mental health · sex and love addiction

Day 2 SLAA & Money/Job woes

BPD and work doesn’t seem to go well together. I’ve seen mixed experiences. Some people seem to be able to work full-time or struggle doing it. Others work part-time, some cannot work at all and are getting by on benefits or have partners supporting them financially. It’s not that they don’t want to, it just comes with the territory of battling mental health and working.

I’ve been in a post that is OK money considering I’m single but I’ve needed full-time work so that I can afford therapy. Now I’m wondering what to prioritise – I saw some working from home jobs which would make me the same money in half the hours I currently work. I just feel like working from home would help me so much more I wouldn’t have the interpersonal challenges, if I’m struggling to wake up because of meds I can choose my hours, if my mood is down (as it can be for no reason whatsoever with BPD) I wouldn’t have to put on an act in front of colleagues and I can still get on with the work. I’m just so nervous about the interviews that a couple of months ago I bailed altogether and cancelled the interview. Im going to try to use DBT skills and sit with my sister to lessen the anxiety, it’s just doing it that freaks me out a lot. I keep feeling like refusing the interview.

I also feel like getting better is just so expensive! Looking at the costs of meds, therapy, getting books and resources and then healthy food and supplements for a good diet comes up to be so much. I want to eat healthier it’s just affording that lifestyle with everything else just isn’t happening right now. I don’t know…hopefully I’ll get there and have a higher paying job with less hours so I can really take care of me because honestly work is not a priority as much as my recovery is. Without recovery there is no work.

The SLAA is going well. The daily call admitting my behaviours is providing so much insight. It also seems to ‘reign in’ the desire to find someone new and keep acting out the pattern because now I have to answer to someone. I had to buy a book (everything runs on money after all) which they use in the program so I’m going to be reading as much of that as I can and soon the AA big book. In a way I’m hopeful this will help because they also have meetings where they talk about what healthy relationships are, how to form them, how to use new behaviours and knowing when you’re ready. I want to learn all of this so I only get involved when through the program I know I’m truly ready. Not to say it’s not still tempting to find someone and a part of my brain tries to convince me ‘who cares you’ve done a lot of therapy things will be different at least now you know about the addiction’ the other part knows that truly I have only just begun to realise and I still have a long way to go. Rushing it will only feed my addictive behaviours and cause me pain.

I have heard some success stories about people attracting healthier relationships, getting involved with someone new or successfully leaving damaging relationships so that is really encouraging. I applied to jobs so I have been proactive. I need to be more patient with myself, recovery is a journey not a destination and it is truly life long. I think sometimes I expect to one day just wake up and feel ‘recovered’ the reality isn’t like that. Recovery is slow, uncomfortable and shows up as small changes, one time victories in your life, I have a long way to keep going. I hope I see more fruits soon.

On the upside my sister and I were talking and she said mental illness aside she thinks I would make a great mother and said that once you have a child things mentally fall into place and you change as a person and that that might just be the thing that takes the edge off of my pain and puts me in a happier mental state as it did for her (not that she was suffering before). So that was encouraging and comforting to hear that she knew as a person, mental illness or not, I can still be a good mum.

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