Feel like so much has happened and yet not much has changed at all. All I want to do is go back into therapy. I would go every day if I could but my next session isn’t for another 2 weeks so I just have to try my best until then. Thankfully I had my DBT on saturday after a 3 week break. We’re doing mindfulness for 3 weeks. It was lovely to see my group again and some new faces and to see one of my favourite therapists run it. The weekly ritual and being in an atmosphere where you’re not the only one dealing with bpd and where mental health can be spoken about openly and with support is so refreshing. The fact that not everyone has a diagnosis there is nice too, it just goes to show mental health is more of a spectrum thing just like physical health and everyone has their own individual struggle. You don’t need a diagnosis or be ‘crazy’ to get help or try to self-improve – we all owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be especially if there are some things we are stuck with. It just makes me sad that so many of us go through our daily lives hiding it from other people because it is only just a recent development that people have been brave enough to start openly declaring it. An example from my own life; only two of my friends know and I’ve openly declared all of this on my site, yet I only just told my family today that I’ve been diagnosed and my mum doesn’t even know what bpd is – let alone help me with it.
On the upside, my psychiatric appointment is on Saturday finally booked and paid for. I don’t know how superficial I’m going to sound but it is draining to think about all the things I could be using my wages on (I get no financial support from my parents and help my mum with rent). I give up buying clothes for work (which I actually really need now) even minor things like vitamins toiletries etc. have been out of the window for a while now just so I can afford all of this though I know this is more important and after 12 years of struggling I know it’s high time I did this and pushed through with it. I just wonder if there is a line where therapy and assessments end up taking over your life instead of helping you live it.
At least I only need the assessment once and the psychiatrist could charge a lot more (literally up to double the amount hes charged me as some do). My psychologist told me to be honest and let him know that I experience bpd symptoms (and explain exactly what I experience) and that I can be clear about what meds I do and don’t want to try (I kind of knew this in the back of my mind but I was worried if I wasn’t compliant I’d be coming across as ‘difficult’ but he said it’s my right to have a say in what meds I am and am not willing to try). I’m just worried because my psych and the GP both said it seems like I would need anti-psychotics at a low dose as that has been one of the few things shown to help people with BPD with their intrusive thoughts and aggressive outbursts. Though it has been over a year now since my last ‘rage’ episode – (the longest ever!) I struggle daily with intrusive thoughts and really want to see if I can minimise them at least. When I read the reviews for these meds some people have been on them for years claiming they have given them their lives back whilst others have reported weight gain and horrible side effects claiming they should be banned altogether. Some of the side effects experienced sound horrific and it just scares me to think I could have an experience that ends up making me worse than better. The only thing is I’ll never know if I could have a positive experience either unless I try, just feels like a gamble more than an educated move.
I feel really bleak and exhausted. I ‘over-socialised’ today plus my dad was round who is very triggering and actually tries to be so on purpose coupled with the fact that he has literally no filter before he opens his mouth. We all went to my sisters and it was nice to see her and my niece and I am grateful for her and the good people I have in my life. I just felt like I was bottling a break down and was so drained that now I’m finally in my room after the whole day of being out I feel a little better. If they don’t increase my prozac dose on Friday I’m just going to come off them because they’re just draining me even more and I very clearly said I’m not depressed. I’ve had clinical depression when I was a teenager and that was a different type of hell altogether. This is painful but it’s not depression. They still decided to give me an SSRI anyway and both of my therapists have commented that the dose is too low/the med is too mild for me. I understand they have to start low and with milder medications but the waiting game and the process to get to the right meds is frustrating in itself. I have read it takes some people years to find the right dose/combination that works for them and I really hope I don’t have to go through a long journey with that. I just want to feel better.
I hope tomorrow isn’t as bad. I had a meeting with my manager today and found out there are going to be changes to my job and I’m going to be working in a different office next week learning new skills which in the long-run is good for me and yet I just don’t have the mental energy to be moved around and learning new tasks every couple of weeks. I want a boring routine so that I can focus on my MH – some of us learnt the hard way that without mental health everything else falls apart slowly anyway.