borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health · Uncategorized

My favourite person – BPD and FP

This is another strange phenomenon of BPD that I didn’t know I had or was a ‘thing’ until The Mighty site contributors brought it to light for me and I realised, this really is a thing. I’m really so grateful for the people out there sharing their stories and experiences when it comes to mental health, it makes me feel a little less alien, and a lot more understood.

FP’s (favourite person aka the person the BPD individual is the most attached to) – I’ve usually always had one. They’re usually always my romantic partners, that is, until they haven’t been. I realise now, quite painfully that ex-love is my current FP – which is weird because we haven’t really spoken much the past year at all. But, there is an emotional bond one has with their FP that cannot be easily broken by time or circumstance. That, and I haven’t fallen in love since then. 

I do feel like in a weird way, it might be a good thing that someone who cannot be my lover is my FP, then when I do get romantically involved with someone (the logic is anyway) that they cannot be said FP as the spots already been filled. I haven’t really experienced having more than 1 at any given time because you only have emotional space for that one person. They consume you in a way no one else can, ”favourite” is putting it mildly, heart filling, obsessive, powerful, those are the words that really come to mind.

When things are going well with FP, the sun is shining, all is right in your world, you could be no happier. When things are not going so well, it’s like you’ve been floored, your whole world is collapsing, hours can pass in tears. That’s what my marriage was like, that is what I truly am afraid of happening again.

To  love and to be loved is a beautiful thing, but to give complete control and hand over the keys to your sanity to another person who is probably only just managing their own, is playing with fire. You are at their mercy. If you must have an FP please choose wisely.

 

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borderline personality disorder · mental health · Uncategorized

Sick of people being so damn selfish

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Ironically, whenever I start a healthier lifestyle routine, I always fall sick. Luckily, I’m stubbornly clinging to the changes despite that fact. I’ve had to bumble along to work because we have deadlines and because I manage to cheer myself up and socialise at work I’m not entirely sure people believe me when I say I’m ill (there’s this thing called make-up, it does wonders…).

But I’m also a little done on a personal level, I really need a few days away from everything and everyone but with the wedding preps, that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Only, there’s a lot of toxic family drama added to the mix.

I know I have to talk about this in therapy but I need to vent before then. You see, I was dubbed the ‘black sheep’ growing up (interestingly enough, research on BPD has found that we usually are the black sheep, or the scapegoats of dysfunctional families), but now, through maturity, life experience and recovery I’m just not that way inclined. I don’t see the point in destroying my own life because other people are in pain or trying to cause me pain.

And now, over the course of the last year, something started to shift….I’m fine, dandy…getting on with what I have to get on with, not arguing with anyone, not really sharing my opinion when I know it won’t change things. I always knew deep down my own dysfunction only came about as a result of my parents own unhealthy life choices and coping mechanisms but it became so much more apparent. My younger sister also has had her own share of mental health struggles but on top of that, attitude problem for the past year. I really tried to support her over the past year but there is a serious triad of dysfunction in my family and it’s making me want to get out. My sister does what she wants, makes my mum cry, makes my dad obsess about her in a freakishly unhealthy way, he fights with mum, mum cries more… it’s all just a mess, and a really stupid, irresponsible one at that.

The annoying thing is, I try to keep a mutual relationship with my mum and sister and not get too involved, when I took sides growing up I would end up the outcast the ‘bad cop’ for saying what I really thought (another fun fact: bpd individuals are usually the ‘truth tellers’ of the family, calling out the bs they see). It’s working out for me so far, only:

I feel like they are so damn selfish. Either they are, or I am and I don’t know it yet.

I messaged my sister telling her to choose a cake and I’d pay for it as a gift, and she didn’t reply. Like at all. No thanks but no thanks, no oh I saw your message, nada. It’s like it never happened.

Now call me crazy but I know if someone offered to do that for me I’d at least acknowledge the message?

And earlier this evening I can tell my mum’s been down because of what’s happening with my sister, so I give her a call and ask her if she managed to choose a phone cover (she was looking earlier) because I wanted to pay for it for her. She just said no kinda mumbled and hung up without asking why.

..Cool. (Of course, these are only today’s examples, there’s been a lot of other things before this).

Maybe I’m making it about me and they’re going through too much to realise, but then, really? I’ve been through a lot the past year and I haven’t had anyone buying me anything. Maybe I’m just starting to see the dynamics for what they really are. Maybe me being so selfish is really the way to go.

 

 

borderline personality disorder · mental health · Uncategorized

The gap between who I am and who I want to be.

I’m sure everyone does this to some extent but I have these re-runs in my mind, take this morning for example, I imagine myself getting up with more energy than what I have, doing things I want to do that I know will be good for me (having water, eating a healthy breakfast, exercising, tidying up – you get the picture) but the reality is something quite different.

What I was doing instead was staying in bed thinking about how I want to be ‘more’ everything that I feel like I’m not right now – or at least to the standard that I want to be. Healthier, prettier, more vibrant, more active, more positive, more accomplished.

There are two issues here that I feel are at play: self improvement and self acceptance (Anna Akana explains this beautifully on her Youtube video about self acceptance, just sayin’). I LOVE self improvement, I don’t enjoy being around or particularly feel close to people who complain but don’t take steps to move forwards, I also feel like we only have so many years on this earth and part of that should be spent doing things to become better, to evolve, not in the way I think you should, but in the ways YOU want to, whether that be spiritually, physically, in character….whatever!

The downside to all this self improvement work are the types of thoughts that run in my mind and the lack of self-acceptance that comes hand in hand with my efforts. It’s one thing to self-improve because you want to and you enjoy it, and it’s quite another to do it because you’re not happy with who you are – you feel fundamentally not ‘OK’ or ‘worthy’ or ‘worthy of being loved as you are’. I’m sure on some level all three are wreaking havoc on my mental state. As cliche as it sounds, but I have spent the beginning of the year really observing and recording over the mental tapes that are running in my mind – but that’s another post for another day. I realise now that yes, it’s great that I am trying to self-improve but it has to come from a place of self love, not self hatred. I have to work both on improvement and acceptance.

Sadly, I feel like there are a few things about who I am now that I don’t quite care for in the long run. There is a gap between the person in my imagination and the one in reality. For one, the person in these day dreams doesn’t smoke and well, I hate to admit it, but I have been vaping for most of 2017. Which really sucks considering the fact that I was never addicted to smoking growing up and spent the better part of 7 years not smoking, there really is no need for me to continue this habit it makes no sense.

So today, I bridged that gap just a little, I chucked it in the bin, had some vitamins, sipping some green tea and having some damn water.

I just got to figure out this self-acceptance thing.

mental health · Uncategorized

What I need to hear this week.

Trying is not failure, trying is in itself an achievement. 

Your worth is not determined by your achievements.

All you can do is your best, and you are doing just that.

You’re not just trying to succeed, you are trying to succeed whilst battling voices that have put you down for decades. There is strength in that alone.

You can do this, and if you don’t do it this time, there is another time and you can do it the next time, too.

You are not your struggles, your struggles are just blips on the journey.

You do not need to agree with everyone all the time, including the people you love.

Not everyone will understand you are struggling, or when you are struggling, especially when you’re coping with it.

You do not need to people please, and you do not need to say yes to everyone’s demands.

Some days people will think you haven’t done something to ‘standard’ the next day you can be their ‘hero’ – don’t take either too seriously.

Sometimes people will misjudge your abilities – that’s OK, you know what you can and can’t do, and what you do well.

You can do whatever you dream of doing, it’s all a process of trial, error and effort.

It’s OK not to get it right the first time, or third time, or fifth time.

Life is not a race.

Everyone reaches different stages at different times, but your time will be perfectly timed for you.

You will get there, even if it is one baby step at a time, you are still moving forward as long as you do not give up.

Quitting is the only type of failure there is.

It’s OK to rest and re-group.

Some days people will like you more than on other days.

It’s OK to have an ‘off-day’ as long as you are not hurting anyone in the process.

Difficult times are temporary.

Your best is enough.

 

 

 

 

health · mental health · Uncategorized

Essence

Every person has an essence inside of them. People are complex. My sister is complex. If I paint her black and white does that mean she is an angel when she spends time with me and thinks of me when she gets take out and then painted black and demonised when she snaps at me to get out of her room? If thats the case which one is she really? Is she an angel that sometimes slips and then returns to her idolised self? Or is she evil and has lapses until she’s back to that. This is the nature of splitting. This is painting people black and white. This is where you can go wrong. Humans are complex and messy and tired and upset and one day you’re hormonal and hungry and other times you’re content and can spend energy on your loved ones. What matters, what truly matters is a persons essence. Their being as a whole. You can’t paint it.

perhaps if I was ever intuitive enough i could sense their colours. Sometimes I can. I had a colleague and he was yellow. It didnt suprise me when he said it was his favourite colour. Happy and kind.

She has an essence, so does my brother. One that is so uniquely theirs. They are everything and good, they are something only they can be. Only you can be you.

You are naturally and beautifully you. You bring something to this world no one else can bring. Your essence your being was created for a reason.

Perhaps it is society’s biggest flaw that our essence has become overshadowed with messages of doubt and anxiety and fear and sadness that we can no longer really see or feel our essence. Not many of us let ourselves be. We never really realise the beauty of our very selves. We never get to share it with others and find our purpose the reason we were made.

You were made for a reason. You are you enough. You have a purpose, something only you can bring.

‘I don’t even know who I am, nevermind sharing my purpose with others’. I used to mock at phrases like this before.

Now, I see the process was the purpose.

The unfolding and the discovery and the learning and the growing. This was all meant to be.

i see that now.

i hope you do too.

borderline personality disorder · bpd · dbt · mental health · Uncategorized

Book review: Stronger than BPD – Debbie Corso

Okay so I don’t really think I am much of a book reviewer but I just wanted to share what I felt as I was hesitant about buying this book at first. I’ve been on the DBT Path courses a couple of years ago and got to email Debbie directly. Debbie Corso, is a prominent figure in the BPD recovery community mainly because she shares so much about her own recovery and helps others in their journey too. If you can’t get BPD in your area I would definetly recommend her online DBT path course. Unfortunately, back at the time I chose to do the course I was in a tricky living situation, so I had too much going on for me to really be able to implement what I was learning. But the course itself was informative and mimics very well the actual face to face group setting as much as it can on an online platform.

The reason I was hesitant to buy this book was because I have read quite a lot of BPD recovery stories online on blogs, vlogs etc. and also books. I’ve also studied BPD quite extensively now and don’t feel there is much more to learn about the nature of the disorder (so I say). I didn’t want to read basic information and a few techniques that I may already know about.

This book was well worth the money! and it wasn’t much at all for the kindle version. Debbie doesn’t go too much into explaining the criteria etc. she jumps straight into how to implement DBT but gives examples of how and when she used it in her own personal life, and in some pretty tough, major life situations.

I’ve not even finished the book yet but I wanted to share that I am really benefitting from the book already and I would highly recommend it to anyone, not just if you have a diagnosis. The techniques can be applied to pretty much any life stressor, whether it’s on the mild end of the spectrum to something you may feel is more severe. Somehow, she phrases it in a way that makes it stick in my brain as well, as I’ve noticed good old emotions come in the way and in those moments I forget a lot of the techniques I’ve learnt.

I’ve already used the problem-solving idea earlier this morning when I was stressing out about being late to an appointment and showing up without the ID they wanted. I was familiar with the problem solving skill but it’s just her delivery I guess, that reminded me. I also used the ‘putting thoughts away in a box’ a little earlier, it’s one that has never really worked well for me, and it still wasn’t 100% but it was still about 60% effective, and if it means I’lll feel better, I’ll take it.

I’m learning something new page by page and I’m so happy she shared her wisdom and knowledge.

I will report back soon guys I hope you are all well!

 

xx

Uncategorized

Vault

I know what it feels like,

sweet child.

I remember what it feels like,

It’s still in my body.

The memories,

how they taunted me because of my pain.

You see, people don’t understand that amount of anguish. And people are afraid of the things they don’t understand. Maybe it really does mean they don’t understand you. But, I understand you. Like shadows that cover all of the things of this world. The trees, the desert plains, the high top buildings in this cold little city, your feet as they drag across the pavement. Maybe to school or to work. Shadows don’t judge, and shadows don’t cower, remember, no matter how black it feels inside your soul, shadows are always darker. No matter how dark it feels around you, and there is no escape, there is, there will be, because life is like water. Water keeps flowing. Shadows keep moving, they turn from your back to something new and they lift. This time here now, that you are going through, will lift and change. I can’t promise you that you will never feel pain again, but I can promise you that things will change, because they always change, and on that you can rely.

In the meantime, I am here.