As in Bullshit people. I am officially letting go of an old friend & no I do not feel guilty about it. (+ Haha – you know you’re crazy when you had to get onto your laptop at 23:58 to write this down).
I think that for anyone to understand this I need to give some back story: I lived in another city when I was married and made many friends there. During my divorce two years ago I moved back to London and a gym buddy got in touch with me asking me where I was at how come I’m not showing up at gym (we would go together nearly every day). She soon realised something was wrong and I explained I was getting divorced. She came down to see me and we got even closer as a result. Now as we were hanging out I thought she was lots of fun, we’d go to events together, have sleep overs, watch movies and I was going back and forth to hers to stay. But then, during this time I started to notice behaviours I didn’t like and also boundaries being crossed that I didn’t appreciate. I also suspect that she has BPD (people with BPD tend to be able to notice the behaviours in others) & I mean I don’t hate her for that obviously – I have it myself – it’s just that hers manifests in a lot more of an extroverted and difficult to handle manner than my own. I also believe she is one who would deny it/not notice it even if someone did point it out.
So some of the things she did that made it problematic to hang out with her: when we were out she would almost always have road rage, swearing and yelling at people on the road. This unnerved me and I didn’t appreciate it being a feature every single time we were on the road. She would almost always end up in some kind of an argument with someone, a shop keeper, teacher of a class, etc. at first I used to agree with her and defend her position, after a while I just grew weary of it. I want to enjoy my time out not get into constant verbal fights. She also used to get herself into situations with toxic people and then cry and rage about it. For example, her family are douchebags who never stayed in touch with her and treated her badly. One time while we were out she was invited to go visit one of the members who she did get on with who had had a baby at a hospital near where we were. She was wary as there were going to be other family members she didn’t like there so there’d be a possibility for conflict. Now personally, if this was the case, I hate drama so I would have politely declined and/or offered to come and see the baby at a time when the other family members aren’t there to avoid a fight. Instead, she went (I stayed in the car as I didn’t care for getting into a tricky situation with her, I’m not going to be an alibi to drama) and sure enough an hour later she came out telling me how I should have gone with her to defend her and get in the fight with her because sure enough she had had a fight with a family member. She then spent the next few hours of our time together calling people crying and screaming about their behaviour. I do agree that the family member was out of line, but I also feel if you’re going to put yourself in a situation like that, what else did she expect? She basically attracted the drama to herself. (Needless to say I didn’t have much fun during this time).
The more hurtful behaviours and the main reason I am cutting her out I have spoken about with my previous therapist who suggested I could keep her at a distance but I no longer have the energy even for that. (More on that further down). This ‘friend’ would constantly redirect situations going on in my life and make it about her.
Just one example of this? I had had a break up last year and when I told her about it, relaying the event my feelings etc. all she did was bring it back around to how it felt the same as the time she had been broken up with, what had happened to her then. (See that redirection?) The night it had happened I had called her and she kept asking me ‘if I wanted to go out to cheer up’, ‘I should come out’, ‘she can come and get me’ (literally rephrasing it several times). I don’t handle tough times by going out, I stay in my house and retreat, I’m an introvert and that’s just how I deal with it. I was in no state of mind to go anywhere I just needed a listening ear, but she just couldn’t seem to understand or respect that or care to understand that. She just wanted to hang.
I had planned to go out with a guy I was dating once with her and my sister to a restaurant so that he could meet them for the first time. I told her she could drive down and come for dinner but I explicitly stated on the phone before I had left the house that I would be going home with him and my sister as we’re going to see a flat so I can’t hang out with her after. She said that’s fine. Was it? Of course not. Once we’d had our meal she kept telling me to come with her, how she can drop me home. She even said he can go home on his own and she would drop me and my sister (she was in the early stages in a relationship and wanted to gush over all the details with me). It’s like I hadn’t even said those words. I declined several times and went to see the flat with him. It’s just annoying that she didn’t process or want to process my boundaries.
She would also message me saying hi how are you? I’ve been thinking about you..etc. and the minute I would reply and say I’m fine she would then message me about whatever she wanted to talk about which was the real reason why she had said hi, not really to ask about me and what’s going on in my life.
Fast forward to now and she has taken it upon herself to bombard me with whatsapp forwards several times a day. It’s attention seeking behaviour and I know it because when I don’t respond or even open them up she then messages me ‘I don’t hear from you anymore’. I have been doing this for months. I have literally stopped messaging or making plans and can’t remember the last time we met up, sometime last year I think. And yet, she is STILL doing this.
The thing is, I don’t know how to break up with such a friend, I don’t want to get into the details explaining why and I don’t want to fix it. I simply don’t want to stay in touch. I have had friends do this to me. Since my move, I messaged a friend from the other city and she didn’t reply and I just understood that with time and distance, some friendships fizzle out, you know you won’t be meeting each other anymore or that person doesn’t want to continue contact. It hurt of course, with some people more than others, but they’re not obligated to be my friend. I can’t force myself onto them. I just don’t understand why she still hasn’t got that but now I don’t care.
I read a few articles and I liked one that said life is too short to waste pretending to like someone. Pretending to be friends with someone even if they are nice it doesn’t mean you have to be friends with a person. That it’s okay to not be friends with people anymore, I am an adult and can choose my friends and if someone is draining me I don’t need to put up with it. So I am letting go of the guilt and I am choosing to not reply, not to feel obligated to, and to let go. I am not breaking my moral values as I think it’s okay to not be friends with someone if you don’t want to be, so any guilt I feel is injustified guilt.
Bye Bye to her drama.