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Vault

I know what it feels like,

sweet child.

I remember what it feels like,

It’s still in my body.

The memories,

how they taunted me because of my pain.

You see, people don’t understand that amount of anguish. And people are afraid of the things they don’t understand. Maybe it really does mean they don’t understand you. But, I understand you. Like shadows that cover all of the things of this world. The trees, the desert plains, the high top buildings in this cold little city, your feet as they drag across the pavement. Maybe to school or to work. Shadows don’t judge, and shadows don’t cower, remember, no matter how black it feels inside your soul, shadows are always darker. No matter how dark it feels around you, and there is no escape, there is, there will be, because life is like water. Water keeps flowing. Shadows keep moving, they turn from your back to something new and they lift. This time here now, that you are going through, will lift and change. I can’t promise you that you will never feel pain again, but I can promise you that things will change, because they always change, and on that you can rely.

In the meantime, I am here.

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borderline personality disorder · mental health · poetry · Uncategorized

Waning

I nuzzle in between your thighs,

Kissing your warm skin wherever I can,

I never tire of breathing you in.

In here, I feel at home.

Holding apart your soft skin with my fingers,

‘Tell me,

Tell me about the secrets you keep,

Where do you hide them?’

My lips rising to your womb

‘Is it here my love?

you keep your pain…

Nurturing it

As though you would a child?’

You shake your head,

Black tresses of hair swaying on the pillow.

How beautiful and tormented.

‘No, not here’.

I feel you restrict,

Pulling yourself inwards.

Stay with me.

I take my time,

Kissing my way to your chest.

I listen to the beating of your heart,

Trapped in a cage.

Is it tired?

‘Is it in here?…’ I ask.

‘…An unwelcome visitor?’

You turn your face to the side,

I know you are holding back tears.

You were always too proud to cry.

Gently, you nod your head.

Your brown eyes are so distant now,

Are they searching for escape?

‘Has my love not reached and thrown your demons out?’

‘No,’ she says.

‘Just hold me a little tighter, so that I can forget it all.

Even if…

it’s just for a moment.’

 

 

 

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I feel sad

I don’t know when I stopped being a cryer. The tears used to come easily when I was married. Any sign of abandonment, jealousy, anger, whatever situation you name it. But, since I’ve been back, it hasn’t been so forthcoming. Today, for the last couple of hours, my ‘downtime’ after the many chores and tutoring already accomplished by 4PM. Great! I have a couple of hours to chillll. Only, I don’t chill. I start churning over how much responsibility I have over the next few weeks, I’m hormonal and just, well sad. I’m having a sad evening and my binge watching TV isn’t helping. It’s not a ‘I want to self-harm’ sad, just a I don’t want to be sad, sad. I don’t want to be sad. I am trying to allow myself to be, but I just would rather, not. I want to enjoy a long binge watching TV session and have a good, fun evening. Only, I don’t. I feel pain, and that’s what I hate the most. When the marathon stops, I feel sadness or pain. I do notice, that in my long conversations with my ex-date, I didn’t get sunday blues, I was busy on the phone. No, it’s when I’m alone. Even, if i’m trying to relax when on my own, I don’t feel, well, happy. I want to be happy. I’m pinteresting and pretending to meditate and thought I’d blog too to snap me out of this. I hate that my long stretches of time are almost as much torture as being busy. How do I come out of this funk? I have a lot of DBT under my belt, I’m going to get some green tea, listening to a meditation, maybe eat something nice, have a hot bath and give myself permission to just feel a little crappy for tonight.

 

borderline personality disorder · mental health · Uncategorized

HSP

I have known for a while now that I’m a HSP, I’m not sure how much is out there about being an INFP, HSP and having BPD but I do feel like some personality types may be more prone to developing BPD symptoms. I don’t want to delve into it further than that as I just don’t have the knowledge to talk about it but I have found some commonality between the three and perhaps the traumatic experiences are what trigger the difficulties associated with what is otherwise, a positive HSP experience?

Anyway I am starting to appreciate the difficulties I experience on a daily basis that are outside the realm of BPD and more perhaps lending itself to what can be called a highly sensitive personality. Why do I use this label this time? Because this relates to my daily environmental experiences and triggers that are not usually things that are perceived in any way as threatening or negative.

I’ve noticed recently that it is affecting me in a number of ways:

I find myself squirming inside or feeling shocked when I hear a loud sound I wasn’t expecting, not like a crash or bang type loud noise. It could be a truck driving past and the shudder of it by my window that took me by surprise or my sister laughing loudly downstairs or the beeping of the train doors as they shut that bring me to shudder or feel assaulted to the point where I can’t focus on what I’m doing, reading or writing.

I have to dim my lights sometimes hours before bedtime, at least once a week I need to put on my fairy lights (warm glowy girly ones that make me so happy :D) about as early as 7pm, lock my room door and do a lot of nothing just to come down from the business and constant stimulation I experience in the day.

Being in social groups can get tiring too, not the whole time I am there but after a period of time, I am just drained from talking and being talked to, it starts to feel more like I’m being talked ‘at’.

Unexpected phone calls. This can affect me because my moods are unpredictable so sometimes I am really not together enough to want to answer calls, which sucks, because they’re usually from family and I can’t really ignore them which means I have to pretend even more. It also sucks into my ‘quiet space and time’ and I have to summon some kind of energy and politeness and be prepared to be on the phone longer than I want to be.

 

 

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · dating · Uncategorized

Letting in something new.

Or should I say someone. I had to completely block the last person I mentioned in my post who has really been quite ill. I just needed to give him a couple of days to make sure he wasn’t in a crisis state and he seemed to have weathered the worst of it, in quite a healthy way – he went out with his friends, his family member and visited his Dr, so he was quite resourceful. He was impulsive in that he told me he would be sleeping with someone to get over me, but I tried to tell him not to. I don’t know if he did.

The other thing that wasn’t healthy was that he kept calling me, one moment blocking me and then unblocking me and wanting to talk. He felt sad talking to me and probably upset that I wasn’t feeling the same way. He tried to convince me that my diagnosis was holding me back and I had cut him off because of my diagnosis, but I know that’s not true as if anything, my diagnosis makes me hold on to people, not let go. It did throw me off a little that someone was trying to use my diagnosis to explain what I was doing instead of listening to my reason why. I did it because it was what was best for us in the long-run. It didn’t have to do with fear of abandonment or intimacy or anything like that.

He was told by the professionals not to talk to me anymore so I am respecting their opinion and helping him ultimately, by letting him go. I blocked and deleted him and while a part of me will always hope for the best for him, I know it was right for me. It reminded me of a relationship at 16 where I put myself through so much unnecessary stress being a carer for my then bf, and juggling school work and no matter how much I did it was never enough for him. I was miserable, he took up all my time and I refuse to do it again. It’s one thing caring about someone and supporting them as and when they need it, but another where you are being used to regulate them and they need you constantly throughout the day. Human beings are not designed to take on the burdens of another in such a dramatic way. Even then, perhaps I would have given it a shot if I didn’t have my own struggles but as it is, I am faring much better with talking to someone who is without a diagnosis. I just need to do what’s right for me.

So I am on new ground once again. I am talking to someone new and it is going well, we will be meeting on Sunday. I am more nervous than excited, I guess trying to find the right person for quite a while now means that I am not quick to get excited. I am glad though, because it lets me take it all down a notch. I remind myself not to become impulsive, to take it slowly and to allow things to progress naturally, as they feel right. I am glad I faced that rejection in September and a break up early in the year because now I know that I can really whether the worst thing – a break up – and be healthy. I know I wont self harm or do anything crazy if things don’t go well so I feel a lot more comfortable and at ease. I am nervous though that things are going well and whenever they go well I realise that any relationship I have now will be with me not being in the throes of my sickness, but actually, me being pretty healthy.

This will be new territory for me and whatever I manage to cultivate, I don’t want to sabotage. I don’t want my mental health to come along and eff it all up like it has it’s many ways of doing. I have been happy and in love before, but keeping that love, and keeping it healthy, this is what I will really need to work on. I am getting through life OK, but I don’t want to go through it alone, and I really do want to be a mother someday. We’ll see. I am trying not to over-think things. But I am happy I am talking to him.

I will be so nervous on Sunday. X.X Ugh first date nerves suck. It never gets easier.

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Is life cutting me some slack?

I feel like life is starting to fall into some kind of rhythm. Getting there. Day by day. I have realised, that life, especially adult life, is just kind of boring. You grind but it’s for the long run. Something that in the throes of mental illness you don’t care much for. The ‘long run’ is exactly what you are trying to get away from. I am showing up to work full-time, I’m stumbling in a little late because it’s far travel-wise and I’m leaving a little early but at least I am showing up. I’m not super into work at the moment, but, I am waiting for the long-run – for a new and better position. Things are falling into place. I was worried I would have to find something by January but it turns out I don’t have to worry until Spring. I’m still going to look for more jobs on the weekend, but it’s nice that there’s less tension about securing something by Jan. It’s nice that I actually have a choice and that I care about my life enough to find something better. I don’t feel like I’m just surviving anymore, I feel like I have a ‘good enough’ life and now I am trying to make it better and better.  

I came home to find a letter telling me I am owed a good portion of money, so I will be cashing that cheque on Saturday!

I finally have real savings! Like enough to buy a car savings!

Something I thought that with my family situation and supporting my mum, I would never really be able to have. I have started saving again lately and it has been on my mind and I have been making a sincere attempt to keep putting money in. I know my BPD impulses mean I want to spend, but just the knowledge of that alone means I make sure I don’t touch my savings. BUT, it’s just that, I counter this by not putting much into the savings. I spend and buy some clothes too many. I am going to make sure this money isn’t touched. It feels like I can see a bit more of a future now, and I like that. It keeps me going.

I am still feeling terrible about this situation with this guy. He is not taking things well. But he has also told me about things that he kind of hid which show that the situation is yet still much worse than what I thought it was. I know just how deep mental illness can fuck with a person and it is truly fucking with him at the moment. I am trying to be there for him as someone who truly understands what it’s like without throwing away my own boundaries and what I have built for myself. I spoke to him on the phone for a while, asked what his plans for the evening were and gave him some suggestions so I hope he’s keeping busy. I just hate that we have to live this way because of traumas from childhood (in this case anyway) and then also have to find the strength to pave a way out of it. Usually, with squat all family support. They don’t understand, nor do they try to. I kind of hate them for that.

When you have known mental illness and to some extent always will, you understand the darkness of it all, the way it sucks you in. The way you have to find a way to claw your way out. Always an impulsive decision away from making things go from bad to really-life-and-mind-altering-worse. All it takes is one night of stupidity and you could be paying for it with your life, a hospital stay, a drug trip and you’re in some strangers bed kicking yourself. I really want to be part of the process of him being able to get out.

Mental illness is not pretty but if the last 20 months of my life are anything to go by, you can get so much better. I know, just this year’s therapeutic work alone means I will never be the same again.