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Feeling fucked up

Took another day off today. Didn’t plan on it. Again. The dr did say the Quetiapine would make me sleepy. I got up, late as usual. It was so hard just to make coffee I sat there with the aching feeling of how difficult it feels. Ironing my clothes felt impossible. I ironed them went to my mums room and laid back in bed. I hate feeling so unfunctioning. I had a good day yesterday and I was so productive. I hate this feeling. I emailed my manager and told her I am on new meds that make me drowsy, she said it’s fine but to let her know in the afternoon if I will be in tomorrow but I don’t know if I can be in tomorrow in the afternoon because it makes it difficult for me in the morning! I could email and say yes and still struggle in the morning which would be worse. I am starting to think working full time is too much at the moment but its the working full time that makes therapy even possible for me. Plus this week will help me get a promotion. Starting to think I should get back on the red bull. I want to cry and smoke and cry. I hate this. I want a permanent job. I love working full time I want to work I want a difficult job with responsibility and be out in the world like everyone else. My sister suggested I just ask to do less hours everyday. I am starting to think I might have to do something like that it hurts my ego that because of mental health I might not even be able to work full time but I guess I just have to accept it as it is. Maybe a full time permanent position with lots of responsibility is just too much for a bpd’er like me. The weeks that I do work full time feel like such an accomplishment and I’m so happy with myself. They say people with BPD cant work full time so I always feel like I’m proving them wrong when I do but to what cost? Is this morning struggle worth it? Finding jobs at all is so hard and then finding something that pays well part time seems like mission impossible. I just feel so stuck.

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