So I’m being quite productive today. I don’t usually have a problem with ‘doing’ it was the ‘being’ that I have an issue with. Through dbt and therapy I came to realise that I had rigid high standards for myself. e.g. my looks, cleanliness, working hard, being religious trying to be the ‘best’ me all the time and feeling guilt if I was just ‘doing nothing’ (aka whenever I took time out to enjoy myself, or ‘sit’ it meant I was being lazy or ‘unproductive’). A dbt therapist pointed out, I was ‘doing’ because I wanted to escape feeling. which I have come to realise is SO true. Now that I sit alone a lot more, (I used to be alot busier socially, in relationships etc. which distracted me from attending to my own mental/emotional state) I realise just how hard it is so sit alone and be happy or content. I have the classic ’empty/bored/sad’ default feeling that takes up energy. So even when I’m sitting doing nothing I feel like it’s draining, this negativity is draining. It’s not intense or unbearable, but if that’s how I feel when I’m just sitting alone and nothing externally is causing me stress (as in nothings technically ‘wrong’ in my life atm) then no wonder I find it so hard to manage stress when things do happen, because my ‘default’ if you will, is already on a negative.
So this is what I feel is the key to my recovery now. Until I CAN sit alone, and be content, or at peace, not even ‘happy’ or as if I’m asking for inner contentment and joy 100% of my days, I just mean, most of the time, to feel at ease, or be able to face those stretches of time, in my own company, comfortable to be alone. I don’t think I can call myself ‘recovered’.
I still haven’t heard from the psych about the asssessment fees yet, because it’s bank holiday weekend. So frustrating, I’m still thinking about him, hoping he calls me and not email so I can speak to him some more. But I’m putting it to the back of my mind. I’m being productive today, even though I don’t know what the point to doing my daily tasks is lately, I am taking care of me, and determined to live a good life, so I’ve had my vitamins, water, did an oil treatment for my hair, and will now resume tidying my room and being a healthy person!