So I went to my registration appointment where I met the nurse and she weighed me, she said I’m tiny. It’s the first time I’ve been weighed in ages. I’m a stone less than I thought I was and am at the lowest weight I ever have been in my life. I checked online what the healthy weight for my age and height is and I’m coming up as about 14lb less. I also have a low blood pressure maybe that’s why? I am not going to lie I have been sticking to my 900 calorie rule on some days. Yesterday I had a good day and I had breakfast lunch and dinner and crisps (they were off my mental ‘allowed foods’ list for a while) without even thinking about it.
I didn’t even realise I was restricting my food, I have never struggled with eating disorders in my life up until last year and it was so gradual I didn’t even know if what I was doing was ‘eating disordered behaviour’ at all. The worst thing is at the moment I’m eating but I don’t eat healthy. This can mean I’ll binge out on crisps and then not eat dinner because I feel bad for the calories I consumed by eating crisps, or diet pepsi is okay because it has basically 0 calories whereas when I’m eating healthier I will have vegetable smoothies etc. without counting the calories because it’s a healthy drink and I cut fizzy drinks as much as possible. Lower calories does not necessarily mean healthy. In all honesty I still don’t want to put on weight and I definetly don’t want to put on 14lbs. I like my weight and I was actually worrying yesterday that I’ve put more on. I think I am going to have to try to get the healthy focus back because if I think about gaining I shudder.
Asides from that my psych told me to up my dose of Quetiapine to 100mg and he’s going to send the report to my GP for me. I am glad I am finally taking steps to take care of myself and making the effort day to day. I attended another SLAA meeting and it is really pushing me out of my comfort zone, I am forced to speak to strangers and be honest about my experiences which I am so nervous doing. I got a sponsor yesterday who seems really lovely and I have to read through the materials today about sexual anorexia and the contract to getting better and speak to my sponsor today for 15 minutes. This is a lot I feel but I am also amazed that recovery is taking me on a journey I didn’t even expect. I’m doing things I never thought I would do. I have a hard time letting people help me (that aren’t professionals) and accepting their help so having a sponsor feels really weird, knowing that someone wants to willingly support me and listen to me and then to actually let her in. It’s going to be a real game changer if I can let myself be vulnerable enough to tell her the truth I think. It’s also forcing me to face my social anxiety by having scheduled times to talk to her everyday plus out reach calls to other members. It’s a lot to take in but I am sure it will be worth it.