So I did go over yesterday’s incident with my psychologist today and it helped me so much. I really feel like therapy is a crutch to help see me through the difficult world of life where I am not sure of my responses and I think I really am starting to draw on my healthy side much more often. Well, I recounted my ex friends personality and all the events that led me to this point and it was so reassuring to hear him agree with me and really affirm my intial thoughts about her. What I wasn’t so sure about was my response. After all, how do I know whether this is my BPD trying to break a relationship up or whether it really was a healthy decision? Usually I try to bring up some past experience to help me make that judgement but I’ve never experienced this before. Well lucky for me, he had his genius technique. He told me to think of my 2 minds again (which I had explained that BPD felt like having 2 minds) my healthy mind and destructive mind.
He asked me to think of my destructive mind and how I would have acted if I was acting from that state of mind. I told him I may have gotten angry or continued messaging her until she triggered me enough to make me angry, I wouldnt have sent the message that I did send which was actually thought out and not rude or harsh. So then he asked me – do I think it was my destructive mind or my healthy mind? I then realised, that it did come from my healthy mind making a healthy decision for my well-being and asserting a very clear boundary. Yes! (it actually came out that way in therapy and he laughed). In the end, I didn’t need his reassurance or his ‘OK’ that what I did was the ‘right’ thing, I was able to deduce it for myself. What’s even better about this is that I can use this in the future whenever I’m unsure. He said if I ever feel that way again it means I need to sit with myself and really think about which one I think it could be using this ‘healthy mind/destructive mind’ thought process.
I also got chatting to my colleague about which therapy would be best for her and she asked me if I mind sharing what I have and I finally said the words borderline personality disorder. I told her how it affected me, the rage, the mood swings, the emptiness and she related to a lot of it. She thanked me after for opening up and sharing my experience. It felt nice to not only be heard but to be thanked for it.
He also said that I could potentially become a psychologist if I am able to empathise and leave enough ‘space’ for the individual to share and open up about their issues. He said it’s not a diagnosis thing but rather he knows many psychologists who don’t have a diagnosis and are rubbish at it (lol). He also said in a way I could really help people because I would have that shared experience of what they’re going through. So I’m so happy I can start exploring a Masters in Psychology pretty soon 🙂 I’m going to look at volunteering first for a helpline to see whether emotionally and mentally I can really do this. I really hope so. It’s been a dormant dream for years and I really want to go on to help people just like me.