So today I got a call from the MH nurse who did my assessment to refer me to IMPACT, who I had been in touch with anyway but just had to go through these guys for no apparent reason to be referred to IMPACT. She told me that they will send me a letter and I have to respond by posting a letter response back and/or calling them (wasn’t too clear) that I am interested and committed to therapy (I would have thought that was a no brainer but apparently not. She said it’s because some people don’t follow through once therapy is actually set up for them and drop out etc.).
She did mention that when they received my referral the manager opted for me to be stepped down to ‘CBT’ instead of ‘DBT’ because I have had private therapy before and judged on my case. So before she hung up she asked me whether there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I said yes, there was and proceeded to get angry about a situation that I feel I should be rightly angry about. I said I work full-time and pay my taxes and just because I got help privately before (I didn’t say atm) I feel that is being used against me in getting the help I need NOW. Just because I have had ‘private’ help (which I struggled and went without so many other things and sacrified for) it doesn’t mean my diagnosis is any less valid, it doesn’t mean I can’t get help that is rightfully mine just as it should be for anyone struggling with mental health issues. She quickly assured me that’s not the case and that I can speak to them once I get the letter.
I will be negotiating with this manager, I have his name and I fully intend on letting him know that I know DBT is the specific treatment for BPD, the specialised treatment and I am not going to be wasting my time in a therapy that I have tried before, that wasn’t effective and isn’t the go to therapy for BPD. I don’t know why they’d bother to do that, but I’m glad I know my stuff. I will ask my psychologist and/or my psychiatrist to write the same thing to them if he tries to tell me that’s not a good idea. She mentioned psychodynamic therapy which I don’t care for either as I’ve had psychodynamic counselling and whilst it helped in times past, my psychologist is way better than whoever they’ll get me to meet and I don’t feel like hashing everything out to someone new AGAIN.
I’m trying to keep calm about it, I did get angry and rant a little to my family but I feel it’s justified. Oh and the wait is 3 months which is long but way better than other places from what I’ve heard it can be up to a year (?!) so I guess October time it is. The good news is once I start it’s weekly and can be anything between 16 – 32 weeks, that combined with my previous DBT means I would have 6 – 10 months of official DBT therapy not adding in my 6 months with my previous therapist and the sessions I’m doing with my psychologist. They say BPD can go into remission as early as after a year of therapy. So it means I’ll have hit my year target.
I’m struggling with my SLAA, I haven’t really been going to meetings or outreach and have been a little bitter about it. It seems since I’m making headway in all other areas of my life it feels unnatural to be so restrictive about the idea of opening up to love and progressing in that area of my life too. I think if I’m really honest seeing the picture of my best friend married (which made me so happy but at the same time makes me feel like I want that) and hearing that an old class mean girl who last year was worrying about finding the right man to marry is also now getting married in August has left me feeling a little left behind. I feel like other people get to worry about marriage and babies and some of them baby no 2. or moving into new places and I am here looking forward to abstinence, mental health battles everyday (Yes I am very healthy atm, but it is a daily fight), therapy and therapy appointments. I might be dramatising because I am in a bad mood, I do have other fun things in my life (hyper japan on sunday aaaahhh) and I am going to book time off work but, I guess I crave family and connection. But I realise it hasn’t even been 4 months since my ex and I broke up and next week I will be hitting a 60 day milestone of being sober in SLAA. So I figured I may as well stick with it, I am just going through my calendar and trying to pan out the rest of this year in terms of recovery. At least until October.
Here’s to hoping I can have a good recovery-focused rest of year.