The experience of my day on Tuesday and Wednesday felt like the difference between day and night. I woke up on tuesday, ill and just not ready to face the world. I had taken Monday off but I think a part of me has just been exhausted. I struggled to get up and make my way to the office. Usually, by the time I’m out of the house I’m okay, or at the most by the time I’m in the office I’m okay and sociable, usually in a much better mood as I’m working with my colleague who I really like and can chat and work. But my brain was just not coming out of this grumpy state. I tried to radically accept it, I really did, from what I can remember I try and half smile while I’m working. Nothing was bringing me out of this funk. I even told my colleague that I was just in a ‘grump’ and I couldn’t snap out of it. I still got on with my work but my journey home was so much worse, because of a little rain in the UK, there are always delays for some reason so I got home an hour and half later. This means I have very little time in the evening. The only thing that kind of helped was my niece was around and that cutie makes me smile no matter how I felt but later on I was home alone for the night. I struggled to be able to sit by myself, I forced myself to take a relaxing bath and felt like I’d dissociate, I had to talk to myself ‘wash your hair, wash your body, get out’ because I could feel my mind running with too many thoughts, some of them scary. I really felt like my disorder defined me in that moment but I got out, had some warm milk and eventually came back to myself.
It’s days/hours like those that I still don’t know how to handle except moment by moment. The thing with BPD is, it doesn’t feel natural to do those nice things for yourself, and I’ll admit they didn’t even feel that great, in those moments they’re simply things that won’t make it worse, that I won’t regret the next day and I find comfort now knowing that even though I felt so bad I still chose self-loving choices. My problem is, I don’t want to have those days anymore, the days where nothings even happened and I can’t quite seem to climb out of it. It worries me, how can I have a family if I’m having days like that?
How would I even take care of a child when I’m struggling to take care of myself the whole day? For now, I’m just telling myself I am nowhere near having a child and things may well be different by then. I have heard women speak of the huge mental shifts having a baby has had on them, who knows, maybe knowing I have to be there for someone other than myself will be enough.
Now comparing this to yesterday, I woke up I have some more energy because I didn’t take quetiapine (Stopped it) despite having less sleep, the sun was out and I was good. When I got into work I was my usual sociable self and my journey home was smooth as smooth could be. I got home and I felt happy, I was chatting and laughing with my family most of the evening and I just felt free. It was as if there was no BPD at all.
It’s so weird that I’m experiencing moments in my life now where I feel like I’ve moved past BPD in some ways, mostly in the sense that, taking care of myself is a part of my life. I’m eating healthy, I’m exercising, I’m not angry. I asked my mum yesterday whether she thought I was ‘normal’ (not the best wording but the easiest way to get her to understand what I meant) and she said that I’m much better than before even when I do get angry I quickly calm down again. She’s probably noticed the moments where I felt angry and have then regulated myself (sometimes I’m literally checking the facts on my mobile with my mouth shut). Today, I was even looking up short distance hikes before I test out long-distance ones. The idea of being with myself in the sun and fields, and the positive effects it’s had on people (including accounts from those diagnosed with BPD) is encouraging and looking this up shows me I’m pushing past what I thought I could do in life and willing to try new things, on my own. I’m becoming interested in life. Yesterday, I had so many ideas of things I want to do, and I was truly excited.
But these moments — some of which I had today because I had to work despite not getting enough sleep and not feeling well, I just needed to be home resting, I struggled to focus all day and my eyes were barely open. Moments like these make me wonder whether that part of BPD will always stay with me and that makes me a little sad if that’s the case. They come out of nowhere and sometimes because of where I am (e.g. work) I’m limited in what I can do in terms of self-care. I can’t exactly snuggle up for a nap when I’m in the office for another 5 hours with an hour journey home.
I’m going to talk to my psych about it and really hope he can help me with this one because I don’t know what the solution is.