I didn’t post for a few days, which is nice means I had enough of a life going on! (hehe). Well, I went shopping on Friday and shopping and for a meal with my friend yesterday which is always fun. My green superfood powder and frozen veggies and fruits came through yesterday so I am now on the smoothie thing! I feel happy I can finally start taking care of my health properly, although I still haven’t started exercising in any way.
My SLAA program was thrown off a little the past two weeks, I didn’t get to speak to my sponsor and it was weird but I could tell the difference, a part of me felt like jumping back into dating because she’s ‘gone anyway’ and there was no point in carrying on with it. It’s amazing me how I have this addictive pattern and I didn’t even realise the extent of it for so long. I am so glad I will get a chance to speak to her today and get back on it.
Today I have been musing about the concept of mental and emotional energy, more specifically mine and how others can suck it dry from me and/or help me harness it. I didn’t know about my own energy or my ability to empathise and/or how much borderlines are capable of giving. The negative media monsters always portray a self absorbed attention craving monster. Well, I shall let you know that there is a total flip side of BPD where we are able to give and give without even a thought of receiving and feel other’s emotions and pick up on their energies to such an extent that is way more than most nons. It can leave us feeling drained, exhausted, snappy, feeling like we need to isolate and so much more. I didn’t even realise I had this part of me, or that it was different until I got into therapy and my therapist had explained to me that I was an ’empath’.
The reason Im bringing this up is because I have done something that I have found really difficult but I know I need to. I blocked my attention seeking friend because the slow fade didn’t work. She kept messaging me forwards to get my attention and then messages like ‘I miss my sis :(‘ or ‘have you forgotten about me :(‘ etc. and last night, in the dramatic fashion that so befits her wrote me a message saying ‘Bye I feel like you dont want to keep in touch, please pray for me and my baby ever since ive had a stroke i can’t drive and I have learnt so much from you thank you so much..xxxx’. I can see how she mentioned the stroke thing to get me to feel sorry for her and to immediately come to her rescue. In the past, we could skip talking for months and she would call me with some crisis or another fully knowing that I would listen and empathise and be there for her. It really doesn’t matter how I am or what I’m going through. I know if I thought someone was cutting me off the last thing I’d do is reveal my biggest crisis I’m going through. I mean I didnt message back saying ‘Im so ill, Ive had an eating disorder, I got diagnosed Im on meds pray for me’ it’s just not the way to relate to people. She has no concept of boundaries and it is all about her. I realise now she just drains me for my energy. I am trying to battle the feelings of guilt because that’s what she tugs at. She tries to get my sympathy knowing I am a kind person who will listen. I’m tired of selfish friends. I have friends who message me when they’re down of course, it’s not like I don’t want to be there for people. My other friend messaged me and told me about her parents having problems and she would still find time to ask about me, my family, how I am. And I never feel that sinking, drained feeling with her. It’s meant to be 2-way but I feel like she was just a needy child who wanted me for my energy and to regulate her. And I refuse now, I’m tired and I have problems too, just like everyone else does.
I am fighting with the guilty feeling and breaking through old patterns as I don’t think I would have had the strength to do this before. I’m so glad I can hash this out in therapy tomorrow because I need some perspective.