I just have this feeling, since my post yesterday (turns out I’m actually ill all along and that has affected my moods!) about moving on from BPD, that I’m not so sure I fit the diagnosis anymore (yet another checklist of things to talk about in therapy).
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. It’s hard to say but, I didn’t do this in my last break up, and I don’t do this with friends or family. I don’t know if it’ll reappear but I’m going to go for a no.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. I don’t do this, I don’t idealise or devaluate anyone. I am choosy about who I like and then, well, I like them. I do struggle with my mum and sister at times, but those are well regulated, and well, there are issues they have of their own.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. I have found a lot of things I like, I watch movies on my own that I like, I know I have hobbies that have stuck with me, my religious affiliation has stuck with me for 6 years. It makes me so happy when I go out with my friend and I show her something I like and she says ‘that’s so you’. woohoo.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging.(e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). I don’t do any of these. I know I have poor boundaries when it comes to sex when I’m emotionally attached, so that’s something I’m working on in therapy. But it’s not impulsive.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, of selfmutilating behavior. Nope.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). This is the only I feel like I have, but even then, this past week it’s happened may not have been my BPD at all, I was actually coming down with something and am now recuperating!
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. No I don’t feel ’empty’ I do find it hard to live for myself, without close connection but I am learning. I can also more likely feel bored, than empty.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). I experience anger yes, I don’t experience constant anger, and it’s not frequent either.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Not anymore, because I don’t listen to it, and with check the facts, even the lesser paranoid ideation goes quickly as once I’ve checked, I let it go. I can feel a little paranoid about my manager at work, but that’s because she’s a ‘back seat’ boss who doesn’t really tell you what she thinks to your face so that could feed it, even then whatever will be, will be.