It’s funny when I think about BPD and it’s course over my lifetime, it’s like a lifelong companion, I feel it’s even matured with me as I have at this point. Just recently, I found an analogy that seemed to really resonate with me and helps me kind of visualise BPD in a way that allows me to really understand that whilst I live with BPD, I am NOT BPD. I am a person with BPD, it doesn’t have me, and the majority of the people in my life don’t know me as ‘BPD’ they know me as their sister, their daughter, their girlfriend, their friend….you get the idea. Of course, I rationally knew this a long time ago, but rational thought doesn’t have near enough impact on the psyche when you don’t feel what you logically know to be true, as true.
The analogy came to me while watching the series ‘Wheel of Time’ season 2 – (if you haven’t seen it and are into fantasy series it’s a solid 90% IMO!) in one of the episodes an otherwise good guy and loyal friend loses his sh** in a heated moment (SPOILER ALERT—-) but, since he’s also a werewolf, his rage leads him into triggering his ‘wolf’ self, he morphs and gets a bit cray cray. When the character calms down he switches back to his ‘normal/human’ self and he’s all good.
It helped me kind of stigmatise it less too, like I can just view it as my ‘wolf’ self you know? I have a wolf, and when it gets triggered I can get mad, I can get sad, I can be a bit erratic and need calming down, but is that all I am? No. Plus, calling it my ‘wolf’ self sounds a lot cooler than like ‘demon’ or my ‘personality’ (ick).
Being able to give it an identity that isn’t so shameful and almost sounds like a cool alterego (despite it being one that’s very self-sabotagey and hard to manage) also helps me respect it more, like it’ll always be an echo, a part of me, but I don’t need to give it all of my attention and focus all of the time, and I can still be clear-headed, loyal, funny, kind and all of the things I want to be, without the wolf constantly taking over.
I respect it, I acknowledge it’s presence, and I do me.
Thinking in Grey 