Or should I say lack of it. *sigh*. I am starting to experience a solid resentment towards this SLAA program. I feel like I unwittingly signed myself up for a life bootcamp and took away the cookies, the jar and the whole damn sweet shop. I have been struggling with the lack of attachment and relationship, even though my ex is still on my mind. My connection with my most recent ex is what lingers on when I’m single, so I’m single and not-so-ready-to-mingle because I’m mentally still tormenting myself (sigh BPD you are such a…). But this morning on my way to work I started to realise that this is slowly fading, so instead of obsessing about him 500x it was more like 250, got to be progress right? (Please?)
While for the most part the past few months have been me missing some kind of romantic attachment – I have longed for the practical support, the social aspect, the highs and excitement of it all, I am now, perhaps, even more unfortunately, starting to miss the physical aspect. I will have to explain that this sucks quadruply for me as I don’t do anything, ahem, by myself. I also refuse to do anything with anyone who I’m not going to end up marrying, yes, old school style.
Why the self-torture? Put simply, I became religious at the age of 21 after a decade long search (literally started at the age of 11) and while I don’t put my views out there because I don’t want it to be a topic of debate- it Does mean I have to abstain.
On top of this, my BPD has subjected me to enough bad (terrible, nasty,) experiences some of which I had to hash over in therapy (and still they sting/make me cringe when I think of them) that I have now learnt that it’s better for me to be patient, take things slow and hold out. Also, call it an age thing or a change of heart but I love the idea of a romantic wedding night and ‘making love with the one’ I think it’s so sweet to wait and view sex as something precious and sacred between 2 people. Which I realise is the actual *me* and my *real value system* not my BPD talking.
But erm, my life has been far from that. While some borderliners choose substance abuse or self harm, I have used sex as a means of acting out, behaving in a risky/thrill seeking way and my attachment issues and emotionality simply meant I couldn’t take things slow even if I was in a relationship that was serious. The fact that its even more out of my control shows in the fact that this has been the case even after I committed to my religious views and to be chaste. Which has left me feeling wracked with guilt, wanting to self harm even more, unable to forgive myself and unable to own up to my past.
I have just sucked at times to hold out. Especially when feelings are involved.
I just think the self control program wasn’t installed in my brain.
So with thanks to these changes, I am now a nun. And is it just me or are the summer months that much harder?? I was physically craving to be with someone yesterday. It was tragic. I refuse to sleep with someone who I don’t have a meaningful, loving relationship with as it just means more pain and tears, and I’ve had enough of that. In my young angsty years I had slept with friends or guys who I knew wanted a relationship with me so that I felt at least a little cared about, but, it still meant I had no space in my life for the real thing. It also would leave me feeling an inner turmoil at the fact that I just couldn’t feel the same way about them.
I want the next time to be the right time, the only time, with someone who cares about me as much as I do them, BPD and all. Whether that’s ever going to exist for me is another story altogether.
The annoying thing is I know I can’t go dating again anytime soon. For one, nows not a great time to move from where I live. I have my work, my driving lessons, my therapy to be getting on with.
My psychologist was also in agreement with the fact that I can focus more on myself without the ups and downs of a relationship distracting me (guys, there’s a girl feeding her beau an icecream right next to me as I write this, how typical -.-) makes it that much more necessary for me to remain single right now. I just wish my brain, heart and nether regions would align themselves with this, damnit. I know a lot of it is BPD-related, just wanting to act out, just wanting a human soothing balm to distract me and take care of me. (Victim mentality? more like, here take every inch of my soul and make me happy 100% of the time, & don’t even dream about failing). It’s just one more thing I have to reign in, one more emotion/urge that I have to surf or control.
Hopefully some pilates in the garden will distract my one track mind a little.