So I got through the week. I got through it despite being sans therapy, working full time, training on thursday and having major cramps. Therapy tomorrow! woop! Although I keep forgetting I have therapy tomorrow, it seems to be a common occurence the past few weeks, I wonder if I’m feeling better enough to not feel like I need to go? I want to keep going, at least for a year, only because I have had long stints without therapy only to end up doing impulsive things without realising. My BPD can be quite sneaky like that.
My BPD is under wraps, really, for the most part. It’s with constant management though. I mean daily, hourly, management. I need rest, strict sleep, I need to socialise, need down-time, I meditate everyday. I need meditation, meditation calms me like nothing else. Sometimes my mind is spinning and I don’t even realise until I start meditating. I do though, still feel like management is a constant obstacle course, avoiding and tip-toeing around ‘triggers’ so that I don’t blow up. Especially with my family relationships. I go through ‘splitting’ type thoughts in my mind often with my family, and although I’m not letting anything out and ruining my family relationships in the process, it’s still affecting me in my head and sometimes damage control means I have to leave them and isolate myself for a while so I don’t say anything to hurt their feelings. It means sometimes, I have to mind my own business, because I have an opinion about something my sister’s doing and before I would get into an argument with her or her and my mum by telling them I don’t agree with certain things they do but I see now that that only hurts me the most. Yes, I got my point across, but if it wasn’t affecting my life, I made the argument affect my life by getting me all dysregulated, and she doesn’t listen to me anyway. Which I mean is fair enough, it’s her life and she wants to do things a certain way, she can.
I have realised now my mental health cannot be put at risk even by things like that. It’s hard though because I was so used to doing that my whole life, ending up in arguments with her or my mum by telling them ‘this isn’t right’, that it was weird to let go and keep quiet. Like last night, she stayed out til late without telling my mum or even letting me know and I still don’t know when she got back, this would have made me mad before, not that she can’t go out but the fact that she didn’t even let me know. I decided it’s just not worth getting mad over, it’s only affecting me and I ignored it, and today I am glad I did, because I slept fine, avoided an argument and felt better for it. It’s hard changing old patterns, some things I feel are completely changed and routine for me, like self-care, balancing socialising etc. but this is an area I’m still navigating.
Although now I am calmer (thanks to proper sleep and 5-HTP patches woot!) the ‘bigger’ issues of BPD are now coming into play – like questions about identity, how exactly I want my next year to go. I am going to keep going but by March it will have been 24 months (woah) of recovery and I’m starting to wonder where to go from there. It feels like 2018 is a big stretch that I don’t know how to fill apart from training at the charity, and possibly studying in September, I want something more. I want less recovery, more living. I don’t know if I want to stick in this position which will be finished by January time and after that, I’ll have to find something new again, and what? Is a question still unanswered and still a little daunting.
Now that I better manage my moods (I still have my moments, I assure you) I also have been feeling broody, YES, children have been off my mind for a long time, and since I don’t even have anyone by my side, it’s confusing to me. I guess I just want a family of my own to surround myself with, and be busy with. Focusing on yourself is great and all, but it gets tiresome focusing only on yourself. I want more love around me, a home. Plus, my close friend has also found someone so I am the only one, apart from my work-friend who is single, and while I’m not too bothered, it does impact my time with them as they talk about their relationships or just have their time filled with their other halves. My friend has already planned to go to events I would have asked her to go to with me, with her BF as he’s into similar stuff. So I won’t be able to go now, unless I summon up courage to go on my own, but these events are a little too open for that.
I am also struggling with how much I want to/let my mental illness define me. I tell myself I am not BPD, I HAVE BPD and there is a huge difference between the two. But when I put it aside, not really talk about it and just get on, I feel like people miss something, I am dismissing something that actually is still there and is only understated and easily passed over because of how much I manage it. But then, when I become all about it, wanting to mention it, wanting to be with someone I can talk to about it, reading up about it, it’s like that becomes the biggest part of my life, and that doesn’t feel right anymore either. It’s not my life, it’s not all of who I am, and there is a lot going on at the moment for me that it’s not affecting. So it’s confusing me a little, I might have to talk about all this tomorrow as I don’t have an answer…