Hello beautiful people.
I am all recovery’d out today again. I got in and wanted to write my thoughts for today. It’s 8:38pm. My brain literally hurts, I’m so tired I don’t even have energy to be nervous about my interview tomorrow. Guess that’s probably a good thing. SLAA is driving me insane. I don’t know if the questions are making me want to act out even more or now that I know I identify as an addict I am just noticing more. I’m in the painful stages of what they call ‘withdrawal’. I literally wish someone would shoot me with tranquilizer darts so I could just sleep this part off. That or I could become a lesbian because that really might be easier than what is going on in my brain right now.
I am scoping every single guy in the universe to determine whether I find them attractive or not. I am trying to force myself not to look to even check this, because why do I need to know anyway if the guy further down the train carriage is attractive? What exactly am I planning on doing with this information? I had a GP appointment to discuss getting referred for DBT and guess what? My GP was hot. He was also married. Why did I care about him being hot? I kept looking at him in the eyes. I wanted to seduce him.
Why was I scoping whether I could be considered one of the ‘pretty girls’ in the SLAA group? Did I want men to find me attractive? WTH is going on. On my way to the SLAA meeting I realised this was worse than an alcohol addiction. At least alcohol addicts can avoid pubs/bars – the only way I can avoid the male species is if I lock myself indoors and rid myself of internet because you guys are everywhere. A part of me wants to laugh at the fact that I sound like a maniac pervert, am I? was I always? Since when did I need men so bad? The funniest thing is I don’t even know what I’d do with the information. Because when I do see someone attractive, I do nothing about it. I’m actively avoiding relationships and all that makes me want to do is a) jump into bed with the next hottest guy I see b) start looking for someone c) get into a relationship d) a combination of all of the above. I am also pretty religious. The joys of BPD is, you have impulsive behaviour and my impulsive behaviours means I go against my religious values sometimes, for example, sex or sexual activity. I don’t want to engage in it before marriage, but have I? yes. Do I suck at saying no to this? yes. I put it as a ‘bottom-line behaviour today’ which are behaviours that we consider are no-go areas and as part of our addiction. I still have to write 7 of these ‘bottom-line behaviours’ this evening to talk about with my sponsor tomorrow so I’m going to be doing that after I finish typing this up.
I know in my brain this type of thing is how I get myself into trouble/messy relationships. I just don’t know why a part of my brain seems hell bent to carry me into that kind of mess, wallow in it and then possibly self-destruct. I just wish I wasn’t battling my brain all.the.time. I have only had 4 one night stands (at least, I hope that’s not a lot?). 2 with friends. 1 of whom was one of my best friend who loved me and wanted a real relationship I just didn’t see him that way. So I haven’t been a compulsive sexual one night stander, it’s not about that for me. It’s a release. I use men in relationships to rid myself of negative feelings, to have a shoulder to lean on and all that I mentioned before. It’s just that I want to truly get to know someone, for who they are, see them as a person, not liken them to a wine bottle or a shot of some drug to help me relieve pain (I don’t drink or do drugs so this is my substitute I suppose). And how on earth am I meant to view someone like that and get engaged with someone like that, when the other part of me is an impulsive BPD love/sex addict? I just really hope I pull through the other end of this part because this is tough going. I’ve only been in the program 10 days and I’m feeling the pain. I do think though that I will feel a bit safer once I’ve written these bottom lines. I just hope I stick to them.
In other news, my GP has referred me to see a nurse and then see a psych (don’t get the point in seeing a nurse first but hey whatever protocol is protocol). I will then hopefully get referred for DBT. There was no mention of MBT which I really wanted, I guess they don’t have it in my area. I rang IMPART which is the service that deals with referrals for PD’s and she said they’ll call me back in a few weeks with what the next steps are once they’ve got the referral from my GP. He didn’t up my dosage which sucks but I think he wants me to just see how I go on 100mg. I’m fine with that for now I guess. I also braved my fears and went to a face to face SLAA meeting and I’m so glad I did. It really helps me face my anxiety and it helps to hear other people’s battles. Random people I may pass by on the street and to know they struggle like me with their own problems and are trying to better themselves, it’s an eye-opener and makes me feel less alone. No one judged me and I was at ease quite quickly. I’m glad recovery is pushing me to try new things.