So my seroquel at the moment has been giving me weird nightmares and dreams. I remember them in the morning and dream every night. I didn’t have that before so I know it’s from the meds. I also feel like I’m not crashing in my moods in the evenings. Like I feel better all day. Before the Seroquel I would be pretty okay in the mornings and afternoons just busy doing things but then I’d get down in the evenings and sometimes be battling depression and the urge to act out. But I haven’t had that in a long time, my moods pretty even. I don’t know if it’s just because of where I am at in my daily life atm (not much is triggering me) or if it’s because I genuinely am better on the Seroquel.
However it did nothing so far for my intrusive thoughts, the constant music calmed a little but I am constantly having extra thoughts on the side as well as my inner monologue. So I asked my GP last week to up it and he didn’t.
Disclaimer: what I did next was stupid but I knew from my psych report I can be titrated up to 300mg. Don’t copy me.
I took a double dose last night and upped myself to 200mg. I’m going to book an appt in about a week and tell them that I’ve done this if it’s been helpful. I had really bad restless leg syndrome on this dose last night, I didn’t sleep and was up past 2am. I caved eventually and went downstairs ate a banana as I felt really faint (maybe my blood sugar dropped even lower?) I was sure I was going to collapse, but instead managed to sit and research what I could do about the annoying feeling in my feet and found some people recommended eating a banana! I think it actually worked as I managed to sleep after 3am. I think the dose really knocked me out as I got up at 2pm today.
Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve gone through my DBT (I had been going through the IE module everyday bit by bit) and I feel bad because I have all this spare time on my hands and I’m not using it. I’m also not sure if it’s because I just feel good? So today I’m picking one that kind of applies to me at the moment as I learn the best this way:
It’s on acting dialectically. I’m going to pick a situation with my sister at the moment, she has decided to go on a water fast and is on day 3. I don’t agree with this as I think it’s bad for her health. It’s not a major example but they said to start small so that you’re prepared for trickier situations.
Ask wise mind what am I missing? She is an adult who is responsible for her own health and is within her rights to do that if she pleases.
Let go of extremes: use both / and – She has the right to go on this fast if she pleases and I have the right to disagree as I am concerned for her health.
Find the truth in the other side: She did say she will eat if she doesn’t feel well. She looked up and did research before embarking on this. She has armed herself with information.
Balance opposites: Validate both sides when you disagree: I looked at the other page that has ‘examples of opposite sides that can both be true’ and it has : You can have a disagreement with somebody AND also be friends. I can disagree with her and continue to have a good, close relationship with my sister.
Embrace change: Practice radical acceptance of change when rules, circumstances, people, and relationships change in ways you don’t like. She has made a change I don’t like. It is a circumstance I don’t like but I accept it anyway.
Pay attention to your effect on others and how they affect you: If I remain open and positive with her and kind she will continue to respond in kind to me.
Practice letting go of blame by looking for how your own and other’s behaviours are caused by many interactions over time. Remind myself that all things including behaviours are caused. In her case, she wants to improve her body image. She is planning on getting engaged soon and wants to look in good shape for that. Her behaviour is caused by many motivations and events.
I don’t agree with her, (validation doesn’t mean you have to agree). Validation doesn’t mean you like it, (which is good because I don’t). I acknowledge that her behaviours have causes and are therefore understandable.(I.e. she wants to lose weight).
Finding the kernel of truth in a situation: – It is helping her lose weight, she has lost some.
It is important to validate: A person’s thoughts/beliefs/opinions about something – I can see she feels strongly that it will help her. She believes it is a good way of going about it. She has the opinion that it is not dangerous or unhealthy and is beneficial. I can validate that.
I already feel better as I’ve written this. I can still be close to her. I can understand her. One or the other of us doesn’t have to be ‘right’. It doesn’t make me ‘wrong’. (This might sound like a no brainer to some people but with BPD our black and white thinking means we can be quite ‘rigid’ in our opinions and ideas). It doesn’t make her ‘wrong’. I don’t agree and it’s OK. I can radically accept she’s doing something I dislike and that she has her own reasons for doing that. I feel like it provides so much flexibility thinking this way. I’m going to continue spending time in a positive way with her and remember that I have an effect on others and how they affect me in kind. If I’m happy and kind to her she will be influenced by that too and hopefully the same back.