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Dissociation & sunshine

I guess the blog last night was a sign I was drained. I woke up from a dream yelling ‘stoppppp!’ As if I was so mad. It just didnt feel like it came from me, I wasn’t even expecting it. It scared me enough for me to get up at 2;40am and go to my mums room to sleep there. Only I didn’t sleep. 3am, get to sleep get to sleep you have to be up soon, more music plays in my head, the same annoying loop from one of the songs on the radio at work, sleep, sleep. 4am, 5, I have to be up for work at 6:40. I wake up at 7:30. Exhausted. I email my manager, tell her I can’t come in because I’m not feeling well.

I’ll get a days less pay next week. Didn’t particularly want today off. I hate that sometimes it means I have to take days off. I try not to think about it. Spend a morning talking to my mum, shes struggling with money too, I give her some feeling bad that I’m so warped in my own world that I don’t notice when she needs things for the house. Im trying to spend my day positively. It was nice to talk to her and tell her Im getting assessed on saturday, I called my sister and spoke to her for a while seeing my sweet little neice (she’s a 3 month old cutie) and now as it’s finally sunny I am making the most of it and am sitting in the garden soaking up sun.

I refuse to let my brain and the thoughts that plague me take away my happy moments, my peaceful moments, sitting in the back garden with the sun on my face, beautiful trees around me and the birds chirping in the background … I will never let it take away moments like this.

 

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