Hello my dearest wordpressers. I have been awol for a little as I have been doing something I sort of lost along the way of my recovery – living. Sometime during this year’s crisis period I had a type of metamorphosis. Going to Spain and enjoying almost every moment of it cemented these ideas even more. Yes, stability is fun and all, but my method of stability left little room for me to be spontaneous, creative or to find what my ideal life would look like. I had touched on it in therapy with my psych but we didn’t get to truly uncover it as I would be talking about one guy or another and also trying to stop myself from drowning in the weight of my suicidality.
Stability for me meant working 5 days a week, going to my 9 – 5, going out with friends on the weekend and doing a little volunteering. Apart from some of the ups and downs that came along with dating, that was about all I was doing. Sounds great right? Not for me. Whilst this lifestyle suits a lot of people, there are also a lot of individuals this doesn’t suit. I just happen to be one of those.
I had initially booked the trip in a move to continue becoming more independent. It was a great idea as it did me a world of good. Getting to the airport, navigating language barriers, travelling to another city once I got into the country and budgeting my holiday as I didn’t have as much money for the trip as I had hoped (due to the time off from said crisis) really helped boost my self confidence. I truly felt like an independent, self sufficient woman at last. My BPD did not get in the way of becoming who I want to be. It never will.
The interesting thing was my response to my social anxiety. I was attracting a lot of attention in Spain as I kinda stood out. However, after a day or two of feeling out of sorts about it, I realised I could either let it ruin my time, or I could ignore them and continue on with all the fun I was having. I mean what else could I do? I couldn’t ask them to look away and I couldn’t yell at people for being so rude and glaring at me. Social anxiety didn’t get a chance. This has now translated into my life back in the UK. Sure, I could feel nervous and remain a quiet, withdrawn individual hoping nobody so much as glances at them and draw no attention OR I can pay them no mind and get on with the business of living. That is what I have decided to do. That’s not to say it’s magically disappeared – I still have my moments.
The other interesting thing is that I noticed my anxiety is a lot worse here in London. The trains and the commuting specifically. I feel caged on buses and trains and the struggle of avoiding arguments with other commuters and trying to put up with all manner of inconsiderate behaviours. I’m much happier when I’m in open, free places where I’m exposed to nature. I don’t mean going to somewhere with an occupation of 0% of the world’s population (although at times that is SO tempting), I just mean I want my surroundings to bring me some level of calm, not anxiety. I think there is a lot to be said that statistically the rate of BPD occurrence is higher in cities.
I did a mental brainstorm of what would happen if I stopped worrying about my plight of infringed singledom and more about my life as a whole. How would it look? What kind of people do I want in it? How would I be spending my time? Which movements do I want to be a part of? What kind of job would I have, where and how long would I work?
I have made, essentially, changes to all of those questions and all areas of my life. So far this has helped tremendously and I intend on continuing to do just that.
More on that in the next post as I have so much to say about it – just wanted to update. I hope you are all well and full of joy x