So an interaction today got me thinking even more about this feeling I’ve been getting the past few weeks and that is of the burden and size of my secret. I have only told 2 friends of mine that I have BPD, other friends at work, from school, still have no idea. At first, I was fine with it and wanted it this way. But now, I’m starting to feel stranger and stranger.
It was a colleague/friend of mine who bumped into me after about half a year. We work in the same place but in different areas so we don’t see eachother often anymore. So he asked me all the questions about my life, my family. He’s a nice, funny guy so I don’t feel awkward talking to him and sharing all the happenings of my life. I told him how I’d been to Scotland earlier this year, how we both loved it, about my niece (she wasn’t born the last time we’d met) all the good stuff, and I found out the same in return. I mentioned I was on new medication that makes me drowsy so I was off work for a while but I just couldn’t bring myself to share what it was for and I couldn’t reveal my diagnosis.
This thought hit me in that moment, if I told him I have been diagnosed with BPD how would he see me? Would he see me differently? I suspect it does naturally make someone see you in a new light. Would he think I’m ‘crazy?’ Would he talk to me differently? I just couldn’t share this part of me. And this part of me is such a huge part of my life that I feel like I’m truly not letting these people into something that means so much to me. Whether I like it or not, BPD influences my life majorly. All the appointments, the medication, the therapy, the professionals I have to meet, the work I do at home. I read or listen to BPD related things everyday, most of the time it’s all I do with my spare time. I’m becoming a real self-taught expert it seems. And yet, my ‘friends’ have no idea.
I caught up with another friend of mine at work yesterday who I hadn’t seen because of my time off. It was great catching up with her and we arranged future lunch plans and it felt strange again. Mostly because I know she is a very open minded and caring person. She knows another colleague has bi-polar disorder and thought nothing of it. I told her I was on meds too to which she asked if she could know why, I was comfortable enough to tell her it was to even out my ‘moods’ which is true, but I didn’t share the whole picture. Do I just not trust in people? I feel like the negative stigma has really fed into me this way, I feel like I can be so accepting of others with mental health ‘issues’ and yet I suspect other people and their ability to do the same for me. It’s a really bizarre feeling and I don’t quite know what I want to do about it, whether there is even something to do. Does it mean I want to share it? What would that even achieve for me? I have no idea, quite frankly I’m too tired to even think about it in depth these days but it’s just something I needed to get off my chest.