borderline personality disorder · dating · mental health · Uncategorized

Shit got real.

He didn’t want to take it further. He sent the message while I was at work, as a reply to me saying I wanted to see him again (ouch). One of the reasons being ‘potential problems with my hypersensitivity and the way he knows he can be and his personality.’ Ahh…there it is the personality related one. There were other things too. Most of which could be worked around…he obviously didn’t want to work around them, things like living situation and my studying for my career plans etc. It is what it is.

One of them I may make a post about as it’s something not encountered just by talking to him, but a number of times in my life and something that I just need to rant about.

He was taking a while to reply as I’d asked him in the morning and he didn’t get back til later in the afternoon. See BPD brain and my clingyness issues and insecurities can make me panic when my other half doesn’t reply back quick enough but sometimes, I don’t think it’s that at all. Times like this make me feel like 1) I was right to panic which makes it worse in future situations because I remember these situations 2) It probably wasn’t irrational anxiety, maybe it was my gut instinct telling me something was up.

I mean it sounded like we would both have had to compromise a lot of things, but then aren’t a lot of relationships like that? I’m just a bit sick of the search too. It does hurt, and it hurts because since yesterday I was starting to warm up and feel comfortable and looking forward to seeing him. It’s just typical bad timing. I left work early after crying in the bathroom because yesterdays news was still on my mind as it was and I just didn’t have the energy to fake around my work friends compared to this morning where work was a welcome distraction and potentially seeing him was something to look forward to as well. 

Romantic relationships are the arena where my BPD kicks in the hardest, not really friendships, family or even work so at the moment I’m finding it super hard to take care of myself. What I really want to do is dance it out on stage in some smokey ass club, with a whole lot of tequila in my system. But neither of those things would happen because I don’t do either of things anymore. Or alternatively, self-harm it away. But I’ve had a long streak of not doing that anymore either (coming onto 19 months). I’m just going to try to get through the weekend..I have therapy on Monday so I hope I can see some sense then. I hope my psychologist has some more magic phrases and logic that will help me think it all away.

FFS.

 

 

 

 

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borderline personality disorder · dating · mental health

Well, that sucked.

Cue another sucky thing about bpd brain is the ability to take everything personally. I had an interview today and it was in the mental health field which as you all know I have been wanting to get into for a long time. Anddd the interview was awkward as hell. It’s not a therapy role which is obviously what I want but it would be supporting psychiatrists etc. so it was still a move in the right direction.

The whole thing was just awkward from start to finish. One of the ladies actually made a blunt and rude statement in answer to my question (kind of making me look stupid when my question was pretty reasonable). But, because she said it in a normal tone it was kind of brushed off and I couldn’t say much because I’m in an interview. In my head I’m thinking pshhh woman if we weren’t in this situation would you have got a piece of my mind for that. I think she was mad because I didn’t ask her questions (she actually will not be my boss or even working within the same team as me so why she was there was beyond me).

It’s hard after the interview not to blame myself or feel bad about myself. In reality it’s just a question of whether or not you are suited for the role and the role is suited for you, and if you don’t get it there are a 100 other jobs you would be great at. I know all of that, and I would always encourage people to keep going for interviews and try and the main thing was that I made the effort to go. Sucked up the nerves, put myself out there, that type of thing. But, it still doesn’t take away from that feeling and the sinking feeling once you’ve left. My sleep has been erratic, nightmares, waking up at 4am for no good reason, so I am exhausted and need a lot of TLC today.

My self harming instinct wanted me to wallow and feel crap and berate myself but I tried to do something to cheer myself up. Went shopping, kinda too broke to get much and I was just grumpy. Got a lot of junk and engaged in binge eating while sitting with my family, got some bad family news. I’m just trying to block it out because it is actually too upsetting. And now at the time of writing this, Ben and me are going through something that may be a dealbreaker. His dependance on his older sister to ‘OK’ someone before he takes things further and in the future before he introduces to his parents, etc. I’m not about that. I’m feeling YOU out, not your sister. Kind of a turn off and I’m awaiting his reply as I said I’m not taking this further if that is an essential requirement for him.

So I’m dreading what he replies as this will be enough to make me jump ship and then by the end of today I would have had massive bad news, a crappy interview and be back to single and looking all by 3pm.

Trying hard not to pity myself, but when crappy things happen, why do they all happen together?

borderline personality disorder · dating · sex and love addiction

Dates and Dates and Nookie

Well everyone, it appears I have acquired a boyfriend.

Ben and me met last week and kept talking after. I could tell he was taken with me from the start of our date, it was too obvious haha.  I was reserved and shy to the point I didn’t get up to get food at the restaurant because I felt too nervous about people watching me. I had chosen a restaurant that I thought would be in a quieter area but then I picked Friday evening… and it was pretty busy. I had to shrug it off and play it cool, though I will not be going there with him again any time soon, at least until I feel less nervous. So, if anyone reading this is wondering how to get out there and date when you have social anxiety or just get super nervous – I would definetly recommend telling them beforehand. Me and Ben spoke on the phone the night before and I explained I can be really nervous and not to take it personally, It’s just how I can be and it’s not ‘me’ once you get to know me better. He said in that case, I could take all the time I need and we can talk on the phone as many times as I felt comfortable to, to make it easier (what a gent right?). Somehow saying that just made it so much easier to want to meet and once I was there, I felt so much better for it. 

I still feel hesitant about us mainly because I’ve just been burned too many damn times, but this also includes him looks-wise. His personality and his demeanour is not my usual ‘type’ but then look where the usual type got me (hint: not far). He is a super geek which is so cute and refreshing from the ‘cool collected bad boy’ style (I know these are super generalisations but just bare with me, I’m just trying to make a point).                                   I am giving the looks thing some time because my friend made a good point of how it may just be the nerves and being self conscious and just ‘adjusting’ to a new person and the concept that they may become a partner. You’re kind of scoping them out I guess which is a lot of pressure. Plus, I wasn’t taken with my ex for the first 2 dates including almost calling it quits after the second, until the third and BAM, maybe I had finally relaxed but after that he became the most handsome person in the world to me. I am definetly over going for shallow situations or shallow attraction over what could be something serious and really based on knowing the person for who they are so I am going to give it a little longer before making any rash decisions based on that alone.

I just have two issues at the moment 1) even though I’ve told him that I struggle with my emotions, can feel down without any obvious ‘event’ causing it, that I can be sensitive and struggle with conflict etc. I still haven’t spelt out BPD. I know I have lots of time for that because I want to take this slow but when things are going well like this, I feel this dread of ‘you have no idea how I can be/what you’re getting into/what the heck is really up’ like BPD is lurking in the back of my brain and he’s just unsuspecting at the moment. It sounds pretty effed up now that I’m typing this, but then effed up is a pretty accurate account IMO.

2) Holding out for nookie time. Is this even a phrase? If it’s not, I made it up and it’s my blog so I can do that. This is where my BPD impulsivity, SLAA addiction and the joys of a new relationship are tumbling together to try to eff this up. I want to not sleep with him or anything in the lead up to it, early at all. But, I also really want to early on because the natural high of seeing someone, getting attention, emotional security, finally feels like it’s the perfect chance for release. Coupled with impulsivity means it’s harder to think long-term and remember it may not be the best idea to rush it. Poor boundaries, a little bit of coaxing and well..you can probably tell how it plays out. Only, I really really don’t want it to go down that way, At all. The funny thing is, I’m not worried about him! I’m worried about ME. It is much more likely to be me out of us 2 because I’m well..more experienced. At the moment I’m just keeping as shtum as possible and hoping this gets better with time….

 

 

 

mental health · poetry

The Time I loved you.

They call you black sheep,

I find you striking.

They say you’re selfish,

But I know you’re hurting.

Emotionally unstable,

I find you vivacious.

3am message to tell me you feel like you’re falling apart

But all I see is how you hold it together.

If you’d let me I’d help you stitch it altogether.

Chaos in your path

Yet I’m still here.

“You’re beautiful inside and out”,

I wish I could whisper in your ear.

 

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · dating · mental health

18 Months in.

So I have reached my 18 months into recovery. I have made some changes which I hope will help me in the long-run. First, I decided to change to fortnightly sessions, it was kinda weird going in and being told that I need to do more fun and exciting things in my life but then not having the money to do that because it was going on therapy to be told to do those things. Plus, I’m thankfully at a stage where for the most part, I’m okay enough to wait 2 weeks. I’m not emotionally as upset or hurt that I need to go in every week to dispel the emotions. I actually had the weirdest experience on Monday of not wanting to go into session. For me, that is a first time ever thing. I always want to go to therapy, I start looking forward to it the day, if not, days before. But this time, I kept forgetting, I took ages to get ready, grumbling about it. I fessed up in session and we kind of explored what that may mean to me (typical eh). It came out that perhaps I do one day see myself as not needing therapy anymore. That I would be managing life and living life in a way where I would be free of it. A while ago, that felt like a far off dream but now, while it still feels like something out of reach, it doesn’t feel as impossible. It feels like, with a little more work, with the right people and situations, I just might be able to have a stable ‘normal’ life.

It was interesting though, I don’t know if he was challenging me or not but he asked me what I would feel if I was ‘normal’ what that would mean to me. It was really difficult to answer. If I was normal? Just going into work and living a life of norms without my emotional ups and downs and view point? A harsh truth I realised was, it would feel boring. I don’t know if it’s the emptiness feeding that that I’ve always felt, or whether I truly find daily life not stimulating enough, but, maybe having these emotional ups and downs is serving that purpose? Making things interesting in it’s own warped way? Colouring my days with emotions? I also realised that I don’t feel normal which he said was perhaps the most important thing. That whether I am normal or not doesn’t really matter either way because it’s not what I truly feel inside and it’s true. When I’m at work, I feel the social anxiety, when I’m with friends I can feel that I only need so much interaction, dislike random messages or being told to call, I feel anger simmering at comments from family, or being around people I don’t like, and so many other little things.

I am at a strange mid-way point I realise in recovery. My therapist even acknowledged that I am at a stage where I’m practically and emotionally handling daily life, starting to look at my future but then that BPD or acknowledging whatever this ‘thing’ is, is provides me with a useful framework to understand the things that I struggle with and helps me to work on them. I agree with that and it is helpful, if I kept ignoring it and tried to be ‘normal’ like I have done over and over in my life, it eventually leads to sabotage in some way or another and I was left picking up pieces all over again. So I know I can’t totally forget about it. He did remind me that BPD isn’t all of me. I know that on some level, but some days or moments it does sure feel like it.

I’m also wondering how useful living at home really is for me, I feel like my family dynamics do hinder me in some way  and always have. The little things, like my sister and her desire to ignore me in interactions whenever she wants. Or, like earlier today, my sister and mum have gone to babysit my niece and didn’t ask me if I want to go along, I notice these things, but I just don’t react. I said I want to go but they still left without me. The bigger thing is, still seeing my dad around, having someone who you don’t like visit weekly is still tough. It’s like home isn’t a complete sanctuary for me, because it is still riddled with dysfunction. I long for a home where I feel at home and at peace. Not triggered. I haven’t had that sadly, ever.

In my romance line up! Someone I had been talking to all along for about 4 weeks now between these guys, Ben? had shared his number and we clicked on the phone right away, we talked til about 1am on the weekend. And he lets me spam him with messages without making me feel ‘needy’ or ‘weird’ or like I have to ‘play it cool’. He told me he’s serious about getting to know me, that he’s not talking to anyone else because it makes him feel like he’s cheating on me (haha so cute) and he always says sorry if he has been too busy to get back to me soon enough. So I know he is a really good guy at heart.

I got a bit of a telling off from my psych when I showed up tired on Monday because I had stayed up chatting. He said ‘you’re already not taking care of yourself’. Damn, he’s so right. I wasn’t taking care of myself, but I am back on it and sleep when I need to, I don’t stay up messaging if he’s still up and I don’t get upset if he can’t call me, which has been most nights.

He told me with BPD, it can be like other disorders like Bipolar where you need to regulate even the happy, exciting emotions because what I want is a healthy stability. *Sigh* kind of sucks that even those times needs to be simmered down, but I have to think long-term, not short-term. 

Ben’s already suggested meeting up about a week ago, which I’m nervous as hell about. I’ve done it before obviously, but this time I’m going to explain that I have social anxiety because guys have read it wrong that I don’t like them, or that I’m always that reserved and I don’t want that kind of message being sent across. Plus, I want him to know about my MH issues in some way or another. I want a relationship based on the truth about who I am and what I can be like, so that he can choose not to be in it, and I can make sure I have someone supportive. The only thing I’m not sure about is, how attracted I am to him physically? I mean it’s not so important I know and I have reached a stage where I’ve spoken to so many attractive guys that sucked lol, outward beauty doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have a fun, caring personality so I dunno. I don’t want to blow a good thing by being shallow, but I also want to be really into that person if that makes sense. Without attraction you’d just be friends right? It’s kind of daunting because in person people can look so different. Plus, I feel like my hopes would be dashed at this stage if we’re not attracted to eachother then. I may take a break if it doesn’t work out because I’ve talked to about 4 guys in 1 month and relaying the same questions and talking about your life again and again can get tiring in a way. I need to make sure I’m centered. But for now, he does make me laugh and makes me happy even in his own little way of messaging me all day. I do thrive off of that, I know.

I hope you are all doing well too!

 

 

 

Uncategorized

When the bed is your enemy.

I know I have been posting a lot lately. I’m sure it’s serving some purpose but I also really wanted to get this out there. There is something I’ve noticed recently and that is: that as much as I love the comfort of my warm bed on a rainy night – my bed can also be my own worst mental health enemy.

yaaas.png

But, when I’m not at work, I have this all too familiar pull of wanting to stay there. I feel content laying in my bed, in my thoughts, convinced I’m ‘resting’ or ‘relaxing’. Maybe it starts out that way, but it sure as heck doesn’t stay that way. I end up going to the darker places in my head, going over my life, all that fun stuff. How I’m not where I want to be blah blah blah blah blah.

Well, if all you do is lay in bed, you are bound to feel crappy right? I am learning, this pull is something I can’t always indulge. Sometimes, I have to force myself out and get going on the plans for the day. It may be a struggle, but it’s a necessary struggle, plus I almost always feel much better for it.

The idea of balancing socialising and self time has really resonated with me. I think I don’t need a whole day of going out and a whole day of being home but maybe a mix of both on the weekends. Just so I am out and doing things, but also having time to rest and do what I need to do for myself. Sometimes, just getting up, doing a fun facial, making sure I eat, have enough water, tidy my room, spend time with my family, is an achievement vs. staying in bed and drowning in misery.

It is a battle sure, but a necessary one at that.