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I feel like I don’t deserve it.

So I may be getting an interview for the work from home ESL jobs I applied for, I’ve sent them my certificates and am awaiting for an interview time. I have decided I’m going to use DBT skills again to see me through the online interview no matter how nervous I am. I realised that this position could give me good money working alongside my other new job. In fact, if I continue doing this and build up to enough students I can leave that job altogether and make more money than I ever have and do it from home.

The thing is it’s not even that much in terms of I’m not going to be stinking rich and buying cars anytime soon. It’s just that I will be making enough for my family to stop worrying at last. Financial struggle is all my mums ever known and when I was growing up at 16 I became a straight A student despite my struggles and proceeded to go the University I wanted to go to to become a psychologist (Oh, the irony, BUT I may yet continue this dream – that’s another post for another day) and support them at last.

When I sent off the documents today I had this really weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, an uncomfortable feeling and I realised, deep down, I feel like I don’t deserve it. I tried to shake it off telling myself loads of people are making way more than me, I’m not becoming a millionaire but it didn’t work. It didn’t work because that’s not the real issue. The fact is, I feel like I don’t deserve to finally not be struggling financially. I feel uncomfortable getting something good in my life. I don’t know if I expect to mess it up and that’s why but I don’t think it’s that. I know this is part of my BPD coming into play as we’re so used to doing destructive things to ourselves and others that we’re usually spending our time feeling guilty and repairing damage. I’ve never been well enough to finally have some peace in my life and to finally make plans come together like I do now.

I would never even allow someone else to think or feel they don’t deserve happiness, even if I didn’t like them. All humans beings are on an equal playing field and they all deserve the good that they strive to make happen. After all if you’re putting in the effort to study, get the grades, go to the interviews, you deserve the job based on your performance just as much as the next person, so why can’t I allow that to be true for me?

I have always had issues with self-esteem (go figure) and this is part of the reason I felt CBT didn’t work for me is because I know I have these deep seated beliefs/cognitions. But knowing that just didn’t do anything for me. I know that I should allow myself a good opportunity and I’m going to try my best to make it happen but I hate this awkward feeling. Like I’m doing something so foreign. Like someone like me couldn’t possibly be doing well and potentially improving. I noticed something similar with my ex, he was handsome (a fact I used to appreciate every time I looked at him), kind, successful in his business, had good morals the works. And I kept thinking ‘what the heck does he see in me? On top of that why on earth is he attracted to me even after all the BPD nightmare stories I’ve told him about?’ He knew I was in therapy, he knew I could get angry, all of my past and yet there he was still in love. It was baffling to me. While other people would appreciate it and go with it, I tried but I was confused all along.

I always used to pick people I didn’t find attractive (not necessarily physically here I’m not that shallow I mean in personality as well) or those who didn’t work as hard as me, or didn’t share the same morals as me. I guess because I felt like I didn’t deserve the type of person I truly wanted. I’m trying to hold out now and I sincerely hope that if it does come around I allow it into my life.

My eyes almost welled up when I saw a post from another BPD’er and the response it got.

”….He tells me he believes me when I tell him I don’t want to feel this way, and he tells me I shouldn’t be frustrated with myself if I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be and that I’m very well-adjusted for a borderline.

I feel like he’s too good for me. He deserves someone better, or at least someone who fits to him better than I do. I feel like I’m never going to go anywhere from here and I don’t want him to get stuck with or resent me”.

A reply in the comments read:

”As a non that is struggling worse than I can put into words because someone went back to an abusive relationship in large part because of feeling that I deserved better, that they weren’t good enough…please. please. please. please. please. Let him love you. Don’t think FOR him and let HIM tell you that he loves you. AND BELIVE IT! 😀 Hope things get better!”

For someone without BPD to have the heart to love us, why do I feel like they’re doing us a favour? Why can’t I accept that there are good things about me too? I’m sure there are great things about the person who posted this and yet, maybe all the stigma really has gone to my brain. Like we should be extra grateful than some other people (although I do realise that many others with MH issues may also feel this way).

Why am I struggling to accept that good things can happen to me just like everyone else? For once I’m at a loss as to how to counter-act this, we haven’t done it in DBT and I haven’t ever addressed it in therapy. If anyone has any tips I would love to hear from you.

For now I guess I’m just going to argue back to that voice and pretend that I do deserve it just like everyone else.

 

 

 

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