borderline personality disorder · bpd · mental health · sex and love addiction

I’m doing things I haven’t done before.

I realised a couple of days after my last post on ‘BPD being a well kept secret’ that the ‘strange’ feeling was actually that of a kind of hypocrisy and belittling of myself and of those who have the diagnosis. Since I’ve started this blog I have had nothing but kind responses and I realised that not everyone is ‘out to get’ people with Mental illnesses. More specifically those with BPD. And perhaps, even more specifically, myself. I mean I’d read blogs all day where people are getting so much encouragement from their readers but to personally experience it means a lot and opened me up to feeling more connected to others, even though it’s just online (thanks, guys).

I felt bad for not allowing people in my ‘real life’ to even have the chance to be supportive or to share their own struggles by showing them that I am someone who encourages and welcomes mental health dialogue. So, I told someone 🙂 I have been lucky in that my new colleagues are so laid back and welcoming and in particular the 2 ladies I work closely with. I have been talking a lot with 1 of them as we work which is fun and makes time pass. Well, I ended up telling her I am on anti-psychotics, I told her it’s helped straighten out my mood and I told her I have a mental health diagnosis. So I didn’t say the words BPD but admitting it and being fine with telling her is a huge step in what I feel is the right direction. It also felt great because she then opened up about struggling with severe depression earlier this year, and true to mental illness, her face would never have shown such a thing today, she is 1 of the most smiliest (should be a word), sweetest people in the whole office. Mental health really doesn’t have a ‘stock image’. On top of this, I have decided I will tell 3 more of my friends when I meet them too and I feel good about this decision.

I also have been tackling my SLAA addiction as I am starting to firmly believe that part of it is due to a lack of positive reinforcers in my life, aka. I’m bored, or not expanding my horizons, or refusing to connect with friends or new people I come across. Instead I was opting for dating and romance as my only way of stimulation, or socialising. So, I did what the DBT addiction worksheet said, which was to create new relationships or positive experiences. I decided to ask this colleague if she wanted to go out for lunch next week and she said yes, I am usually shy to ask things like that but it was nice to push myself a little out of my comfort zone. And the best thing is, I am actually looking forward to it and to having maybe another good friend in my life. I also emailed asking about the mental health and creativity group and I am going to push myself again to go at least once to see how it is and if I could enjoy myself there. I made plans to go to my sisters after work today as I usually just go straight home saying I’m too tired but I realise now I need to schedule time in for socialisation and some fun even if it’s just a little.

I am also going to try and try to get some kind of physical activity in soon.

Feeling happy 🙂

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2 thoughts on “I’m doing things I haven’t done before.

  1. Yeah, the online thing is really good. I’m lucky in that I have some very close friends and family that I have in my support system. I’m a lot more cautious about work, however. There are some things that I do not say to some people depending on the situation. Part of my issues have been that I put myself too much out there. There’s a balance that I have to keep in mind for myself. Even though I have a very good workplace. Keeping the right work/life life/work balance and boundaries and good boundaries for each is always a challenge that I face.

    That’s also a reason I decided to be very anonymous in my blogging. So that I could give myself the freedom to express and the disassociation to be in a “safe” place online.

    Sometimes it’s not so much as protecting myself, but realizing that some people, most people, cannot or do not want to deal with my issues. That’s why I have a support system and professional help. It’s a very fine distinction for me, since my personal paranoia runs very subtle and background. Sometimes people just need time to build the relationships that I want to rush into too quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

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