I feel like a fairy who has had her wings plucked. Someone who wants nothing but to care and be cared for in return but is hurt and used instead. What is the toxic situation that has sent me spinning as of late? I will write on it more later as I have more than enough material but it so transpires that I got caught up unwittingly by another narcissist and triangulated with his ‘separated’ wife in the bizarrest way. A couple of weeks in, I’m on the phone with her stopping her from a suicide attempt and in her words: ‘If you hadn’t of talked me down I don’t know what would have happened just now..’ she no longer sees me as a saint but, more on that later.
my heart is in physical pain where I feel the world is out to spite me. I’m an empath, of this by now I know -apparently empaths attract narcissists and that was the last thing I needed right now. You see, as part of my recovery i kept reasoning that if I remain stable long enough (as I have done for 2 years) eventually, good things will come my way as that’s just life, just as good things have surprised my friends and sisters, good things will come. Instead, I feel challenge after challenge and I’m sick of pushing my way through, of recovery, of ‘being strong’. Anything to do with ‘being strong’ of ‘you can get through this’ sickens me, I hate those cliche phrases now, designed to keep us trudging along, the pain nontheless, still there.
This was the last challenge I needed. It hurts the most because all I did was show genuine concern and care for another human being and I was shot down, unceremoniously for it with the words ‘I know sorry doesn’t mean much for you at this point’. Why Thank you. Thank you for that.
I am left reeling I will not lie. I am still taking codeine in the evenings. I had written up a draft post 2 days ago but had to stop mid-way because I was so high I couldn’t type anymore. Saturday was spent laying in bed with my room locked, high all day.
I finally showered this morning after 5 days, I never do that, even at my most depressed the bath is the place I usually go to seek isolation and to cry as the water washes over me. This tells me how bad I am at the moment.
I called Samaritans on the weekend because I still wasn’t feeling good and self harm was flashing across my mind. I talked out the situation for an hour on the phone and it did stop the urge to do it. I’m trying to eat more because I’ve dropped back to an unhealthy weight again. My late arrivals to work meant I got criticised for it this morning- the last thing I needed as I’m so sensitive to it. I hid in the cubicle smoking my ecig for about 5 minutes to recover.
that’s another thing, I purchased another vape, back on that constantly now too.
I’m trying to get to some kind of normal, I decorated my room and brought this beautiful tapestry on the weekend (do you like it??). This evening my glass dresser which only just got fixed and returned yesterday has already cracked in one spot and now I’m trying not to burst into tears. I’ve taken codeine but I can’t yet feel a high.
At the moment I am a walking zombie, avoiding as much human interaction as possible. I am not on whatsapp, avoiding my work friend, I don’t want to make plans with friends. I just want everything to stop. I want time to pause so i can just waste away for a while, everything feels like effort.