So today was the awaited meeting with my new psych. I dressed up so well my colleagues thought I was going on a date. I have no idea why I wanted to make sure my psych found me attractive or at the least not unattractive. This is just part of my weird behaviours related to men. Maybe I was also trying to channel my need for love/a man into therapy. Regardless, I wasn’t as bad as I thought I’d be. (In my head I was derailing my therapy by making it about him and not about me – maybe a way to sabotage?)
So a whole day was spent being nervous, trying not to stress and counting down hours until I got there. I am always nervous going to a new place even though rationally I knew there was nothing really to be scared about. Sure enough once I was in the room I was fine.
I was honest and said that although I know some psychs hate it when you self-diagnose I was 90% sure I knew what I had. (Did I mention I have a Bachelors in Psychology? XD) I asked him if he could diagnose me today just for my own benefit and he said he could. A couple of questions later and he confirmed it as BPD.
Feeling mixed emotions… relieved but it also just makes it all the more real. This hasn’t just been me and my theories. I really do have a personality ‘disorder’ (hate that term). I think the rest of what’s left of my evening will be spent trying to let that sink in and not wallow in a bout of self-pity.
Us people with BPD are strong motherf***ers that’s for sure.