borderline personality disorder · mental health · therapy

Where am I going with this?

I’m booked to see the psych tomorrow – without seeing the psychiatrist. I have to call one of the other places on Friday which gave me a discounted price as the one this psych was gonna arrange for me is no longer working here but is abroad somewhere.

Technically I feel I should be seeing him after I’ve seen a psychiatrist but he can also diagnose me if I want that, he just can’t recommend medications. I just couldn’t wait 2+ weeks to see him. I don’t even know why I’m really going to see him as I have a therapist, she’s wonderful and really listens and is ‘herself’, she lets me delay payments if I’m in a tight spot that week and knows I’ll pay her back. Something just ticked in me when I spoke to him on the phone. I asked him yesterday whether seeing a new therapist for new issues can hinder progress or not to which he said there’s nothing wrong with that and that as you go through the therapeutic process you will have different needs. He’s happy for me to see him just as a ‘one off’ as I just want to see how I feel around him.

I feel like the main reason is honestly my reaction to him and the fact that he’s male. I feel like if I address my issues around men and sexuality to a male therapist I will be able to heal better as I’ll come to learn to trust a male as opposed to letting a female know. (Not to say that a female couldn’t help me, of course she could). The truth is, I’m kind of scared of men, scared of them being attracted to me, I’m uncomfortable if a guy so much as looks at me, and at the same time I can have moments where I want to deliberately be provocative and if I like someone I don’t know how else to express it (initially) except for sexually. I got into a real mess when I was younger online and spoke to all manners of creeps/pedos etc. so there is all of that I need to uncover, plus the fact that I have poor sexual boundaries and have used sex as a means of self-harm before. I don’t dislike men or anying like that, I have a brother I adore, male friends, etc. and I know there are plenty of good men out there, I feel the problem is more how I relate to them and my choices/behaviours that get me into trouble. Coupled with my intense longing for love – It’s just a recipe for disaster that I want to deal with pronto.

I’m already kind of nervous about seeing him tomorrow, about whether I’m going to end up not feeling any better for doing it, it could turn out that I end up shy and afraid of him too and just not reveal much about myself, or what if he’s just not that helpful? so many questions…




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