I feel literally insane. I didn’t realise the waters of my insanity ran as deep as they do until last night. I was thinking about the psych all night. Stalked his pages, linkedin, directory, personal counselling page everything. Now, I have a therapist, a female therapist and I had confided in her in a session once that whenever I have a male teacher/therapist (at group therapy) or other such type of interactions (maybe a boss although Ive had female bosses incidentally for a long time) I want them to notice me. Maybe not sexually or be attracted to me, but some kind of recognition of me, of me being ‘special’ or of something about me individually. I can’t explain why. I have a sh** relationship with my dad and have pretty much gone to limited contact – which is me being civil whenever he is at our house. So I know I have an unfulfilled need for attention from him which translated into me engaging in promiscious relationship behaviours when I was younger (which consisted of me getting very hurt). But to be this way about a psych?
I spoke to him on the phone for the first time yesterday and it was delightfully awkward. First, I was expecting to be put through to a centre not him directly, but I was put through to him which threw me off. He was confused for a while and then needed reminding that I’d emailed him months ago before. I asked him that once I’d had an assessment could I bring it back to him to which he replied ‘why would you do that, I thought you have a therapist?’ which threw me off again, I wasn’t sure why I’d said it. It was true, I don’t need to see him personally. But I want to. I also feel an intense desire to make him uncomfortable, to see whether he would even want me as a client, whether he can handle me as a client, or whether he’s another BS therapist who wants to smile nod and encourage me while telling me to imagine I’m a tree (this is a visual suggestion for grounding).
I spoke to 2 other male psychs on the phone to enquire for prices and didn’t feel this same need. The psych was really kind and offered me a discounted rate which is much cheaper than everywhere else as he appreciated that I’m struggling financially but need help. I felt he was kind and wanted to be kind back, which is how I usually am. So why have I become so quickly attached to this psych? I also need to add, I’ve never had problematic behaviours around boundaries with my female therapist, she said I’m a good client, and I see her as a friend/therapist. I’m considering telling her my weird reaction to this psych as I don’t quite know what to do with my feelings. I want to see him so badly. Ask questions about his life, about him, questions I know aren’t what therapies about, therapy is meant to be about me, maybe I’m sick of the set up and want to get to something deeper. I think my subconsious is telling me it’s time to heal my issues around men….