stuck up when I meet new people. We wished eachother the best in finding the right person, to keep in touch and said goodnight. 

I felt amazed. I had actually called it! Not only that, but I called it right, said my truth and, I didn’t keep going just because he hadn’t said anything, waiting for him to call it as I used to (does he like me/not like me/does he want to continue/not continue?) dragging myself along hoping I feel more attraction to them just like I did in September. But to top it off, he felt the same!

I never thought I would be happy about someone feeling mutual lack of chemistry but there are so many firsts to experience!

I still have a lot of stuff to juggle the next few weeks, including the house and some issues at work, but I feel so good about what’s happened here, that it was another step in the right direction. I am realising I need my ‘breaks’ from looking to be more than therapy and just passing time, I am going to try to book a spiritual retreat or weekend classes.

For whatever reason, I feel like the next step is nurturing my soul for a little while.

 

borderline personality disorder · mental health · Mental health culture

Don’t tell me I’m not tired when I’m tired.

Well I actually started this piece by typing up the word ‘Hi’ as if I was about to write an email so that should probably give an indication of how tired I really am. I’m not sure how helpful what I’m about to say will be, but I will say it because I need to, damnit. I’ve read quite a few articles online now talking about tiredness and the struggle with mental health. Namely, that the two are related even if one cannot see the health issue as you can a physical illness. It’s just that it seems to be happening to me a lot lately, and it is getting on my damn nerves.

When I say I am tired, I am tired. I don’t need to explain it, I don’t need to justify it, I don’t need to go through my day so you can ‘believe me’. Why the heck is this even a thing? I can even recall occasions in the past when I’ve jokingly or in a genuinely confused fashion questioned someone: ‘why are you tired, you’ve been at home all day watching TV!’. Not that I have been at home watching TV, between work, training, tutoring and dating I wish I had a day at home, only, I don’t.  It’s to the extent that I haven’t even had time to be nervous about my date tomorrow, I’m just going through motions of all the things I’m juggling. But when I find I do express my current state of being ‘tired’ no one seems to want to hear it, or believe me.

I mean on the outside, I get it, why would a single 27 year old find it so hard to work and go out, isn’t that what everyone at that age does? Only, you can’t see or even know about how I drag around this thing called borderline personality disorder which maybe I don’t have anymore but even then a diagnosis is just a checklist so really there are a lot of emotions and struggles still associated with it, such as the social anxiety that had me breathing deep in group training today and wondering whether I should slip away and pop an anxiety medication I happened to keep in my purse and come back hoping it will help me regroup. I didn’t, but the sensations are all still there. I mean, I’m still popping melatonin to make sure I sleep through the night, and I am travelling a lot. Ironically, a lot more than the people who are making said statements about ‘why are you tired?’ It’s frustrating as f to hear it from someone who doesn’t experience a day even similar to what you do. Sure, it’s easy to say when you get to nap mid-day or take it easy or drive to wherever you have to go so you’re not surrounded by the imbeciles on public transport that I face, you know, like the guy who decided to puke on the bus or the one who played his music so loud on his headphones the whole bus could hear it, to top it off it wasn’t even good music so it just felt like post-work torture instead of a nice silent bus journey home. 

I’m not saying I couldn’t have it worse, or I couldn’t be busier because I will be busier in precisely 2 days time. All that I really mean from this rant is that when I am telling you I’m tired, just for once, let me have that moment. I’m effing tired. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be saying it. I’m not being offensive, I don’t have to write an essay on the cause and effect relationship explaining the various factors that have led me to this point, all I need is to say it, and for you to accept it as my truth. It’s not even laziness, infact, I wish it was laziness. It also boils down to the same fact that people just don’t acknowledge that someone can have a lot going on mentally, I don’t need to have fever to be tired, I can be tired just from the thoughts and adjustments I have to make in my head. I mean I am glad I can make them and that I am currently at a level where I am functioning enough to be able to do all of this, but you know, it doesn’t remove the fact that it’s tough. I don’t understand why sometimes it’s the nearest and dearest that are the most invalidating whilst I can write all of this on here and receive nothing but support.

Still gonna say it. As much as I want.

borderline personality disorder · bpd · dating

Lantern festival date.

Starting to feel the BPD pang in my conversations with him now. We can talk for ages on the phone and not get bored. We’re talking about 3/4 hours every night and it’s before bedtime so we’re not messing up our work routine. It goes from anything random to the deepest insecurities we have and we haven’t even met yet. He is just such a gent, not for one moment has he made me feel like I don’t deserve the respect that any other woman does. No crude mannerisms, no asking me about my body size, feet, p*rn, ‘getting up to something when we meet’. This alone makes me feel so much safer when I’m talking to him. I felt comfortable enough to tell him about a lot of my past trauma, the abuse, how I grew up and he told me he found me more attractive in that I had been through so much and am now such a strong person. His reaction says a lot about him. Usually, I worry that when I go over my mental health and how I’m still in therapy that it would put someone off. Ben had said ‘potential problems with my sensitivity’ as one of the reasons for us not to pursue a relationship. But with him, he said it’s just made him want to take care of me even more, guess it brings out some instinct to protect or something? Lol, I don’t know, but it is sweet.

‘Such a strong person’, whenever you are told that, do you ever really believe it? I never feel like a strong person. I don’t think I focus on strength at all. I know I can focus on my achievements, but not on my strength in general, if I even have that. I actually spend most of my working days and mornings feeling like I don’t have my act together. Bustling around, just about managing to have breakfast and lunch (which I am stressing out about in the back of my mind, trying not to count calories) and get in for a reasonable time.

All in all, it is going well. I’ve planned the ins and outs of Sunday. We’re going to the Chinese lantern festival!

wow

It is so beautiful. I went last year too, In a way I can’t believe it’s been a year already. So much has and hasn’t happened. Well, I am looking forward to it and the lanterns should be fun enough to distract from my nerves and from attention from other people who will be too busy to realise this is a first date. (That’s where the social anxiety bit lies, in other people’s reaction).

But I am starting to think the worst, and worrying about emotional connection. Am I cutting myself off? What about the days when he sees me in my moods (basically, everyday)? Does he have any idea what he could be getting into? He hasn’t seen me when I’m mad, or upset, or in a super stressful situation, will he really be able to handle it, more importantly, love me through it?

I feel like I am finding excuses to say no prematurely, ‘we don’t have much in common’ hobbies wise – as if a relationship end all and be all really has to do with hobbies (it doesn’t, right, at least it hasn’t been for me, so far?). Our texting conversations pale in comparison to our phone conversations – does that show a lack of connection? What if I’m not as physically attracted to him in person as I am from what I’ve seen in pictures? How much of an instant connection is there meant to be? With him, I didn’t leap for joy at the first site of his profile, is that immature or a sign that we’re not as good as we should be? Maybe it’s meant to take time as it is so far?

I don’t want my BPD to try to cut it off before it has a chance. I am resisting that so far but it is there. I am feeling emotions for him but the closer he gets, the more I can feel the worry and fear kicking in.