So my mum and sister are at my dad’s house in another town since last night which leaves me and my brother at home (he’s still not awake…ahh the 16 year old life). I am still recuperating from my cold which means I have been stuffy in bed with tissues, pills and….okay well, I love the naps. Plus, I like the rain when I’m inside and cosy. These days I am trying to take responsibility for how I feel, so if I’m alone and bored, I figured it’s easily up to me to choose to do something that makes me happy and what can make one happier than studio ghibli movies? Although so many of them are soft, gooey movies that actually make you cry. I watched ‘When Marnie was there’ today and it was so cute, so I cried into my tissues, as if I didn’t use enough of those today.
Anyway, to the point! I noticed ‘child me’ ( or so I call her ) surfaced a little today after a long time. Not in a major way, but I was humming, I was happy and smiley in my child like innocent way. Now, I don’t know if other people can relate to that experience but I had periods of regression during my marriage that got to the stage where I could be behaving in a child like way for hours on end. My ex initially at times thought it was okay, but eventually got fed up of it. I remember once near the end of the marriage, smiling at him in what was a childlike fashion and he told me to ‘grow up’ and that it ‘was like being with a child’. Ouch. The common theme I’ve noticed with her is that she surfaces when I feel safe. As in, a loving relationship gave me room to ‘be safe’ and the interesting thing is, it was also when I wasn’t living at home. Despite all the difficulties I had in my marriage, in the beginning and during most of it, my ex did try really hard (as did I, but I was undiagnosed and untreated, sadly). I remember he encouraged me to paint, so I’d sit and paint and show him my work with a huge accomplished grin on my face and he’d smile and nod and told me it looked good. I also struggled to sleep alone. It’s interesting she’s surfaced today when my mums not home again. I know I was left to shoulder a lot of her burden growing up as she was depressed and stressed in our domestic violence home she’d talk to me about a lot of her woes. Maybe I couldn’t be enough of a child with her? I never had a safe house growing up, so maybe that’s why she comes up now. Or, it could be to do with not being close to my dad, which explains why it’s usually with a male who I feel happy or content around. My therapist last year told me that it was okay, and that lots of people can act childish when theyre in a loving relationship, think ‘pet names’ and ‘baby talk’ couples get into. But, I don’t know how I feel about it, in a way it makes me feel weird and broken. In another way, maybe with the right person, it won’t be such an issue?
I remember I was up late on the phone to my last ex once, (let’s just call him J from now for anyone who reads enough of my posts) and while we were talking at some point I had switched into a childlike voice and hadn’t even realised. He mentioned it that I was doing it right at that moment but he told me it was sweet and he found it cute. That made me feel like it was totally okay and relaxed me even more. She wasn’t there all the time. I’ve talked about her in therapy before, maybe I’ll talk about her again, but, I don’t think she’s ever going to ‘go’ away. I had resented her during my marriage and divorce for having clung to my ex the way she did. But, I guess, I don’t hate her, I try to love her. I don’t go into inner child work much anymore as the period when I did, it got really deep, I was journalling in a childs journal so she’d surface more, bought toys I enjoyed and tried to let her ‘free’ so to speak to heal, but it got too much, the hours of being that way I’m sure cannot be healthy. I guess I’m a little frightened of going too far into it. I think this is another thing to add to the list of things to talk about in therapy but, for today, she’s not doing any harm and well, we’re going to watch Ponyo now 🙂