So I have reached my 18 months into recovery. I have made some changes which I hope will help me in the long-run. First, I decided to change to fortnightly sessions, it was kinda weird going in and being told that I need to do more fun and exciting things in my life but then not having the money to do that because it was going on therapy to be told to do those things. Plus, I’m thankfully at a stage where for the most part, I’m okay enough to wait 2 weeks. I’m not emotionally as upset or hurt that I need to go in every week to dispel the emotions. I actually had the weirdest experience on Monday of not wanting to go into session. For me, that is a first time ever thing. I always want to go to therapy, I start looking forward to it the day, if not, days before. But this time, I kept forgetting, I took ages to get ready, grumbling about it. I fessed up in session and we kind of explored what that may mean to me (typical eh). It came out that perhaps I do one day see myself as not needing therapy anymore. That I would be managing life and living life in a way where I would be free of it. A while ago, that felt like a far off dream but now, while it still feels like something out of reach, it doesn’t feel as impossible. It feels like, with a little more work, with the right people and situations, I just might be able to have a stable ‘normal’ life.
It was interesting though, I don’t know if he was challenging me or not but he asked me what I would feel if I was ‘normal’ what that would mean to me. It was really difficult to answer. If I was normal? Just going into work and living a life of norms without my emotional ups and downs and view point? A harsh truth I realised was, it would feel boring. I don’t know if it’s the emptiness feeding that that I’ve always felt, or whether I truly find daily life not stimulating enough, but, maybe having these emotional ups and downs is serving that purpose? Making things interesting in it’s own warped way? Colouring my days with emotions? I also realised that I don’t feel normal which he said was perhaps the most important thing. That whether I am normal or not doesn’t really matter either way because it’s not what I truly feel inside and it’s true. When I’m at work, I feel the social anxiety, when I’m with friends I can feel that I only need so much interaction, dislike random messages or being told to call, I feel anger simmering at comments from family, or being around people I don’t like, and so many other little things.
I am at a strange mid-way point I realise in recovery. My therapist even acknowledged that I am at a stage where I’m practically and emotionally handling daily life, starting to look at my future but then that BPD or acknowledging whatever this ‘thing’ is, is provides me with a useful framework to understand the things that I struggle with and helps me to work on them. I agree with that and it is helpful, if I kept ignoring it and tried to be ‘normal’ like I have done over and over in my life, it eventually leads to sabotage in some way or another and I was left picking up pieces all over again. So I know I can’t totally forget about it. He did remind me that BPD isn’t all of me. I know that on some level, but some days or moments it does sure feel like it.
I’m also wondering how useful living at home really is for me, I feel like my family dynamics do hinder me in some way and always have. The little things, like my sister and her desire to ignore me in interactions whenever she wants. Or, like earlier today, my sister and mum have gone to babysit my niece and didn’t ask me if I want to go along, I notice these things, but I just don’t react. I said I want to go but they still left without me. The bigger thing is, still seeing my dad around, having someone who you don’t like visit weekly is still tough. It’s like home isn’t a complete sanctuary for me, because it is still riddled with dysfunction. I long for a home where I feel at home and at peace. Not triggered. I haven’t had that sadly, ever.
In my romance line up! Someone I had been talking to all along for about 4 weeks now between these guys, Ben? had shared his number and we clicked on the phone right away, we talked til about 1am on the weekend. And he lets me spam him with messages without making me feel ‘needy’ or ‘weird’ or like I have to ‘play it cool’. He told me he’s serious about getting to know me, that he’s not talking to anyone else because it makes him feel like he’s cheating on me (haha so cute) and he always says sorry if he has been too busy to get back to me soon enough. So I know he is a really good guy at heart.
I got a bit of a telling off from my psych when I showed up tired on Monday because I had stayed up chatting. He said ‘you’re already not taking care of yourself’. Damn, he’s so right. I wasn’t taking care of myself, but I am back on it and sleep when I need to, I don’t stay up messaging if he’s still up and I don’t get upset if he can’t call me, which has been most nights.
He told me with BPD, it can be like other disorders like Bipolar where you need to regulate even the happy, exciting emotions because what I want is a healthy stability. *Sigh* kind of sucks that even those times needs to be simmered down, but I have to think long-term, not short-term.
Ben’s already suggested meeting up about a week ago, which I’m nervous as hell about. I’ve done it before obviously, but this time I’m going to explain that I have social anxiety because guys have read it wrong that I don’t like them, or that I’m always that reserved and I don’t want that kind of message being sent across. Plus, I want him to know about my MH issues in some way or another. I want a relationship based on the truth about who I am and what I can be like, so that he can choose not to be in it, and I can make sure I have someone supportive. The only thing I’m not sure about is, how attracted I am to him physically? I mean it’s not so important I know and I have reached a stage where I’ve spoken to so many attractive guys that sucked lol, outward beauty doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have a fun, caring personality so I dunno. I don’t want to blow a good thing by being shallow, but I also want to be really into that person if that makes sense. Without attraction you’d just be friends right? It’s kind of daunting because in person people can look so different. Plus, I feel like my hopes would be dashed at this stage if we’re not attracted to eachother then. I may take a break if it doesn’t work out because I’ve talked to about 4 guys in 1 month and relaying the same questions and talking about your life again and again can get tiring in a way. I need to make sure I’m centered. But for now, he does make me laugh and makes me happy even in his own little way of messaging me all day. I do thrive off of that, I know.
I hope you are all doing well too!