body image · borderline personality disorder · mental health

‘Are you puking up your food?’

Was a genuine question I was asked today. As if the ‘skinny’ comments were not enough. The thing is, I still don’t think I am THAT skinny, as I have been surverying women more lately (I don’t remember ever doing this) I notice their thighs and if they’re slimmer than mine. And yes, I have seen women the same height and they’re much slimmer than me, I wonder, do they get comments too? If they can be slim surely I can be too?

I apologise if this isn’t projecting body positivity or a healthy message, I just want to relate my experience today. I was told I was too ‘slim’ again so I stuck up for myself and said I like the way that I am and that I am HAPPY with myself. I also said it’s a personal thing (aka my business). But she looked at me and asked me whether I was puking up my food, to which I said, are you asking me if I have an eating disorder? I didn’t expect her to straight up say yes, but she did. She then said ‘or if it’s getting to that stage.’

I said no, no it’s not and that I’m fine. Although in my head the train of thought was more like ‘well even if it was I wouldn’t flat out admit it like that anyway!’. The thing is, I know her and I know she wasn’t trying to be mean or a bitch or anything like that, I think she was genuinely concerned but it was just done in the worst way.

I’m not going to lie, I put on a couple of pounds and even though I’m still underweight, I hate that I did. I’ve thought about exercising. I HATE exercising, but I’ve looked up high calorie burning exercises and how I’m going to do that and how no one will know and screw them and what they think, I will be as slim as I want, damnit.

I have NO idea how I got into this loop, but I do know that somewhere deep down, this doesn’t have to do with food, or weight, or calories as much as it sounds. I just don’t know what else it does have to do with. Sure, I like the way I look when I’m slimmer but since when did I get that superficial or reliant on my weight? I have never had that issue before, in the past there were times I would get closer to the next dress size up, my jeans would be snugger and all of that good stuff and I really didn’t care. I don’t know what’s changed.

Thankfully, I have a beautiful friend who I spoke to on the phone and she affirmed that it seems a lot of these comments have to do with their own insecurity. I could safely tell her that while I don’t think I have an eating disorder (to be discussed with my psychologist soon) I was dreading getting to a healthy weight because it meant putting weight on. She is so validating in that all she did was mirror back what I said to ensure she understood and that was it. No judgement, no advice, no ‘suggestions.’ Sometimes, all you need is for someone to hear you and contain that. I am lucky to have her.

I want to add that I am genuinely trying, I don’t agree with this mentality or with restricting behaviours at all. I’ve had a lot of water today, and just made a fruit and veg smoothie to make sure I try to stay physically and mentally healthy by giving my body what it needs. I am sure with therapy this can be worked through.

 

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5 thoughts on “‘Are you puking up your food?’

  1. I hate this! I used to get comments like this in highschool. I’m still the same size now but maybe people are smarter? Or maybe they just don’t care anymore. I don’t think some people understand that some people are just naturally skinny and that’s it. It exists. The same way people are naturally thicker or have more fat on them and we’re told to be body positive and stop fat-shaming. Stop skinny shaming! It’s so old!!
    Stop by my space sometime?
    Mena
    femmerwritten.com 🌻✨

    Liked by 1 person

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