Somethings been on my mind a lot lately, and that is exactly how much of my experience is down to sickness and how much actually has to do with my own unique way of looking at the world. In all the insanity and the darkness, not all of it feels dark. In fact, feeling things more than other people doesn’t feel like a downside at all. If it means I feel more alive, if it means I feel happier, if it means I love more intensely and hold onto the ones I love tighter, what’s so bad about that? There are things I experience that I love:
When I see the face of the man I love, I feel as if my entire being is warmed by the sun.
When I sit in my garden watching my cat catching bees (or trying to) while sipping on my coffee I feel like I’m experiencing all the peace and joy the skies have to offer.
I have an insatiable desire to find meaning and purpose. Driving me to learn, to improve, to seek spirituality and for that I am so grateful.
I may be frustrated at work, but maybe that’s just because I want to help people and improve lives.
I am quicker to smile, quicker to humble myself and quicker to forgive. I know life can be tough, feeling so many things in any one given day has taught me that.
I love being able to feel child-like joy just by watching animation on my laptop on a night in.
I love that small things, just like seeing flowers in my room is enough to lift me up in a day.
Becoming infuriated and angry at wrong-doings doesn’t always feel bad either, if you or people around you are being mistreated, I don’t always see what’s so wrong with being the one who acknowledges and acts on that. Too many evils have been left unchecked by people remaining silent.
I’m sure there are a lot of other things I could add to this, maybe I will when they come to mind but for now, the most important thing to remember would be, we are not just our illness and not everything is ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or needs to be ‘fixed’ maybe some of it is just ‘different’ and this world needs different.