Ahem, I was saying. I have made the decision to start dating again. Not like tomorrow soon, but another month or 2 soon. I talked about it with my psych on Monday and we looked at the why’s and a little bit about how it used to go vs. how I want it to go now.
Some of it is because I think it’ll be a great chance to practice more of my skills I’ve picked up. I know I used some of my DBT skills in my last relationship and they worked well, helping me break up with very little self destructive or other-destructive behaviour. I treated myself well afterwards and my only regret was that I never told him how much the relationship meant to me and how great a person he truly is. My thoughts of him are very fleeting and rare now, compared to the times I thought of him everyday.
Another reason is, it helps me tackle my social anxiety. Now, there a lot of other ways to do that but first dates are one way. They force me out of my comfort zone bubble and get me talking. Once I’m over the nerves and the – I’m going to turn back the other way and go home RIGHT NOW – moment I always have just before I meet them, I’m OK and it’s usually fun, or funny, depending on how it went.
I want to be able to practice all that I’ve been learning about boundaries too, it’s interesting to me how I’ve been out in the world dating without them. I mean, I did relatively OK, but it feels like I’ve been walking around with no armour. Now, I’m hoping I will be able to set much clearer, firmer boundaries a lot earlier and keep myself safer and if I’m not feeling safe, I am hoping I will have insight to look into the problem areas and then speak up.
This is the first time I’ll be in therapy while starting the dating process too, so it feels reassuring to be in the process with my psychologist and it may well give us a lot more to work with. This ties into the fact that my BPD manifests the strongest in romantic relationships, my emotions are quadrupled too, so I feel like it’ll reveal a lot more to my psych and help me heal in a lot of ways.
My sponsor in the SLAA program is also going to help me make a ‘dating plan’ which makes me feel a lot safer. It’s like I’ll have a map to get me through the woods. I had to write ‘bottom lines’ in the program which are behaviours that are unacceptable to me and that I want to absolutely avoid (major no no – dating someone I don’t even like?!). Just having them written down means I have a clearer idea of what I do and don’t want to do when I start dating and when getting into a relationship. I can always call her when I’m stuck or in a really tricky situation too, so it feels nice to know I’m not going through it alone and can get guidance. Plus, I have you guys too who are all super supportive and wise 🙂 ❤
I’ve also been in recovery without major lapses for 16/17 months so I feel stable enough in my day to day as a single person. I want to push myself in recovery and see if I can add more relationships to my life through that.
The most obvious reason is obviously that I really do hope to find someone who is loving, gentle, patient and who can understand and care about me – BPD and all. I will tell anyone who I resonate with about my BPD, if they can’t accept that or support me with that, then it’s ta-ta.
My psychologist said it seems I have put some thought into it and that I seem sensible enough about it. He pointed out something to be wary of – which I am grateful he did. It was about not attracting a ‘certain type’ of person – the dyfunctional type. He said with borderline personality, I have a kind of ’emotional charge’ and so I look for the same in relationships. When I’m interacting with people I am looking for an emotional intensity to match my own, so regular, ‘nice’ guys can seem kind of boring in comparison. Since regular, healthy guys are living day – to – day normal lives without major emotional highs and lows, when I’m talking to them I don’t get that same ‘rush’ or excitement so, I don’t take it further. But, those who do have that kind of emotional intensity, usually have some kind of emotional problems of their own. I hadn’t thought about it before but I am definetly going to pay attention to it. That’s not to say that I didn’t like one or two guys who seemed ‘stable’ enough, it’s just that life happened and we didn’t take things further.
I did have an unfortunate experience exactly like this so I know he’s right – but I’ll make that another post!
I had a dream last night. I had re-married my ex-husband (not even if he was the last man on earth – Lord knows what got me to do that in my dream but hey, let’s roll with it). We slept in different beds for the wedding night and when I woke up I was asking him what he was up to. He was on his tablet, busy (something he did a lot). I kind of looked around, wondering what to do since he obviously wasn’t going to spend time with me ( a HUGE issue in our whole relationship ) bored and frustrated, I held my breath and realised he hadn’t changed at all and this is what it would be like, AGAIN. I sat alone, and noticed how he didn’t want to hold me either, nothing had changed there either. I felt hopeless and woke up.
I know the obvious meaning to this dream is that I’m afraid I’m going to find someone and end up in exactly the same position – feeling unloved, feeling like I’m with someone who doesn’t care or doesn’t want the same things as me. That I’ll be left on my own while he’s busy and I’ll be in that same hopeless position of wondering how I got here and feeling like it’s too late to get out (symbolised by the being ‘married again’ as opposed to dating which is a lot easier to leave). But I’m going to talk about it on Monday anyway because dreams have a lot more to them than the obvious, I’m sure he’ll reveal more to me. Better that it all comes out now than before I start dating.