Still no word from them regarding the assessment So I caved and emailed to find out. Email means hes going to reply.. I hope he calls me instead..
Im scared of actually going to an asessment (I’m booking tomorrow). Scared to take such a big step and scared of trying any meds they recommend.
My latest revelation: concluded about 2 weeks ago : I have some love addiction issues. My book for this arrived yesterday and I’ll upload a pic later today. I’m already about half way through and it is pretty insightful stuff.
While I’m pretty okay with not being in a relationship. Love addicts are known to then spend their time fantasizing about finding ‘the one’ and the importance they place on it is disproportionately high. As if finding the right person will take all your problems away and your loneliness and fear of abandonment issues will be quenched once and for all.
Of course it never really goes that way.
So now that I’ve finally gotten to a stage where I can actually be single and be OK- I still catch myself worrying about whether I’ll ever find him, secretly wishing I do, about how much easier things would be if I was in a relationship (also not necessarily true), thinking about my recent and latest ex. So this means even though I am single I am still mentally tied up to the latest ex, longing and wondering or longing and wondering for the next ‘one and only’ in the future. So I’ve never been single and mentally content with that.
I’m still like this right now but the only new thing is now another part of me is also sick of it. Sick of this cycle and sick of this need. I want a relationship to be something born out of healthy self-esteem and boundaries not something I ‘need’ to heal my traumas and to feel good about myself or my life situation. Yes it does suck being single as well as recovering and not working a job I’m passionate about but, that’s just how it is at the moment and I need to accept that. The book mentions love addicts use love and fantasies of love as a kind of escapism (akin to all other forms of addiction) from reality instead of improving their current state of affairs so I want to finally work on improving my life as a single person. I am trying to do this but I want to enjoy doing this, enjoy being on my own and not holding onto or burying this secret longing thinking about relationships everyday.
This addiction has been so destructive for me and my fear of abandonment means I controlled and clinged and lost a lot of self respect along the way, (I literally cringe at some of the situations I have gotten myself into and some of the behaviours I engaged in). I know recognising it and reading up on this (along with some of the exercises in the book) is a step in the right direction. I just hope I get there.