I guess the main relief is my current struggle isn’t actually my doing. Even in therapy on Monday when I relayed the events going on in my life of last week, he wholeheartedly agreed that none of this was caused by my BPD. For once, all the shambles around me are just life events occurring. It hasn’t been me being reckless, or sabotaging or me lashing out at people under stress. It’s just a stressful shitty time. I hibernated last weekend and I guess I’ve been hibernating from this blog too, mainly because truly, no recovery related stuff is really happening, I don’t have interesting fun facts at the moment to share. My life at the moment is pretty strained. My psych acknolwedging that a lot is happening helped me to really believe it. I guess when you feel so intensely sometimes you wonder whether you’re exaggerating it or whether things really are that difficult at the moment.
There are some pros that have emerged in my recent experience:
- I didn’t act out at all during all of this and had a healthy ‘break up’ (we were barely together, but you know) when Ben said he doesn’t want to take things further my urge was to cling, to call him and ask to consider the changes we could make to make it work (I have a hard time letting go, obviously) but I didn’t. It was hard, but I realised that he knew that too, and if he wanted he could have called/met up with me to talk about how we could make it work, he obviously didn’t want that, and I deserve that.
- I took ‘executive’ action – as I like to call it – to handle the stress (more on that later).
- I have been using positive coping strategies and so far I regret none of them.
- I am still in therapy and because of my last session I was able to notice a BPD type behaviour creeping up and nip it in the bud before it gets bad.
- I’ve actually been pretty reliable and responsible, especially at home. I’m doing more errands, spending a lot of time with family, helping out financially even more and with all of that, managing my BPD myself.
The actions I took are actually related to more stress that has been piled on me. My sister lost a job after being accepted and before she even started because she’s been discriminated against for having depression (this is an article in itself). So I have to chip in more financially at home – this means I’ve dropped therapy to fortnightly and I’ve had to go back fulltime. So I’ll be starting full-time next week. I feel like both of these things are not what’s best for my recovery but, I’m going to try my best to get through it. But it helps the situation at the moment, and in terms of recovery it means I was responsible and able to take care of my family despite all of the crazyness going on at the moment.
I have started taking melatonin for the last 4 nights and it hasn’t been a miracle but I definetly feel less tired in the day and it helps me manage my BPD a lot better because of that. Unfortunately, I still had a nightmare last night which woke me, I’m going through a stint of having them every night and it’s upsetting to say the least so I hope that doesn’t happen tonight. I think I’m close to nailing the best sleeping time for me and once I have that, working full-time may be a lot easier. I’m also waiting for my 5-HTP patches. Now the tablets definetly helped me, (again not a miracle but it lifts my moods for sure as I felt it happening the first day of taking it). I am hoping the patches are even better. BPD and ME talks about it on her blog and how it helped her so I’m grateful that she put that out there. I will let you guys know how I go with that. So between the melatonin and 5-HTP I’m hoping my moods and sleep will stabilise and I can get on with things easier. I also have my assessment for DBT on tuesday which will be up to 2 hours! Of getting drilled with questions but hopefully after that, I can start, weekly for a good half a year or so of DBT! I think it’s going to be one-to-one as well so maybe that will help. I really hope so, at least it’s more support so I’ll take what I can get.
I was reminded how sneaky my BPD can be this week. I was reaching a point after Ben of becoming unhealthily obsessed with the app. I kept going on it and making it about who did or didn’t like me. All of a sudden it was becoming more urgent, an evaluation, trying to find the right person quickly. Getting angry that it isn’t happening. I knew it was happening but I kept finding myself back on it. I told psych about it and he said that while my current life situation may not be my doing, this IS. I love that he can be blunt and honest with me in a nice way. He pulls me up on BS that could harm me. He’s right of course so I agreed I’ll be taking a break from it. I had already swapped numbers with one person but I’ve ignored all the messages from others and haven’t logged on in days. I already feel better for it. I haven’t always needed to be in therapy, last year I went months without, studying, going out, trying to be normal but then the behaviours creep up on me and I’m not really thinking about them. So this has been a stark reminder to me that even if it’s fortnightly I need to carry on for now no matter how ‘functional’ I might seem at the moment. It’s like pulling out weeds before they can grow and get crazy. I’m grateful he was able to help me nip it in the bud, now I just need to keep it this way for a while.
I’m not really going out much but I am making the effort to go out with family, keep in touch etc. and prayer and spirituality is really helping. I lose myself in reaching out to God to help me through this time and it really beats harmful behaviours. I don’t feel great inside at the moment, but at least I’m not regretting anything.