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Things have changed

So I am still in a dark place. I took time off work and I’m not going back until June. Its because I was meant to go to a new office for a week to learn new skills and then every Monday I would be told what I’d be working on. Weekly changes is just way too much I’ve been temping since October and It’s getting to me. I need something permanent so I took this time out for me. I have 3 weeks off and if I apply to 2 jobs everyday that’s 40 jobs applied for. I cancelled my therapy on Monday for the money to see me through the next few weeks and will be pretty much at home broke. It’s okay though because I need this time. Therapy can’t help my quality of life I need to make changes to find something that works for me. There doesn’t seem to be any opportunity for something permanent here (even the permanent staff are at risk) so it’s good for me to take time to do what’s right for me. I was worried my manager would be angry but I did my DBT emotion regulation exercises and now I don’t care. This wasn’t impulsive this was me trying to do what will help me. I am still fighting for my GP and I am trying to get good work for me.

I’ve also fundamentally changed. The BPD shitty feelings are still there especially in the evenings but I now handle it differently. Last night I made a list of things that if I did I’d feel better. I included exercise, prayer, housework to help my mum, applying for jobs and DBT homework. I did all of those things. I ticked it all off instead of crying or laying in bed or entertaining thoughts of self-harm I now use other mechanisms to see me through to the next day. All I wanted was to get through to today and I did it. I have gotten through dark periods through skills like this about 3 times now so I am starting to realise that yes my shitty BPD emotions may still be there but I am now coping with it in a way that makes me feel  much better during and the next day. I’m still smoking but I’m trying not to beat myself up and I’m just taking it a day at a time. I am also just all around better to my family and loved ones. I’m not angry and lashing out. Yesterday my mum just held me while she was watching a movie and evenually I left to my room and cried because the love she gave me was exactly what I needed and it was her love and of the loved ones in my family that keeps me alive. Suicide is not an option because of my religious beliefs and because of their love. Even if I pick just one family member (my sister or my niece) their pain from my dieing is enough for me to know that I have to live and live well. I can’t do that to them. I also have hope. And hope is what got me so far in my DBT and recovery. My emotions are still difficult but I’m also handling things much better.

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