So today was pretty huge in my recovery in that I did two things that I didn’t see myself doing ever, or at least for a very long time:
- I told my mum I have mental health issues (although she’s known as much – I’ve never verbalised that I admit this or that I’m getting help for it).
- I called the psychologist I’ve been meaning to call for a long time and am taking the plunge (an expensive plunge) in getting a formal diagnosis and treatment plan.
MH hasn’t really been talked about in my family, if at all. From our culture, it’s not something one would share, and is kept quite hush at best, at worst, the individual is ignored and spends their days living that way. There’s a lot of stigma in society in general and I just didn’t want her to feel I’m ‘crazy’ or worry, or to feel ashamed…maybe some of that are my own issues reflecting. I also can feel pretty easily invalidated by her, so I was assuming the worst. especially when it comes to money and spending it. I thought when I tell her she’d be funny about how much its costing me, and why I’m going through the trouble when I’m ‘fine’. (If I do get diagnosed as BPD I’d be on the high functioning end of things, coupled with my recovery journey over the last year things are not as bad as they once were).
Well I’ve come to a point in my recovery where against my initial reservations, bias and thought process – I considered psych meds – so I’m on Prozac 20mg for the last 2 weeks which is helping my mood. But Not my obssessive thoughts, which is why I initially went on them. My GP (doc) told me yesterday morning that she thinks I need further help and I would benefit from an assessment which they could then work from. So Alas, here I am, (another awkward conversation with a GP later in the evening telling him to give me a referral so I can take that to a psychiatrist of my choice) I am now on the hunt for the best priced and one most suited to what I want (someone who doesn’t hate those with BPD or at least acknowledges them on their initial website would be a start).
I’ve kind of felt two ways about a diagnosis. On one hand I know I’d be super annoyed if I they diagnose me with something other than what I think I have. (Did I mention I have a psych degree and am constantly reading up on psychology/spirituality? XD) I also don’t believe humans fit into boxes, and that the field of psychiatry is still in baby stages – so many of the disorders cross over and the symptoms are not exclusive to one or the other. Coupled with the fact I believe most of them are on a spectrum of severity, including BPD. I used to see BPD as: ‘you had it or you didn’t’. But through my own slow changes in recovery I realised (perhaps, naively, idk) I didn’t just wake up one day ‘feeling like I didn’t have x, y, z symptom anymore’ I just notice small changes or one-time victories where I act/think in a way I didn’t use to. It’s a slow process which is what makes me feel this is a spectrum disorder more than a boxed up criteria package.
Having said that, I kinda want a diagnosis so that the professionals, whether private or NHS (the free healthcare system in the UK – I live in London) can then help me and prescribe whatever it is they want to prescribe, and can be used to help me get the right therapies for me. I just want some kind of narrowing down of my focus. Or perhaps, confirmation I’m right so the professionals will finally start helping me.
Kinda scared too, I guess. What if they diagnose me with something totally different? My therapist has confirmed I have bpd traits, and I have a fear of abandonment which is a huge part of BPD. I would just feel like I may be starting all over again, or worse than before? IDK. Also kind of gutted that I’m so broke in all areas of my life (literally I go to work looking like a hobo everyday as my wages are just going on meds, therapy, books, etc) I know this is more important and is the only reason I can even maintain some kind of normal life, it’s just life still isn’t very normal (and feels like a double one most of the time with my MH journey being such a well kept secret) when your days are filled with MH recovery. I feel a tinge of jealousy and sadness when I see colleagues talking about holidays with other halves and shopping sprees which I could afford, but can’t because I know I need to prioritise this.
There’s a lot more I’m bursting to talk about especially my call with the psychologist today but I guess small doses should do it. I’m not writing a novel here. Peace out x