One of the things I love about therapy is that you don’t only analyse yourself but you are able to some extent look at the mental state of other people who you may be interacting with during the week. In my latest session we looked a little at my sister.
I have known she has some things going on herself but it was so refreshing to hear from my psychologist the way that she may be causing tension in the house and in my relationship with her. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to hear my psychologist bitching about everyone in my family, what I mean is, ever since I realised I had some kind of issue I have 90% of the time just assumed it’s my fault, or if it’s not my fault that I have somehow aggravated things or escalated them to the point where it becomes my fault. I am so quick to apologise, or try to fix things, that I have rarely considered where the other person may be contributing and is in fact, refusing to make things more peaceful.
This happens to be the situation with my youngest sister, who, despite knowing about my BPD whenever I am tense or agitated or annoyed she takes it very personally (even if it’s not just about her) or tells me there’s no need for my anger, or takes whoever else’s ‘side’ (even if it’s just a simple disagreement and not an argument). He told me it seems she is able to manipulate situations to make it about her, and this has happened many times.
I am so happy and feel a little more ‘recovered’ from an incident last night that I handled well despite it being so challenging. I had been low on sleep for about 4 days and with my Quetiapine which makes me drowsy I was in bed by 11:00 waiting to fall asleep as I had work today, but my idiot neighbour decided sunday night was a good time to keep playing music just because he doesn’t work traditional office hours. So I went to my brothers room and she decided she wants to sleep there even though she actually sleeps in my mums room. So I told her I’d like to sleep there as in my room I’m getting disturbed and I have work in the morning. She told me she wants to sleep there and doesn’t want to move. Baring in mind I was so tired my eyes were barely open, I had a headache and in DBT factors like ‘tiredness’ are what make you more vulnerable to acting out. I told her she doesn’t have work or anything to get up for and that she can sleep there any other night. She still refused to move. It just amazes me that at the age of 21 she can still act like a spoilt teenager with such little consideration for me. These are the kinds of moments where I verbally explode and you can see how someone would understand that it’s not entirely irrational either.
Somehow, somehow, I grit my teeth and maybe in a half hopeless, half tired and desperate way managed to say ‘I wish that for once, just for once you were able to see my point of view.’ I think this came from a place where I was so tired of fighting for a simple shred of empathy from her. But it worked. She got up and moved and I was able to sleep there.
I just realise now that despite having BPD, it’s not always my fault, it’s not always going to be me making things difficult and that it’s always, a 2 way thing. Yes, I may struggle, I am not perfect, sometimes I will be irrationally mad (and Lord knows I’m holding my breath about 20 times a day waiting for trains and buses that are way later than they’re meant to be to keep from throwing an adult tantrum). I am happy I am getting more perspective, there are other mental health concerns apart from BPD or even things that come under an official diagnosis. Other people also bring their pasts and mental states to the relationship and sometimes it helps you and sometimes, it really makes your life harder. I am holding onto myself and remembering I am only responsible for my share and I refuse to let difficult people or situations push me to behave in ways that I won’t be proud of.
Take care, folks xxxx