So I FINALLY had my session today.
I find I’m a little frustrated with the whole thing. Sometimes, when I look at how weekly I have to budget and get through, slowly buying things for myself that I need (since after my time off work I’ve been a little tight) and then squeeze in therapy into the mix, I get annoyed with therapy and feel like quitting altogether, then I feel like I’m throwing away my safety net and get too scared to do that.
Other times, I feel desperate for therapy, that I know I’m not finished, that I need to keep going, talking about things that I don’t get to talk about in my day to day life. I have waited 4 long weeks to see him and now I feel like Im just going to be existing the whole week waiting for the next session (it’s always been this way with me whenever I’m in therapy). I’m already dreading working a whole week waiting for Saturday to come around. It’s like everything else is just a filler. I just want to talk and talk and talk and be analysed and find new things out and continue recovery. If I could lock him up for sessions all day and spend the nights in my pyjamas sleeping over in the waiting room, I would.
I came clean about the ‘eating disorder’ issue. And I guess since he used those words it is something I have at the moment. He said it might be part of my BPD since we struggle with self-identity, it may just be an ‘identity’ I am trying on for now.
He also told me part of my fear around men is likely that since I’ve been hurt in my past, anything that even remotely signals a possibility of sex/relationship, frightens me. I feel like this explains a lot since whenever I’m around gay men/someone I’m not attracted to I immediately relax and feel like I can ‘be myself’. Whereas, I blank anyone who I find attractive and/or have a stone cold face and try to avoid all kind of eye contact (haha).
I came clean about how I researched all about him and wanted to ‘annoy/test’ him in my first session. Sounds like I was trying to figure out whether he was ‘safe’ and since he’s a man this explains why I’ve never done that type of thing before as all my previous therapists have been female.
Other than that, I’ve decided I’m going to tell one of my work friend’s about my diagnosis when we meet up for lunch as I know she’s non-judgemental, kind and accepting of people, I feel like I can trust her. I realised my ‘strange’ feeling that I posted about a while ago was the discrepancy I felt between being so open on this blog and being so hush-hush in my ‘real life’, especially since everyone has been so supportive on here. If people I have never met can be so understanding and caring then why am I not letting the people who know me even have a chance to be there for me? I also feel like I’m adding to the stigma by acting as if it’s something ‘to hide’, I’m not ashamed, or at least, I want to fight any feelings of shame because mental illness is not something to be ashamed of. I didn’t ask for BPD, I didn’t ask for the things that happened to me to happen to me, it isn’t my fault, and I’ve done nothing wrong. So why should I feel like it’s ‘something bad?’.
Nothing’s wrong, I’m not in a crisis, I had a good day with my friend today and did some body art on her which I’m pretty proud of 🙂 I do still feel a little blah, I don’t really know what to do with the stretches of spare time when I’m on my own, but oh well.