I’m sure everyone does this to some extent but I have these re-runs in my mind, take this morning for example, I imagine myself getting up with more energy than what I have, doing things I want to do that I know will be good for me (having water, eating a healthy breakfast, exercising, tidying up – you get the picture) but the reality is something quite different.
What I was doing instead was staying in bed thinking about how I want to be ‘more’ everything that I feel like I’m not right now – or at least to the standard that I want to be. Healthier, prettier, more vibrant, more active, more positive, more accomplished.
There are two issues here that I feel are at play: self improvement and self acceptance (Anna Akana explains this beautifully on her Youtube video about self acceptance, just sayin’). I LOVE self improvement, I don’t enjoy being around or particularly feel close to people who complain but don’t take steps to move forwards, I also feel like we only have so many years on this earth and part of that should be spent doing things to become better, to evolve, not in the way I think you should, but in the ways YOU want to, whether that be spiritually, physically, in character….whatever!
The downside to all this self improvement work are the types of thoughts that run in my mind and the lack of self-acceptance that comes hand in hand with my efforts. It’s one thing to self-improve because you want to and you enjoy it, and it’s quite another to do it because you’re not happy with who you are – you feel fundamentally not ‘OK’ or ‘worthy’ or ‘worthy of being loved as you are’. I’m sure on some level all three are wreaking havoc on my mental state. As cliche as it sounds, but I have spent the beginning of the year really observing and recording over the mental tapes that are running in my mind – but that’s another post for another day. I realise now that yes, it’s great that I am trying to self-improve but it has to come from a place of self love, not self hatred. I have to work both on improvement and acceptance.
Sadly, I feel like there are a few things about who I am now that I don’t quite care for in the long run. There is a gap between the person in my imagination and the one in reality. For one, the person in these day dreams doesn’t smoke and well, I hate to admit it, but I have been vaping for most of 2017. Which really sucks considering the fact that I was never addicted to smoking growing up and spent the better part of 7 years not smoking, there really is no need for me to continue this habit it makes no sense.
So today, I bridged that gap just a little, I chucked it in the bin, had some vitamins, sipping some green tea and having some damn water.
I just got to figure out this self-acceptance thing.