I have just realised I have put my DBT skills to epic use. I kind of salvaged something with new guy after he’d been busy from our first date, dropping frequency of texting me. I told him straight and tried not to panic at work, whatever the outcome, I’m done with bad relationships. I want something good and I will face all the rejection and pain in the world to make sure I don’t end up in something unhealthy or that doesn’t make me feel good/secure.
He upped his messaging since then. But then we had a break this morning and something just hasn’t felt right since we met. I couldn’t put my finger on it, maybe that he didn’t mention date 2, the ‘busy’ thing, when I’ve been super busy too. Hell, I went to my suicide prevention shift today after working 7 days straight and still had time to check my messages between conversations.
Maybe I felt impulsive, maybe my gut was screaming at me but I checked his profile. It’s changed. He’s dropped a picture and changed some of the content. Either way, sometime between us talking he’s gone ahead and carried on fishing, enough to change his profile. I’ve sat a little stunned, it’s been over 2 months. 2 months of me swooning over him. It’s been a while since I’ve liked someone from the moment I’ve met them, not having to convince myself.
I even didn’t call ex-love back when he asked me to to make sure I’d be loyal and honest to getting to know this person. Not that he would have crossed any boundaries, I just wanted to keep a distance. Dating is hard without BPD, dating with BPD is a whole other ballgame.
Stunned I had to think on the spot (literally 10 minutes ago) to not do something impulsive. I call my sister, a videocall, she can’t really talk but it gets me out of my head and in immediate social contact with someone. I message my friend, tell her what’s happened. She says sorry. I use DEAR MAN on a word doc (can’t believe I had some headspace to do that) and write how I’m going to confront him with it. I say I know I shouldn’t have checked but I did and that if he wasn’t interested he could have just said and I wouldn’t have minded at all.
I am on my time of the month and was already in a fragile state of mind out of physical exhaustion so I have cried a little. More out of the harshness of it all. I don’t need to force someone to talk to me. Really, it’s fine if you don’t feel a spark, it’s normal, it happens, just don’t go behind my back looking for more. This ended before it could begin.
I am currently listening to sad songs and wondering how I’m going to regulate enough in the next hour so that I can be OK at work tomorrow where I will be super swamped and most likely still in physical pain. BUT there has been no impulsive argument, self harming, breaking stuff, I’m actually using this as an outlet and it’s already helping.
Much love and I hope you are all well.