Feeling happy today. Dreading going back to work tomorrow, as I won’t have time off for about 3 weeks plus I have a lot of job insecurity atm. I was in a comfortable but boring position and now theyre making changes to it so when I go in tomorrow I’m going to be finding out about them and that’ll make things tough for me. I hate constantly changing not knowing where I’ll be and for how long (I’m not in a permanent position). It just adds to the ‘up in the air’ feeling about my life. Anyway, apart from that I’m just being mindful and trying to enjoy my time today gaming, being present, spending time with my family.
Plus, I engaged in my MASTERY today (a DBT skill where you do something a little difficult/challenging but achievable to build a sense of ‘mastery’ or accomplishment. This helps boost self-esteem). I do it mainly because I just feel that it’ll help me stop vegetating in life and it Does feel good, retrospectively. I am just trying to stick with it, I do get the ‘what’s the point in doing these chores, if I feel so **** about everything anyway’ thoughts, but I try to put them to the back of my mind and just focus on trying to build a life that’ll be better for me regardless of how it feels right now, it may be in the future all these baby steps will have added up and I’ll be glad I made this effort – that’s the hope anyway.
So my mastery was to stop putting the dvla paperwork off, and call dvla to send my license back for a change of name back to my maiden name (yes I had a divorce at the age of 25 – a very intense and stormy relationship- BPD joys!).
I am now also going to be typing up and submitting my DBT homework (I’m part of a free online dbt group where you get weekly homeworks) for this week. We’re on interpersonal effectiveness which I’m really glad, as relationships has always been my biggest struggle. This weeks’ lesson was about being mindful of our relationships with others and our interactions with them, focusing less on ourselves and what’s going on in our minds and being fully present and mindful of the interaction and activities taking place. I tried it out with my family and found it really helpful! It helped me relax, and I felt much more available. Not that I don’t try to listen to them usually but the thoughts and focus on self (negative/anxious focus) meant I wasn’t as available as when I’m mindful, so it’s nice when this stuff really works which 90% of the time DBT has been saving my ass and improving my interactions so I have to stick with it.
Still no call from the psych I so want to hear from and visit, guess the psychiatrist he’s waiting on is busy/taking long to reply. The feelings are less intense now but I still want to see him. I know I cannot have a relationship until I figure this area of my life out in therapy.