borderline personality disorder · bpd · dbt · mental health

GP appointments, Job interviews, Therapy dilemma & days in the sun.

I’m exhausted. Kind of in a good way but also so much is going on. I have an interview for a job on Wednesday which is for 6 months on a higher hourly wage and I can work 3 days a week. I totted up my expenses and it’s do-able if I don’t do therapy. If I tutor pupils privately on the side (probably English because I love English) then I could afford therapy. I won’t have to worry about moving around constantly because I’ll be doing the same thing for 6 months plus get experience for the higher paying position and when I’m feeling up to it could apply for a permanent full-time position earning a decent amount for myself and I could do weekly therapy. I just don’t know if I’m feeling up to missing out on therapy for a couple of weeks until I find pupils to tutor. I only need about 2/3 pupils a week (1hr sessions). Therapy has literally kept me going for the year without having any major relapses and is the only reason I’ve made it so far in my recovery, I know I’m not ready to quit therapy altogether so this is my only concern with this job.

On the other hand, I randomly sent off an application for a full-time position in Central London which is higher pay than I’m currently on and is a permanent position. Imagine my surprise when today I got invited for an interview on the 1st June. The problem with this is, it’s a 1hr40m travel there and back and it’s full-time. I will also have more responsibilities in the position. I could afford weekly therapy (maybe even 2 times a week if my psych is up for it), my bills, rent for my mum and have enough to be comfortable but it will take up most of my days and I will get home probably around 7pm everyday. I love the idea of this, was it not for my BPD. I’m afraid I get accepted for this and then end up crashing in a couple of weeks and taking days off etc. I have travelled far for work before and had jobs with responsibility but I wasn’t in therapy and wasn’t dealing with my BPD back then, I was just struggling along. I just don’t know if I’m at that stage yet. It’s really confusing. It is also not a ‘job’ anymore, this position is a respectable career choice and I could stay in it for a good year if I wanted to. This is where BPD adds complications to the mix. What if I’m exausted from the travel before I even get into work?

I also have a GP appointment tomorrow and can finally give him/her my report from the psychiatrist. I’m going to ask to up the Quetiapine and see if I can get referred for any therapies! I am really hoping the GP is a good one and helps me. I’ve heard mixed things. I hope there are facilities without a crazy waiting list. If I could get DBT/MBT for free I will be so happy. Tonight I’m just going to tot up more of my expenses and really sit and think about which option to take, I know it depends on whether I even get the jobs but I still have to make a choice and I haven’t reached one yet. Therapy is still more important than work for me, I’m debating asking my psych for his opinion but he’s only met me once so might not know me well enough yet and he might just say it’s my choice to make.

Confusionn. I also have daily SLAA calls still and homeworks and DBT homeworks to do. I’m not sure if it’s the Quetiapine or my progress but I had a lovely day out with my friend yesterday, we’re scrap booking all our memories of our days out and that was just so relaxing and enjoyable. She confided in me that she has Bipolar last year so she is one of the few people who I can openly talk to about my diagnosis and my appointments etc. I’m so grateful I have her in my life, finding people who don’t judge you and who can see you for who you are regardless of your diagnosis is such a blessing.

Then today I went to my sisters and took my niece out for her first visit to the park. I am loving not being at work, being able to sleep as much as my body needs (I’m still usually up before 10am). It’s just the mornings on work days that are so difficult. I have days out planned on wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday with friends and family so I am so happy I’m getting to enjoy good times alongside all this madness. I just hope I can keep things on a positive note. I am anxious about the interviews but tomorrow I’m going to sit and make a DBT skills plan to help see me through the 2 of them. I hope it works as so far I’ve only used it in interpersonal situations and when I’m alone struggling with my moods – not for any professional situations.

Pray for me guys.

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