He didn’t want to take it further. He sent the message while I was at work, as a reply to me saying I wanted to see him again (ouch). One of the reasons being ‘potential problems with my hypersensitivity and the way he knows he can be and his personality.’ Ahh…there it is the personality related one. There were other things too. Most of which could be worked around…he obviously didn’t want to work around them, things like living situation and my studying for my career plans etc. It is what it is.
One of them I may make a post about as it’s something not encountered just by talking to him, but a number of times in my life and something that I just need to rant about.
He was taking a while to reply as I’d asked him in the morning and he didn’t get back til later in the afternoon. See BPD brain and my clingyness issues and insecurities can make me panic when my other half doesn’t reply back quick enough but sometimes, I don’t think it’s that at all. Times like this make me feel like 1) I was right to panic which makes it worse in future situations because I remember these situations 2) It probably wasn’t irrational anxiety, maybe it was my gut instinct telling me something was up.
I mean it sounded like we would both have had to compromise a lot of things, but then aren’t a lot of relationships like that? I’m just a bit sick of the search too. It does hurt, and it hurts because since yesterday I was starting to warm up and feel comfortable and looking forward to seeing him. It’s just typical bad timing. I left work early after crying in the bathroom because yesterdays news was still on my mind as it was and I just didn’t have the energy to fake around my work friends compared to this morning where work was a welcome distraction and potentially seeing him was something to look forward to as well.
Romantic relationships are the arena where my BPD kicks in the hardest, not really friendships, family or even work so at the moment I’m finding it super hard to take care of myself. What I really want to do is dance it out on stage in some smokey ass club, with a whole lot of tequila in my system. But neither of those things would happen because I don’t do either of things anymore. Or alternatively, self-harm it away. But I’ve had a long streak of not doing that anymore either (coming onto 19 months). I’m just going to try to get through the weekend..I have therapy on Monday so I hope I can see some sense then. I hope my psychologist has some more magic phrases and logic that will help me think it all away.