Well I actually started this piece by typing up the word ‘Hi’ as if I was about to write an email so that should probably give an indication of how tired I really am. I’m not sure how helpful what I’m about to say will be, but I will say it because I need to, damnit. I’ve read quite a few articles online now talking about tiredness and the struggle with mental health. Namely, that the two are related even if one cannot see the health issue as you can a physical illness. It’s just that it seems to be happening to me a lot lately, and it is getting on my damn nerves.
When I say I am tired, I am tired. I don’t need to explain it, I don’t need to justify it, I don’t need to go through my day so you can ‘believe me’. Why the heck is this even a thing? I can even recall occasions in the past when I’ve jokingly or in a genuinely confused fashion questioned someone: ‘why are you tired, you’ve been at home all day watching TV!’. Not that I have been at home watching TV, between work, training, tutoring and dating I wish I had a day at home, only, I don’t. It’s to the extent that I haven’t even had time to be nervous about my date tomorrow, I’m just going through motions of all the things I’m juggling. But when I find I do express my current state of being ‘tired’ no one seems to want to hear it, or believe me.
I mean on the outside, I get it, why would a single 27 year old find it so hard to work and go out, isn’t that what everyone at that age does? Only, you can’t see or even know about how I drag around this thing called borderline personality disorder which maybe I don’t have anymore but even then a diagnosis is just a checklist so really there are a lot of emotions and struggles still associated with it, such as the social anxiety that had me breathing deep in group training today and wondering whether I should slip away and pop an anxiety medication I happened to keep in my purse and come back hoping it will help me regroup. I didn’t, but the sensations are all still there. I mean, I’m still popping melatonin to make sure I sleep through the night, and I am travelling a lot. Ironically, a lot more than the people who are making said statements about ‘why are you tired?’ It’s frustrating as f to hear it from someone who doesn’t experience a day even similar to what you do. Sure, it’s easy to say when you get to nap mid-day or take it easy or drive to wherever you have to go so you’re not surrounded by the imbeciles on public transport that I face, you know, like the guy who decided to puke on the bus or the one who played his music so loud on his headphones the whole bus could hear it, to top it off it wasn’t even good music so it just felt like post-work torture instead of a nice silent bus journey home.
I’m not saying I couldn’t have it worse, or I couldn’t be busier because I will be busier in precisely 2 days time. All that I really mean from this rant is that when I am telling you I’m tired, just for once, let me have that moment. I’m effing tired. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be saying it. I’m not being offensive, I don’t have to write an essay on the cause and effect relationship explaining the various factors that have led me to this point, all I need is to say it, and for you to accept it as my truth. It’s not even laziness, infact, I wish it was laziness. It also boils down to the same fact that people just don’t acknowledge that someone can have a lot going on mentally, I don’t need to have fever to be tired, I can be tired just from the thoughts and adjustments I have to make in my head. I mean I am glad I can make them and that I am currently at a level where I am functioning enough to be able to do all of this, but you know, it doesn’t remove the fact that it’s tough. I don’t understand why sometimes it’s the nearest and dearest that are the most invalidating whilst I can write all of this on here and receive nothing but support.
Still gonna say it. As much as I want.