Was a genuine question I was asked today. As if the ‘skinny’ comments were not enough. The thing is, I still don’t think I am THAT skinny, as I have been surverying women more lately (I don’t remember ever doing this) I notice their thighs and if they’re slimmer than mine. And yes, I have seen women the same height and they’re much slimmer than me, I wonder, do they get comments too? If they can be slim surely I can be too?
I apologise if this isn’t projecting body positivity or a healthy message, I just want to relate my experience today. I was told I was too ‘slim’ again so I stuck up for myself and said I like the way that I am and that I am HAPPY with myself. I also said it’s a personal thing (aka my business). But she looked at me and asked me whether I was puking up my food, to which I said, are you asking me if I have an eating disorder? I didn’t expect her to straight up say yes, but she did. She then said ‘or if it’s getting to that stage.’
I said no, no it’s not and that I’m fine. Although in my head the train of thought was more like ‘well even if it was I wouldn’t flat out admit it like that anyway!’. The thing is, I know her and I know she wasn’t trying to be mean or a bitch or anything like that, I think she was genuinely concerned but it was just done in the worst way.
I’m not going to lie, I put on a couple of pounds and even though I’m still underweight, I hate that I did. I’ve thought about exercising. I HATE exercising, but I’ve looked up high calorie burning exercises and how I’m going to do that and how no one will know and screw them and what they think, I will be as slim as I want, damnit.
I have NO idea how I got into this loop, but I do know that somewhere deep down, this doesn’t have to do with food, or weight, or calories as much as it sounds. I just don’t know what else it does have to do with. Sure, I like the way I look when I’m slimmer but since when did I get that superficial or reliant on my weight? I have never had that issue before, in the past there were times I would get closer to the next dress size up, my jeans would be snugger and all of that good stuff and I really didn’t care. I don’t know what’s changed.
Thankfully, I have a beautiful friend who I spoke to on the phone and she affirmed that it seems a lot of these comments have to do with their own insecurity. I could safely tell her that while I don’t think I have an eating disorder (to be discussed with my psychologist soon) I was dreading getting to a healthy weight because it meant putting weight on. She is so validating in that all she did was mirror back what I said to ensure she understood and that was it. No judgement, no advice, no ‘suggestions.’ Sometimes, all you need is for someone to hear you and contain that. I am lucky to have her.
I want to add that I am genuinely trying, I don’t agree with this mentality or with restricting behaviours at all. I’ve had a lot of water today, and just made a fruit and veg smoothie to make sure I try to stay physically and mentally healthy by giving my body what it needs. I am sure with therapy this can be worked through.