I feel so weak. My back hurts and I get faint every time I get up from the bed, I keep forgetting so everytime I stand I have to hold onto the closest thing next to me, sometimes my mum, other times the door handle. I’ve been trying to put weight on again because the stress has caused me to lose a stone. I’m 7 stone again, the weight when my anorexia was in full play. This time it wasn’t intentional but now I’m having a hard time putting it on again. I don’t know if I want to be anorexic again, I’m not counting calories but I just don’t want to eat. I feel like sh**. I’ve taken the week off work.
Went to the GP yesterday he’s getting me sent to have full bloods done of basically everything, he asked me if I’m exhausted all the time to which I said yes. I really am. I managed not to have codeine yesterday because I’m trying to stop but just had my ‘last’ dose again before writing this. (I say ‘last’ because it’s so accessible for me) I feel like crap though because it’s actually for my mum who genuinely needs it. When did I get to selfish? I’m scared that on top of mental stress, poor physical health, I’m also going to have to start getting support for opiate addiction…just another issue to deal with.
It’s sunny but I’ve drawn the curtains, all I do is lay in bed in the dark, switching between facebook and watching Dr Phil and self pitying posts about how crap I feel. I don’t understand how I got here, this wasn’t the plan for 2018. I just want my friend back.
So the back story – around the time of my unexplained panic attacks I connected with someone on FB, in a BPD group. He had cool lyrics and poems and we started messaging. He quickly became my FP, but for the first time, I was his FP too. To say our friendship became intense fast is an understatement. The catch? Because there is always one….He’s married. His wife hates me, of course. I don’t even care about getting in between. I don’t want a relationship with him, I even asked her on the phone if I could be his friend with her permission and she said no. It doesn’t help that their marriage is on the rocks for years, and they constantly fight. She told me to just leave her family alone. I wish I could. An FP is so inexplicable. I bonded so quickly. It was just so nice to talk to someone who doesn’t mind your clingy, overbearingness, understands it. In a short time, he has been my friend through some of the worst things I’ve been through, depression, panic attacks, losing my old fp, experienced my BPD split on him where I blocked him, suspected him of being a narcissist (I have since realised he isn’t), and he’s still been my friend.
I’ve posted self pitying posts online about how bad I feel. I’ve had mean posts from women telling me im basically a whore for talking to a married man. Which hurt even more, to the point I was close to self harming. I get it, I mean I don’t know how I’d feel if I was her. But really, I just want my friend back. I miss talking about medications, bpd mood swings, talking to someone on ‘this side’ of BPD. All my friends don’t have BPD, they can only empathise with me. His BPD manifests very much like mine. We limited our chats, so that when he went home from work she’d have all his time. Didn’t work. She basically made him choose her or me, as if there ever was a choice I mean he’s married to her for God’s sake, how much more of a choice is that? When I had him as my FP I felt like there was ‘one person’ in the world who understands me, gets it. When I would be close to panic attacks on the train I would text him and be able to avoid it escalating. I just feel so lost. I don’t know how my life reduced to being affected by whether one person is talking to me or not. I’ve been in my room in the dark for days. My mums trying to get me to eat, all I want to do is cry. She came in my room this morning and said ‘I want breakfast, I’ll have some if you have some’ how sweet, it didn’t work. I’ve forced myself to have lunch.
I feel guilty for taking time off work. We’re in a busy period and I was meant to be there to support, I have a lot of responsibility and workload because I work so well when I’m there. But when my mental health kicks my ass like it is now, I totally let them down. They probably think I’m irresponsible.
I’ve had a couple of weeks off therapy because I couldn’t afford it and I’m scared to tell my psych how low I’ve gotten. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was go to my messenger to see if he’s messaged me until the sinking realisation dawns on me that we’re not talking anymore. What hurts the most is that I didn’t even get to say goodbye, he just said he couldn’t take it anymore and blocked me. They kept fighting about me at home. I kept telling them not to. I just wanted to say goodbye as painful as it would be but I didn’t even get that. I don’t know how he’s coping because I know he gets affected by losing an FP too. I hate her for doing that to him. I don’t think im a whore… I’m not trying to be one, I was even thinking about talking to him through her account so she could see all our messages and feel included but I don’t think she’ll even accept that.
I’ve had a hard time trusting someone to date again but now I feel scared to even get attached to friends. After ex-love blanked me and didn’t really explain he didn’t want to talk anymore either, this random ‘disappearing’ act seems to be a common theme for people in my life. I think I’m just not good at choosing trustworthy people? My FP told me ‘no matter what’ he would always want a friendship with me because he’s also attached to me. I keep thinking ‘how could you do this?’ he knows how fragile a place I’m in right now.
I reactivated my old FB from when I was 21. I scroll down, I didn’t realise I was so popular compared to now. I have messages, plans, outings, every weekend. Friends messaging me, my ex messaging me, people asking if I’m single for everyone to see on the page. I look at my life today and the contrast is so dramatic. I ignore whatsapp messages, my friends have been messaging me, I am trying to get back to them but they have no idea the state I’m in at the moment.
I’m avoiding all responsibility at home and in my life. I spent some time with my sister and neice yesterday they came round and it was fun, but I kept retreating to my room. All I want to do is hibernate. I’m going to see this high through and then try to spiritually, mentally and physically heal. I know it’s going to take time I’m not even sure if a week is enough. I’m starting to wonder whether I need next week off as well but I’m worried I’ll get fired if I do. How did I get here?