mental health · sex and love addiction

Outdated beliefs on relationships & love.

Okay so this post might be a little bit cheesy but it is all very true and it helped me last time when I wrote some of my new values down. I found ever since I did that and I was faced with situations that related to any of the values, I was able to recall my new value and act in line with that. So I am hoping writing this down will be therapeutic and help me live in line with this.

I am going to outline here that I am asian and there are a LOT of things about my culture that I detest. I have talked about some of those things in therapy where even my therapist has rolled her eyes at some of the dated concepts in my culture. I mention this because I feel like some of my old ideas about relationships/love/women may well have been a result of cultural influence/unconscious expectations and values. So these values and beliefs are my opposing and rejection of those ideas that were put upon me since birth.

  • I don’t need someone to ‘witness’ my life. Me experiencing my life is enough. Me living out my days in ways I enjoy, engaging in things I enjoy does not mean I am ‘lacking’ something because somebody is not witnessing it. I am the witness to my own life. Myself and God. Life is way too short to be in waiting, my days are numbered, I should be spending them enjoying them, not pining away.

 

  • You do not ‘need’ a man for anything. That may have been the idea culturally, or a long time ago, but it does not count for me today. I didn’t need brothers or a father or a husband the way everyone brainwashed into me from a young age. I have seen myself through the worst of all the times in my life, all the heartbreaks and career changes, studying moves, moves across the country, I have been enough. And I am enough. Just the way every woman is enough for herself to see herself through her life. It is nice to have men in your life to support you and keep you safe but if they are not there, it is not the end.

 

  • I am not ‘helpless’ as a woman in life. I am an adult woman with the physical, mental, and social capabilities to see myself through life just like any another adult. Women are not ‘helpless’ dainty beings that need saving from the ‘world’ or difficulties by men. I am fully capable of seeing to my life myself and helping myself.

These ideas are dated, and may have counted before but do not count today. Nor do they count for me. It may be culturally expected to ‘need a man’ or ‘want marriage’ but that is not true for me. I don’t care if I do not get married at the ‘right’ age (I’m already getting ‘late’ in this area). I will marry when I meet someone worth marrying who I love and for love. The reality is, there is no age limit to love or marriage and I will hold out for the right person. The one who understands me just as much as I understand him.

  • My life still has importance regardless of whether I am a single woman, married, in a relationship/never looking ever again. My life value is not determined by whether or not I have managed to become attached to someone else! Women are capable of and should be recognised for so much more. There are good things about being a wife, and rewards that come with this yes, but it is by no means the only means to feel a sense of joy, accomplishment, or meaning in life. Women have done and continue to do amazing things even those who have spent their lives single. There are women scholars who contributed to society without ever getting married or having children. There are women nurses who helped society and spent their lives single. There are women who have dedicated their lives to spiritual aims without needing a relationship. Being a wife is in no way the only role or important role a woman can take up in the world. It is not the be all and end all sole goal or destination of a wife. I’m not sure where I picked up this message or how it has been unconsciously ingrained into my brain, but I’m calling BS on it and bringing into my conscious awareness a value and belief that I believe is right for me and a concept I agree with. AKA. I can kick ass in life on my own.

 

  • I touched on this before, but I also call BS on the cringey happily ever after and ‘the end’ once relationships start and marriage. Life is not over. That is not all women or girls have ever dreamed of and then they sail into blissful oblivion. Life is a process ending in death not in me meeting someone else. (Even death is faced alone). There will be challenges in my life and in theirs, there will be challenges that you may or may not end up seeing through together. You may end up leaving each other as a result of those challenges, or you may work through it together, this says nothing about me as a person except whether I act according to my values in that process. I am no less of a person because of breaking up with people or ending of relationships. It is sometimes, a necessary process of growth. Life is the meeting of people and learning through this process. People come in and out for a reason, they all teach us and serve a purpose. Their presence is in your life for as long as it is necessary and beneficial. It may be a real possibility I fall in love again and they do leave. That is a part of life. It does not make me a bad person, it does not make me ‘less than’ anyone. Sometimes an amicable, mutual parting of ways is necessary. I can still be a good person. People can break up and still be good people. There does not have to a villain. I am not a leper of society because of having been divorced, or even if I am divorced again and again, I am no less a person than anyone else on this earth and anyone who tries to make me feel that way is not someone I want in my life and is the problem, not me.

 

  • Time is not ‘running out’. I will meet the right person when God times it, not when I time it, not when I want it. Not when I think it’s time, not when I feel ready. God knows best the deepest parts of my heart and mind. He knows when I am ready and even when he is ready. He knows when the time is right. His plan for me is perfect and He knows what he is doing. I need to trust in that. 

 

  • I can ‘be dressed up’ for myself, or just for friends, or for no reason at all! I always get accused of going on imaginary dates when I just like looking nice (according to my sister I am out on dates every time I leave the house with some guy, I don’t even know who he is! lol!). I can feel pretty and be pretty for myself. I don’t even need someone to affirm this for me. I can feel pretty and do nothing about it 🙂 I don’t need the compliments from a man, or the attention from a man, to prove it, to acknowledge it, to give me attention because of it. Those things are nice when they happen, but it is not a necessity and I can do that myself. I can feel good about myself. Alone. 🙂

 

  • Even after saying all of this. I do still want love and to have a happy marriage with children. And that’s OK. It’s not ‘out dated’ to want those things either. They are just simply not the entire focus or aim of my life. But they are still natural things to want, respectable things to want. It is in our own evolution that we seek to procreate. It is a part of us and there are many positives and blessings in love and families. I do want that for myself someday, but it is nothing to fear, or panic over. Life will unfold the way it is meant to. There are some things I have control over, like what I choose to do today, and there are some things I don’t, such as when I meet this person, and to some extent who this person even is!

Whew….so glad that is out there. Time to live by it.

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