borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health

How the f*** did I get here.

I feel so weak. My back hurts and I get faint every time I get up from the bed, I keep forgetting so everytime I stand I have to hold onto the closest thing next to me, sometimes my mum, other times the door handle. I’ve been trying to put weight on again because the stress has caused me to lose a stone. I’m 7 stone again, the weight when my anorexia was in full play. This time it wasn’t intentional but now I’m having a hard time putting it on again. I don’t know if I want to be anorexic again, I’m not counting calories but I just don’t want to eat. I feel like sh**. I’ve taken the week off work.

Went to the GP yesterday he’s getting me sent to have full bloods done of basically everything, he asked me if I’m exhausted all the time to which I said yes. I really am. I managed not to have codeine yesterday because I’m trying to stop but just had my ‘last’ dose again before writing this. (I say ‘last’ because it’s so accessible for me) I feel like crap though because it’s actually for my mum who genuinely needs it. When did I get to selfish? I’m scared that on top of mental stress, poor physical health, I’m also going to have to start getting support for opiate addiction…just another issue to deal with.

It’s sunny but I’ve drawn the curtains, all I do is lay in bed in the dark, switching between facebook and watching Dr Phil and self pitying posts about how crap I feel. I don’t understand how I got here, this wasn’t the plan for 2018. I just want my friend back.

So the back story – around the time of my unexplained panic attacks I connected with someone on FB, in a BPD group. He had cool lyrics and poems and we started messaging. He quickly became my FP, but for the first time, I was his FP too. To say our friendship became intense fast is an understatement. The catch? Because there is always one….He’s married. His wife hates me, of course. I don’t even care about getting in between. I don’t want a relationship with him, I even asked her on the phone if I could be his friend with her permission and she said no. It doesn’t help that their marriage is on the rocks for years, and they constantly fight. She told me to just leave her family alone. I wish I could. An FP is so inexplicable. I bonded so quickly. It was just so nice to talk to someone who doesn’t mind your clingy, overbearingness, understands it. In a short time, he has been my friend through some of the worst things I’ve been through, depression, panic attacks, losing my old fp, experienced my BPD split on him where I blocked him, suspected him of being a narcissist (I have since realised he isn’t), and he’s still been my friend.

I’ve posted self pitying posts online about how bad I feel. I’ve had mean posts from women telling me im basically a whore for talking to a married man. Which hurt even more, to the point I was close to self harming. I get it, I mean I don’t know how I’d feel if I was her. But really, I just want my friend back. I miss talking about medications, bpd mood swings, talking to someone on ‘this side’ of BPD. All my friends don’t have BPD, they can only empathise with me. His BPD manifests very much like mine. We limited our chats, so that when he went home from work she’d have all his time. Didn’t work. She basically made him choose her or me, as if there ever was a choice I mean he’s married to her for God’s sake, how much more of a choice is that? When I had him as my FP I felt like there was ‘one person’ in the world who understands me, gets it. When I would be close to panic attacks on the train I would text him and be able to avoid it escalating. I just feel so lost. I don’t know how my life reduced to being affected by whether one person is talking to me or not. I’ve been in my room in the dark for days. My mums trying to get me to eat, all I want to do is cry. She came in my room this morning and said ‘I want breakfast, I’ll have some if you have some’ how sweet, it didn’t work. I’ve forced myself to have lunch.

I feel guilty for taking time off work. We’re in a busy period and I was meant to be there to support, I have a lot of responsibility and workload because I work so well when I’m there. But when my mental health kicks my ass like it is now, I totally let them down. They probably think I’m irresponsible.

I’ve had a couple of weeks off therapy because I couldn’t afford it and I’m scared to tell my psych how low I’ve gotten. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was go to my messenger to see if he’s messaged me until the sinking realisation dawns on me that we’re not talking anymore. What hurts the most is that I didn’t even get to say goodbye, he just said he couldn’t take it anymore and blocked me. They kept fighting about me at home. I kept telling them not to. I just wanted to say goodbye as painful as it would be but I didn’t even get that. I don’t know how he’s coping because I know he gets affected by losing an FP too. I hate her for doing that to him. I don’t think im a whore… I’m not trying to be one, I was even thinking about talking to him through her account so she could see all our messages and feel included but I don’t think she’ll even accept that.

I’ve had a hard time trusting someone to date again but now I feel scared to even get attached to friends. After ex-love blanked me and didn’t really explain he didn’t want to talk anymore either, this random ‘disappearing’ act seems to be a common theme for people in my life. I think I’m just not good at choosing trustworthy people? My FP told me ‘no matter what’ he would always want a friendship with me because he’s also attached to me. I keep thinking ‘how could you do this?’ he knows how fragile a place I’m in right now.

I reactivated my old FB from when I was 21. I scroll down, I didn’t realise I was so popular compared to now. I have messages, plans, outings, every weekend. Friends messaging me, my ex messaging me, people asking if I’m single for everyone to see on the page. I look at my life today and the contrast is so dramatic. I ignore whatsapp messages, my friends have been messaging me, I am trying to get back to them but they have no idea the state I’m in at the moment.

I’m avoiding all responsibility at home and in my life. I spent some time with my sister and neice yesterday they came round and it was fun, but I kept retreating to my room. All I want to do is hibernate. I’m going to see this high through and then try to spiritually, mentally and physically heal. I know it’s going to take time I’m not even sure if a week is enough. I’m starting to wonder whether I need next week off as well but I’m worried I’ll get fired if I do. How did I get here?

 

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mental health · poetry

180

30

60

90

two

four more.

White gold was always my favourite. Something I’m choosing to adore, it beats being the whore. You know, the kind that they always accused me of being. He didn’t know my worth so I found something else. To replace you. It loves me back. I always feel good when I take you.

Into me.

It was a leap of faith, sure, or impulsivity, does it really matter which one it was? I’m here now with you again, in bed. I’m warm. I’m always calm when you’re here. Feels like all my tension slips away. My mind’s clear, or a little …up there, at least, it is for a while.

Anyway, let’s not talk about when this moment ends. I want to stay here for now. You know I’ll come back for more. I promised myself I wouldn’t –  ‘this is the last time’ I declare. Took me two days and I reach out for you again. You’re always so dependable. You don’t know what you do to me, but I do. You’re my escape. My dirty little secret. I can’t introduce you to my family just yet, they won’t understand. Let’s just keep this between us for now. I know this is toxic, I know I’m dependant but what am I to do? I don’t want to get help. I try not to think about you during the day. I want to keep you out of my mind. But when the days winding up to close, I know you’re coming round. I pick you up and you spend time with me. See, you spend time with me whenever I want, I never have to ask twice. It can be too much at times but I always was

too much.

I know this is and I’m in over my head but let’s just see where this thing goes…I know where it goes, it’s going to end in my destruction but I’m a girl who loves flirting with death. Self sabotage queen, you give me what I need to do just that. You fulfill me, take me away to places where I can actually dream. Codeine, how did we get here?

 

borderline personality disorder · mental health

Exhaustion

Did my stupid codeine tonight, last of my batch. I’m meant to ‘enjoy it’ because of that reason but at the moment I’m not. I’m not even sure if I’ve gone and built a tolerance to this dose. I think it’s kicking in though because I’m struggling to post.

i managed not to have any yesterday because it’s not feeling the way it first did and the fog of the crisis is cleared. I’ve even patched up with the person I was having a fallout with and we’re OK at the moment. I felt OK this evening except for the fact that my body feels so drained all the time I want to cry from the exhaustion. Gone are my ‘asleep by 10:30 up at 7:30’ days. Sleep is patchy. I’ve had nightmares every night. All to do with evil in various forms. The worst is when I wake at 2:59 or sometimes dead on 3:00am. Witching hour they call it. The moment I’m about to fall unconscious I hear a dog bark and I wake again. Or voices. Starting off at a normal tone and suddenly turning loud, startling me. Sometimes it talks directly to me, other times it’s a random part of a conversation made up by my imagination – or so, I hope.  The sounds used to frighten me, because they sound external, as if the dog is somewhere in the room or right by me. Now they’re annoying and worrying as it only happens when I’m having a flare up of whatever-the-fuck-this-is.

I had a moment this evening where I realised the dust from all the recent changes is settling. My sisters wedding celebrations are over, my room is transformed, ex-love is blocked out of my life and I have a new friend who i speak to everyday, who’s heard me at my BPD worst (even though he admits it was his fault) and has decided to stick around. It’s rare for someone to give you company when all you do is work and come home and feel like sh**, doesn’t make for the most entertaining conversation material. I dare to hope that he will be my friend for a long time. Admittedly in true bpd fashion, he was promoted to FP very early on in our communications, though he doesn’t seem to mind.

I’m so used to detaching this part of my life in my interactions with others, I see now that even with my friends who know about my diagnosis, they only get brief descriptions and then i endeavour to remain my ‘happy’ self (or an attempt) for as long as I can muster.

i’m aware that this all sounds terribly self pitying but I assure you this is my current state. Perhaps it’s just the residue of the recent storms and I hope it fades down. My new ‘normal’ is so different to what it was just a month ago. I hope I adjust.

I’m still going in late to work; waking at around 9/10am and I still don’t feel I have enough sleep. I barely manage to leave the house, battling the ache I feel to call in sick. I’m dreading tomorrow already as I have to be in before 10am for a meeting. We have a deadline for Monday so work has been super busy, I’ve managed to perform well I think, but I pay for it when I get home.

i’m going to get my bloods done soon because I can’t make sense of why I’m so shattered. My mum has been amazing as she solely takes care of the house and except for weekends when I feel I can – I have barely helped out. She’s noticed I spend all my time in bed, I just can’t quite seem to focus on anything else.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my ramblings. Recently more than ever it has meant a lot to me that you care to read about my thoughts and feelings and are always so supportive. I hope if you are struggling that you know I too will try my best to be there for you and say a prayer for you to feel some joy too.

Love, a x

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health · suicide · Uncategorized

Codeine, Samaritans & a Tapestry.

I feel like a fairy who has had her wings plucked. Someone who wants nothing but to care  and be cared for in return but is hurt and used instead. What is the toxic situation that has sent me spinning as of late? I will write on it more later as I have more than enough material but it so transpires that I got caught up unwittingly by another narcissist and triangulated with his ‘separated’ wife in the bizarrest way. A couple of weeks in, I’m on the phone with her stopping her from a suicide attempt and in her words: ‘If you hadn’t of talked me down I don’t know what would have happened just now..’ she no longer sees me as a saint but, more on that later.

my heart is in physical pain where I feel the world is out to spite me. I’m an empath, of this by now I know -apparently empaths attract narcissists and that was the last thing I needed right now. You see, as part of my recovery i kept reasoning that if I remain stable long enough (as I have done for 2 years) eventually, good things will come my way as that’s just life, just as good things have surprised my friends and sisters, good things will come. Instead, I feel challenge after challenge and I’m sick of pushing my way through, of recovery, of ‘being strong’. Anything to do with ‘being strong’ of ‘you can get through this’ sickens me, I hate those cliche phrases now, designed to keep us trudging along, the pain nontheless, still there.

This was the last challenge I needed. It hurts the most because all I did was show genuine concern and care for another human being and I was shot down, unceremoniously for it with the words ‘I know sorry doesn’t mean much for you at this point’. Why Thank you. Thank you for that.

I am left reeling I will not lie. I am still taking codeine in the evenings. I had written up a draft post 2 days ago but had to stop mid-way because I was so high I couldn’t type anymore. Saturday was spent laying in bed with my room locked, high all day.

I finally showered this morning after 5 days, I never do that, even at my most depressed the bath is the place I usually go to seek isolation and to cry as the water washes over me. This tells me how bad I am at the moment.

I called Samaritans on the weekend because I still wasn’t feeling good and self harm was flashing across my mind. I talked out the situation for an hour on the phone and it did stop the urge to do it. I’m trying to eat more because I’ve dropped back to an unhealthy weight again. My late arrivals to work meant I got criticised for it this morning- the last thing I needed as I’m so sensitive to it. I hid in the cubicle smoking my ecig for about 5 minutes to recover.

that’s another thing, I purchased another vape, back on that constantly now too.

I’m trying to get to some kind of normal, I decorated my room and brought this beautiful tapestry on the weekend (do you like it??). This evening my glass dresser which only just got fixed and returned yesterday has already cracked in one spot and now I’m trying not to burst into tears. I’ve taken codeine but I can’t yet feel a high.

At the moment I am a walking zombie, avoiding as much human interaction as possible. I am not on whatsapp, avoiding my work friend, I don’t want to make plans with friends. I just want everything to stop. I want time to pause so i can just waste away for a while, everything feels like effort.

 

borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health · suicide · Uncategorized

Going inpatient.

Baking high in the sun at the moment. Been high all day. I feel amazing and suicidally miserable at the same time. Going to do something I haven’t done before, ever. I’ve never rolled up to emergency services or walk-ins for my mental health. Never had near suicide attempts landing me in hospital. Contrary to what people like to say about those with bpd, ‘drama queens’, ‘attention seekers’ I don’t go because I’m mortified by the idea of receiving attention because of a suicide attempt. Not that I think others should feel that way but obvi, I have different standards for myself.

I called Maytree this morning after I had thoughts about asking my mum to come in and take everything she wants from my stuff. I reasoned I won’t be needing anything any longer so they can do what they want with it. Alarm bell 1. Alarm bell 2 – I started writing a letter for them to explain why I did what I did (candy for the person who guesses it right!). I started on it to vent. I mean, I never do that so I still don’t know how much of a warning sign it is. Either way, I thought I should let them know just in case.

we spoke for like an hour about what’s going on. In short, I’m giving myself too deep and too often to people who can’t do the same back. I’m still in the situation so I don’t really want to talk about it yet. I’ve mended things as much as I can but I still feel vulnerable and alone.

I’m better than this morning. I’m going to try to get my shit together in some kind of way. I’m still coping via pills for now but hopefully over the coming few days I can stop.

i told mum I’ll be going away for a short stay in central london so that’s already on the way.

Enjoy the rest of your day dudes.

borderline personality disorder · bpd · suicide · Uncategorized

Trigger post.

dont read the whole thing if you’re feeling low right now.

sorry if my post doesnt make sense as I write. I’m high on pills I won’t name. Don’t ask me how I got here, I’m not entirely sure. Ive been trying to find textlines for suicide prevention (sorry if there’s typos I’m struggling to type). Funny how you can’t find something when you need it. I don’t want to call because I don’t want to cry more than I an right now. I don’t want to jabber on at some stranger about my feelings.

I was really tempted to self harm I still am Im not going to lie. I don’t understand what the point of keeping a self harm free streak is doing for me. I’m still in pain. I used a nail filer instead so it kind of scratched and gave a scratchy sensation but left no marks. For all you regular self harmers out there trying to quit I would highly suggest it.

I don’t know if I have the energy right now to type out why or how I got like this, I’m sure I will discuss it soon. Needless to say, the situation brought forth my bpd in all it’s glory. I feel like the world is living on a different plane to me. They talk, relate, experience, all in a different parralel dimension, while I stay on the other side, always trying to fit in but never quite making it.

I’m going to keep typing because it’s distracting my brain from the other shennanigans its coming up with. I’m sorry if this blog is appaling. I’ll come back with some poetry. Truly I’ve handled a situation like this several times over the past 2 years but for some reason I’m finding it harder right now. I was considering going to Maytree where you can do a one-off short stay if you’re feeling suicidal here in the UK but funnily enough I am helping others on Sunday and I want to be there for them. I can’t cancel on them because I’m feeling the same. I feel responsible for them. I’m going to stick it through until then. To be honest, my mind is just wondering to getting higher. I know I’m gone atm. If I’m not better by Sunday after my shift. I’ll go in for a stay. My psych doesn’t do a crisis service so I can’t even contact him and I’m physically unwell, I don’t want to go A&E.

mums in the other room she has no idea. I’m in my room on my bed. I feel like a shell. I feel literally dead inside. It was almost comical. I was brushing my teeth earlier when I wanted to die? How weird is that? Talk about contrast. My arms felt weak just holding the brush. I mean who gives a fuck about teeth when you don’t want to be here at all? Self care is weird.

i don’t feel blogging will help more than this so I’ll keep it there.

I hope you are all doing way betterx