I have no doctor.

The fucking NHS is driving me mad. Some people don’t mind paying if it means I can get the help I need. Ever since I moved to London after my divorce, (its nearly been 2 years) I haven’t been able to get a GP. No one is accepting me in my local area as apparently I dont come under their area. The ones in my area are full. The only one in my area that has space and can take me has come up with some bullshit that I don’t have a valid proof of address because it’s not a bill. I have NEVER had this problem before and have moved out of London registered with a GP without ever having this issue. They are literally the last GP in my area I can hope to take me. Even if I go private I am meant to have an NHS gp for emergencies/referrals to hospitals etc. plus my mental health assessments are costing me a lot privately but even if I did get them on the NHS the waiting lists are long (18 months I’ve read before) by then if you weren’t well mentally who knows what could happen! It’s just so sad that they have money for so many other BS things that we don’t need but they can’t invest money to help us. I feel like no matter how hard I’m pushing in my work, in my life, with my health, I just hit block after block. It’s just fortunate I haven’t actually been so physically ill to need to go to a GP because when I do need one I now have no idea what I’ll do except be faced with emergency rooms/out of hours walk-ins and all the mad waiting and poor service you get there.

It just makes me so fed up that because I’m working and paying for all of this I get no support for anything. If I got myself into A&E with destructive behaviour, they’d see to me straight away and make sure I’m in hospital taken care of, but because I’m not acting out, I’m faced with doing it all on my own and getting shunned from my services, paying out of pocket. I’m not saying people shouldn’t get help, I mean everyone should get help. Im legally meant to have a GP. So now I’m waiting a week for them to ‘call me back to let me know whats happened with my registration form’ and if I haven’t been accepted because of their bullshit proof of address excuse I’m going to contact the support services to help me file a complaint. I’m done with people taking advantage of me and my kinder nature (despite having BPD rages I try very hard to be civil and polite and patient but I know this isn’t right and I need the help. I wanted the psychiatrist to be able to send the results of my assessment to them so I could get meds/referrals on the NHS – even if the waiting list would be long at least something would be better than nothing and with a formal diagnosis they would easily be able to refer me to therapies/psychiatric services etc.

I just have no idea what to do. If I start thinking about the number of things I’m trying to sort out I just get too upset. I have been applying for jobs, I’m going to apply to another one this weekend to try to get something permanent as my job here is always changing in task and it’s just too much to fall into a routine every couple of weeks and then change and then change again. Plus I make friends and lose them because I keep moving. I just want some feeling of stability. The only place that has that is my house where through my therapy I’m okay with everyone and not lashing out. But my pain is still there. I felt a little bit like I was dissociating at work and like I wanted to rage. I still want to rage sometimes, I feel it simmering away at the bottom. It’s just that I now know it’s never worth it.

I’ve started smoking again and I’m fucking disappointed in myself for it, but things just feel so hard. I stop for months and months then smoke randomly again. I’m not addicted it’s just a distraction from what I feel inside. I just want to stop feeling this way. I am counting down hours until I see the psychiatrist because if he can’t help me who else can?

I’m going to try to keep being productive although inside I just wonder what the point is sometimes, everything is just such a shambles anyway. I’m going to try to do my DBT homework. I’m going to attend an online love addiction 12 step program tomorrow evening on skype and I’m super nervous about it but one thing I’ve learnt in recovery is: recovery is uncomfortable. It’s always going to be uncomfortable because those are the moments we are trying and choosing to do something new, something that isn’t the destructive old habits we once turned to. I just hope I keep noticing changes.



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