I need to document this time, mainly because it happens many times, at least once a day but I am hoping I will be able to remember this moment the next time I feel taken over by sadness. In my darker moments it’s almost as if these happier/calmer states just don’t exist. For one, I am content right now because I am not manically checking my phone to see if I have a text back. It doesn’t bother me at all. Secondly, I have been able to have my attention fully on one thing and that has been reading articles online about people’s experiences with BPD. It always helps me – I guess to keep hope alive. Thirdly, I feel at peace in my body. My chest isn’t hurting and I don’t feel sad or torn apart. I didn’t feel like this just earlier in the day. I’ve noticed the dreaded depressed feeling today lasted about 3 hours at the most. I played around doing make up on my sister to distract myself and after that I was fine. While at work on Thursday – my depressed mood which led me to barely talking to colleagues lasted for about 4 – 5 hours. So these mood states are not long at all. But when I am in them it’s like I can’t remember what it was like before. I can’t recall happy moments or I can but they feel like something of the past, not just you know, this morning or 2 days ago. It’s like remembering a dream you had, hazy and distant. So, as of this moment, I am okay. I can get through 3-5 hours of sadness, I can let those states pass.
I am okay and when I am in those moods, I will come out of them and be OK again. Do they still suck? Yes. Will I go through it again? Yes. Will I come out of them? Yes. Is it worth coming out of them? Right now, I don’t feel super content in saying Yes but I still feel like it is worthwhile. I don’t want to let it keep me down. I will be around even after the sadness. I am not sadness. Sadness passes. Emotions change, they do not need to be judged. This is something they teach us in DBT but I still haven’t quite accepted feeling deeply sad, especially when there is no trigger. I guess I feel like I need a ‘reason’ for sadness and if I don’t have one, I take issue with it. It’s OK to have times of sadness, even if it’s for no reason and it doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me human and it doesn’t make me unstable, it’s just how my brain works. It doesn’t make me unstable because I have healthy, non damaging outlets, I am able to contain myself and see myself through them in some way or another. I am able to support myself and get through another day. I got through today. I can get through tomorrow.