Uncategorized

Normal.

Okay guys, I am up on a Monday and I feel OK. I am pretty much on time and didn’t have to tear my body up out of bed. I mean sure, it still kinda sucked and I’d still rather be at home but not in a – it’s hard to move around I’m so sad-  way.

I think it’s the patches. I feel almost, *gasp* normal? Is this what it’s usually like to just be able to get up and go to work? I hope the rest of the week is like this…

Advertisements
borderline personality disorder · dating · mental health · Uncategorized

Shit got real.

He didn’t want to take it further. He sent the message while I was at work, as a reply to me saying I wanted to see him again (ouch). One of the reasons being ‘potential problems with my hypersensitivity and the way he knows he can be and his personality.’ Ahh…there it is the personality related one. There were other things too. Most of which could be worked around…he obviously didn’t want to work around them, things like living situation and my studying for my career plans etc. It is what it is.

One of them I may make a post about as it’s something not encountered just by talking to him, but a number of times in my life and something that I just need to rant about.

He was taking a while to reply as I’d asked him in the morning and he didn’t get back til later in the afternoon. See BPD brain and my clingyness issues and insecurities can make me panic when my other half doesn’t reply back quick enough but sometimes, I don’t think it’s that at all. Times like this make me feel like 1) I was right to panic which makes it worse in future situations because I remember these situations 2) It probably wasn’t irrational anxiety, maybe it was my gut instinct telling me something was up.

I mean it sounded like we would both have had to compromise a lot of things, but then aren’t a lot of relationships like that? I’m just a bit sick of the search too. It does hurt, and it hurts because since yesterday I was starting to warm up and feel comfortable and looking forward to seeing him. It’s just typical bad timing. I left work early after crying in the bathroom because yesterdays news was still on my mind as it was and I just didn’t have the energy to fake around my work friends compared to this morning where work was a welcome distraction and potentially seeing him was something to look forward to as well. 

Romantic relationships are the arena where my BPD kicks in the hardest, not really friendships, family or even work so at the moment I’m finding it super hard to take care of myself. What I really want to do is dance it out on stage in some smokey ass club, with a whole lot of tequila in my system. But neither of those things would happen because I don’t do either of things anymore. Or alternatively, self-harm it away. But I’ve had a long streak of not doing that anymore either (coming onto 19 months). I’m just going to try to get through the weekend..I have therapy on Monday so I hope I can see some sense then. I hope my psychologist has some more magic phrases and logic that will help me think it all away.

FFS.

 

 

 

 

Uncategorized

When the bed is your enemy.

I know I have been posting a lot lately. I’m sure it’s serving some purpose but I also really wanted to get this out there. There is something I’ve noticed recently and that is: that as much as I love the comfort of my warm bed on a rainy night – my bed can also be my own worst mental health enemy.

yaaas.png

But, when I’m not at work, I have this all too familiar pull of wanting to stay there. I feel content laying in my bed, in my thoughts, convinced I’m ‘resting’ or ‘relaxing’. Maybe it starts out that way, but it sure as heck doesn’t stay that way. I end up going to the darker places in my head, going over my life, all that fun stuff. How I’m not where I want to be blah blah blah blah blah.

Well, if all you do is lay in bed, you are bound to feel crappy right? I am learning, this pull is something I can’t always indulge. Sometimes, I have to force myself out and get going on the plans for the day. It may be a struggle, but it’s a necessary struggle, plus I almost always feel much better for it.

The idea of balancing socialising and self time has really resonated with me. I think I don’t need a whole day of going out and a whole day of being home but maybe a mix of both on the weekends. Just so I am out and doing things, but also having time to rest and do what I need to do for myself. Sometimes, just getting up, doing a fun facial, making sure I eat, have enough water, tidy my room, spend time with my family, is an achievement vs. staying in bed and drowning in misery.

It is a battle sure, but a necessary one at that.

borderline personality disorder · mental health · Uncategorized

You have to hold your own.

One thing I’m learning more and more in my recovery, especially without as much external support is – with BPD you really have to learn to hold your own. To be okay for yourself, to be your own best friend, to be your own supporter. Because damnit, no one else will be there to truly do it for you. They may show you compassion, help you when you’re down, but only you can truly be on your own side. 

That is the toughest thing for me when I’m faced with other people making it even more difficult, especially when it’s the people closest to me, mainly (and sadly), my family. I really struggled on sunday, when after a day of motivating myself, cheering myself up, using all my healthy alternatives to have a good day, my mum had come in and decided to launch into a shouting attack about bed covers, yep, the bed covers I chose. At this age, I kind of can’t believe that’s an issue in my life, but so it is. I just felt like she had no idea about the kind of day I had had (she wasn’t in, plus I don’t tell her – she doesn’t really understand what BPD is) how much it took for me just to get through the day and then to be topped off with an argument about something so minor. I had to tell her that I don’t want to argue with her and to close the door and leave, just for it to end. By the end of that, I was in tears.

Today, I’ve had an Okay day, my manager pulled me aside and told me everyone’s really happy with my performance and I will be working there for longer than I thought. I’ve still applied to other positions but it takes the pressure off of me until the next year so that was welcome news. I got accepted onto the training for the suicide prevention charity and training starts in October so that was a double bonus. I have plans for the weekend and I’m looking forward to socialising and relaxing. All in all, it’s been swell.

That is until, while helping my brother write up an email for his college my younger sister, who kept interrupting us by telling him he doesn’t need to write one and over riding what I was saying with her own advice, I pressed on with helping him. To which she said I was being aggressive – my tone hadn’t changed, I had no intention of being aggressive, I wasn’t angry in the slightest. I have just learnt to articulate myself in a way that if I’m being interrupted, or a boundary is being crossed I press on with doing whatever it was I was doing. Which I feel everyone does. She told me to stop speaking to her aggresively to which I said I wasn’t aggressive and she decided to tell me I’m rude. I told her I refuse to tip-toe around her, and I can’t help it if she decides to take it that way. I will mention here that both of my parents give her undivided attention and both of them speak to her and engage her in a way of being extra soft, extra attentive and indulging her a lot more than the rest of us. I feel like that’s very much what has caused this.

Prior to therapy and my psychologist even suggesting that it sounds like she has her own – for lack of a better word – ‘issues’ I would have entirely blamed myself and believed her. Now, a part of me as I write this, still replayed this scenario and thought ‘perhaps I was being aggressive, perhaps she’s right, maybe it is my fault’ and then feeling shitty and a sense of abandonment until she talks to me again. But, I guess that’s what sometimes people want you to believe if you believe it. Sometimes, people don’t want to take responsibility for their own perceptions. You could be innocently looking at someone and if they decide you’re looking at them in a ‘rude’ way – are you really at fault? Were you really looking at them in a rude way? Should you really be taking responsibility for that?

With BPD, I feel like I looked for external validation and understanding of situations and would believe that and take it on. But now, I am trying not to. Especially since my psychologist told me that I can’t be responsible for other people’s emotions and perceptions. It’s that formula he told me: I can’t help it if ‘a + b = x’ to them. I’m kind of tired of trying so hard to be good with my attitude, my words, and really think about how I talk and putting in all of this effort, to then be accused anyway.

I am trying hard not to let it get to me, to worry about when she will talk to me, because that’s when the fear of abandonment kicks in, even if you haven’t done anything, you still want to ‘make up’ so things are ‘OK’ because I can’t take the limbo part. I used to do this in my marriage, regardless of whether I felt my ex was ever ‘wrong’ I would still rush to apologise or talk out the argument to try to ‘fix’ things, because I couldn’t handle being ‘left’ to it. It’s also hard to stay regulated, to not get really upset or angry. Hence, I’m writing on here to let out some of the emotion and thought patterns and am talking to other people to distract myself.

It’s hard to be your own best friend and your main source of support all the time. I don’t really have any ‘space’ in my relationships for any understanding of my condition. My family doesn’t think twice about how they talk or come across to me as someone with BPD, forget all that family therapy, or ‘effective communication with BPD loved ones’ or anything like that. I love them, I do, but it is difficult at times to feel isolated with this condition.

No one else, except for you, will truly know the extent of your own struggles, so I need to (and you as well, dear reader – ) have the most compassion for myself and not abandon myself when I feel heightened emotions or am going through a rough time.

 

 

 

 

 

borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health · Uncategorized

Work work work

Hate that song! Anyway so I thought I would update you all on how things are going plus I feel like it’s part of my routine writing on here. Things have been productive, but boring. I have been a little non-stop since the beginning of the week but I mean, nothing happens if nothing gets done so I don’t mind. Just a little tired. I applied for some more jobs (I did get an invite to apply after applying for the last job I mentioned and found out it was 2 hours away! 😦 ). Applied for some more after work during the week and went to the charity evening. I loved it. I did feel apprehensive while I was there – I flitted between feeling like ‘this is finally going to be the place where my personality and emotions will be useful and beneficial!’ to ‘what if I’m not cut out for this at all? what if it drains me?’ Maybe a little black and white thinking? I think what makes it a little more intimidating was the fact that most of the people who want to get involved already are working in mental health in some way. Plus, they interview you to see if you’re suited for it and the questions are going to be personal. 

I’m undecided about revealing my diagnosis – in one way I hope they don’t discriminate if I do reveal it and decide I’m not fit to volunteer no matter who I am as a person. On the other hand I feel like if I don’t talk about it I’m just adding to the stigma surrounding it – that it ‘should’ be kept quiet or that I’m ashamed of it – I’m not. What do you guys think?

I feel like things have been difficult for me even during recovery – (next week is my 18 months in!) I know I have to be patient and keep letting things improve at the rate that they are meant to but I don’t feel like I’m at the stage of enjoying life or feeling stable. I still feel like im surviving, usually broke, still needing therapy, not too outgoing and sociable and still feeling a little bit like my head is just above water. No longer in terms of worrying about being aggressive and losing my shit or about breaking up relationships but more in terms of feeling depressed or hopeless, that things will never change. It’s a place I feel is in the background in my mind, tempting to listen to, to fall into, I’m just holding on to see if it’s not the case. Let’s say I’m interested to see how the next year pans out and whether things keep going uphill.

I am at a healthy weight I think, I’m avoiding the scales but from what I see I think I’ve reached it. I am uncomfortable with it, I’m just trying not to be and not to think about losing. Maybe it’s a good thing that I’ve had a few family events the past 2 weeks so I’ve been eating more than usual. 

I’m still noticing differences between my old relationship tendencies and how I’m thinking now. Me and the guy I’ve been talking to for the last 2 weeks got to talking on the phone last night. I made up a nickname for him to blog about it on here but it ended up being his actual name haha. So I’m making up another one –  James. He is a pretty interesting, lively personality from what I can tell, we talked for quite a while last night but I’m not sure what he’s made of me so far, he’s quite good at not being too obvious about it. But then at the same time, it is early days so I guess there isn’t much to make of things yet.

I remember in the past I would be super excited and feel myself getting prematurely attached. I’d think about them a lot, fantasize, wonder what they’re up to, and now I realise that that isn’t healthy for me, leads me into my own world and usually doesn’t match up to the reality of what is actually going on. So now I’m wary of thinking too much about him or how things are, whether it could be good between us, I have no expectations really and I think it’s a lot better this way. It’s not to say I haven’t thought like that at all but I catch myself a lot quicker.

I definetly would hinge most of my happiness on a relationship and talking to/being with that person. I am starting to see how unrealistic this is and how I need to make sure I have my own happiness and things going on, while I’m dating but also in life in general. Whether I’m in a relationship, married, single it doesn’t matter – I need my own life, hobbies, passions, non-romantic relationships. I am glad I can at least see that now.

Speaking of hobbies, I don’t know if it’s just me but I feel like a lot of advice that’s out there revolves around telling people to get out more, do things, be busy, have a ‘life’- but what if that’s just not you? I have things I enjoy but a lot of them can be done indoors, I have a social life it’s just not ‘busy’ or an everyday thing and I am starting to wonder whether this is just another ‘ideal’ or expectation of modern society.  I know I’m not the only person like this, not everyone is a social butterfly, going to a million and one events and not everyone wants to be – surely I don’t need to be moulding myself into this to be more ‘attractive’ or to seem ‘healthy’ as a person? Just something that’s been on my mind lately.

I got a call from IMPART and they scheduled to see me for my assessment in 5 weeks time so hopefully I can get myself into some more treatment pretty soon. The assessment will be 2 hours long (yikes!) not looking forward to that so much.